Unforgiven
by Zosie
Summary: One man can't have it all,ask Edward Cullen.  Once he had more than he could have hoped.  A loving wife, a daughter and a baby son due to be born, in their new home in Africa. That decision cost him dearly.What's left when you lose everything? Tragedy/M
1. Chapter 1

**A/N. IF Mrs Edward Cullen has to be all sweetness and light, that will be hard for me to write. I don't want Actorward screwing around and Macey deserves a happy home, so I am writing this little angst attack to stop the sugar choking me. I have to have balance. I realize you will all hate this so don't feel obliged to read, as long as Mr and Mrs Edward Cullen are happy, this pair will be torn apart so don't even bother telling me to get them together NOW, because then I would have to split up Actorward to keep the balance. Yes, this is a complete self indulgence for me story, I can't find any angst to read!(Don't send me any suggestions, if I read I don't write, at all.)**

**Unforgiven**

**Chapter One/Prologue**

**The Window To Heaven **

Bella Cullen looked at the small white envelope and wished she could turn back time and toss it into the trash, unopened. Though it wouldn't change anything, of course he already knew. He just hadn't seen fit to share the news with her.

She wondered what medical calamity she would be struck down with to avoid attending; a migraine? Stomach flu? Or maybe something real, something terminal, God, that would be a blessing.

Ha, then it won't happen, she realized. God hated her now and never bestowed even the slightest favor on her unworthy life. She had offended him, as she had everyone else. Even killing her would not happen, because God knew death was what she wanted most in this world.

Bella cursed the years of religious beliefs her parents had drummed into her head when she was a small lonely child and assumed all they said was gospel, like what the priest spouted at her every Sunday.

Suicide is a sin. You go to Hell if you kill yourself.

Personally, Bella had long ago decided God was neither loving nor merciful so she fully expected to go to Hell, though maybe she was already there. It certainly had all the characteristics of Hell.

Everybody hated her, her own husband loathed her, and God had convinced them both a divorce was a mortal sin so they were stuck together for life.

She just hoped He was wrong and marriage didn't mean you were together for eternity, after you finally managed to shrug off this mortal coil.

She read the words again, short, sweet, but like a death toll.

_Carlisle and Esme Cullen invite you to attend the much anticipated wedding of their second son, Emmett Mc Carty Cullen, to Rosalie Lillian Hale on November 1st at St Francis Xavier Church, 42 Locke Street, at 2 pm. Reception to follow at the Cullen estate. RSVP October 1st._

Bella was happy for Emmett and Rose, so long as their marriage truly was blessed and a thing of joy but hadn't her marriage to Edward promised to be all she ever wanted? How could something she had lived for and longed for have turned out like this? A prison sentence she could not escape. There was nowhere to dig a tunnel and come up into the light on the other side of the wall. The wall was around her heart.

Edward walked into the kitchen and poured himself a coffee and ignored her completely, as usual, it was the way they did things now. They pretended the other didn't exist and that way they managed to keep up the facade of being a normal married couple.

Plenty of married couples probably felt trapped and had no way to escape.

Money was probably the main reason. Edward made sure she never had the money for a bus ticket, let alone to find a small flat and set herself up in a new life. His money was just that, his money. He fed her and clothed her and kept a roof over her head out of obligation only.

He had no interest in ever seeing her happy again, in fact, he fought actively against that very thing.

Of course, by refusing to free her he was keeping himself trapped as well, but he hated her enough to play the martyr. And he had his PA.

Yeah, very Personal Assistant. Tanya was no doubt very good at being personal with Edward.

Bella wondered why she even cared, why she wondered if they were sleeping together? What difference did it make, he was certainly unwelcome in her bed, and he was a man.

And men do whatever the hell they like.

She had learned that lesson the hard way.

Her eyes trailed over his body. He was still fit, he still worked out, for hours, every night. His green eyes still retained their beauty, though dulled by his own pain. His skin was flawless, his light tan suited the copper locks on his head. His clothes had only improved over the years, his suit was new and fit him like a glove. His hair was cut regularly now, he looked a different man to the one who spent those years in Africa...

Not going there.

Her brain had an automatic brake and didn't allow Bella to visit that part of their past, knowing if she did she would end up back in bed, in so much pain she would be unable to move. She wished she could progress to the step where she would be unable to breathe, but it never happened. There was no merciful ending to her suffering.

She refilled her cup and breathed in the aroma of the expensive imported ambrosia.

It's a sad thing when coffee is the best thing in your miserable existence.

"Isabella," said a voice.

A voice she heard so rarely, and even less than that, heard addressing her.

She looked up, surprised, as Edward approached and stopped just feet in front of her.

Did this mean she existed, because for years now she had assumed she had turned into a ghost and that's why none of them saw her or acknowledged her presence?

"Isabella," he repeated, annoyed.

"Yes, Edward," she managed to choke out, wondering if she was still permitted to call him by his name. Maybe she should call him Master, as any good slave would.

"My parents are flying in for the wedding rehearsal, of course and will be staying here with us. No point opening up the big house until the actual reception. You shall do all you can to make them welcome and comfortable," he said.

Of course, he was giving her the orders for the next month. She supposed it would be too tiresome to write them down, so he had decided to speak to her.

"Yes, Edward," she acknowledged.

"I am thinking the lilac room, Mother likes lilac. Prepare it today and see if anything needs to be done, repainting, whatever. Check the bathroom is in working order, nobody has stayed in that room for a while."

A while? Nobody had stayed with them in this house for years. Nobody wanted to voluntarily live in this atmosphere.

Bella wondered if she should curtsy or drop to the ground and kiss his feet.

The look of complete disdain stopped her from doing anything at all, in case she displeased him further. God knows she was enough of a burden to him already. She was sure he hoped she would curl up and die as much as she longed to.

He looked at his watch and placed his cup in the sink, walking out the front door with no further word, pausing only to smile cruelly at the background photograph showing on the old laptop that sat on the table near the front door. Bella stopped breathing, scared he would grab the computer and take it with him, back to where it came from.

He left it there and walked to his car. It was new. Again. Apparently cars only last six months now and he would trade them in on a new model.

She wondered if he would ever trade her in on a new model wife, rebel against his religious beliefs, and try to be happy again.

Bella hurried to the sink and rinsed out his cup and hers and placed them in the dishwasher. She had all day to fill. The housework was always done, she cleaned and tidied as she went, nothing was ever out of place.

So different to when they shared their lives with...

The automatic block reappeared and Bella shook her head and picked up a cloth to polish something that had been polished only yesterday. She looked in surprise when she realized it had been a whole day, she hadn't double polished in the afternoon yesterday.

Only in the morning.

That was new, almost a breakthrough. Her therapist would have called it a Happy Progress, if she told her.

She wouldn't.

She liked this feeling of having a secret. Her therapist would tell Edward and he would take away the source of her newfound joy.

Instead of her usual slow and meticulous polishing spree, she hurried through and missed every second item. Now she had changed her routine yesterday, she wanted to get back to it, the new routine.

The lure, the temptation, it was too much. Years of caring about nothing at all made this new innocent hobby shine in a way others would laugh at and not understand it's importance in her otherwise dismal life.

Edward had inadvertently started this, opened this new window to the world.

He thought he was punishing her more, making her life even more miserable, still not realizing anything he did to her could never match the pain and hate she punished herself with.

He had brought home the old laptop from the office and left it on, showing a scene of a street in Paris, where he had recently been on a 'business trip', and the photo clearly showed the anorexic and hateful Tanya sitting beside him in a street cafe, laughing with him, drinking coffee, looking like the perfectly matched couple.

He had saved it as the background, and locked it in so she couldn't change it. He wanted it to hurt and offend her but she had actually fought back this time.

Instead of crying and running to her cold and empty bedroom, she had opened a new Window and used Google and found an online adult education site. She had just been randomly browsing, wondering if there were books online she could read for free, seeing Edward never allowed her to spend any money without his approval, and only he knew their bank account and credit card details, so she always had to go to him, cap in hand and beg for whatever she needed.

Then she overheard two women in the supermarket talking about a story they had read online, and she had been surprised and had rushed home and searched for any books. She only found a few sites that reviewed current novels, that was no help, Edward forbade the purchase of books, and didn't even allow her a library card.

He didn't want her to have any method of escaping her own life.

Then she had stumbled across a message board for amateur writers, and read what the wannabe writers had done to learn to write. This led to a free online site some of them mentioned and now she, too, was learning how to write.

Her therapist had told her years ago, to write about her experiences, no matter how painful, but she was not ready for that yet. She thought maybe she could begin with a fairy story. About how she wished her life was now.

That she could handle. It didn't have to be all fiction, they had been happy once. Maybe she could let some memories surface and learn to deal if she wrote about them. What they once had been.

Writers all pulled bits and pieces from their own lives, she would be no different.

She opened the Google Documents page and stared at the blank screen. Starting would be the hardest, she assumed.

She had hours to spare and nobody ever would see what she wrote, so she could let honesty enter her story and not fear retribution for once.

Now, how to begin?

It was a dark and stormy night...

Once upon a time...

xxx xxx xxx xxx

**The Miracle**

**Chapter One**

**A Life Begins**

**Marie gazed at the face of her newborn daughter and suddenly knew why she had been put on this earth. To bring forth this child, so small, so perfect, so worth every pain and ounce of fat that now sat on the new mother's hips. The stretchmarks on her belly ceased to be a concern, they were the price she had to pay to give birth to a miracle.**

**She looked up and caught the gaze of her adoring husband, Edward.**

No, not Edward.

**her adoring husband, Jacob.**

She had always liked the name Jacob even though she had never met anyone of that name in her whole life.

**Their hearts celebrated together as they stared in awe at their little piece of Heaven, their angel.**

Angel.

Angel.

The word echoed in her ears.

She shook it away.

"**What shall we name her?" Marie asked. Jacob smiled and lifted the baby into his arms.**

"**Lissette Marie Cullen" he replied, clearly he had saved the name for ages, it was not a spur of the moment fancy.**

"**Lissette. That's so pretty. I love it," Marie answered. The name was as pretty as the baby and it suited her so well. No doubt she would get 'Lissy', maybe 'Lisa' but they were all pretty names for a pretty girl.**

**Lissette yawned and fell asleep as her father held her tight. He walked to the window of the delivery room and laughed as he saw the copper highlights in her hair. She was so like him, already. Right from birth.**

**Marie was relieved her daughter had taken after the attractive parent, and not the plainer side of the family. Marie was under no illusions, only Jacob thought she was beautiful but it didn't matter, because his opinion was the only one that counted.**

**Only Jacob had ever seen her as desirable, attractive, someone worthy of himself. He was fashioned after a Greek God, and his perfection had always pleased her eyes.**

**Now it seemed his baby was to be as beautiful as he was. Marie hoped she would have the same perfect soul as her father, as well.**

**Jacob placed their daughter in the perspex crib at her side and sat on the bed. He ignored the stains and mess and cupped her face in his hands.**

"**Thank you, Bella, from the bottom of my heart. She is so beautiful, so perfect. I will love her and treasure her forever, just as I will always treasure and love you."**

Bella looked at those last sentences. She should change the mother's name back to Marie, but she wanted the real name there. Her real name.

She couldn't replace Lissette's name with a fictional name because she needed to acknowledge her daughter had existed, and had changed their lives irrevocably.

There had been no going back, no way to go on , once she...

Angel.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward looked up as Tanya swayed into his office and perched herself on the corner of his desk. He repressed an urge to tell her he was working and would she go the hell away until he took a break. Of his own timing, his own choosing. It was his company, he could make the rules up as he went, but it annoyed him when she presumed he wanted her presence when he had not asked for it.

"I'm bored," she sighed, uncrossing her legs so her dangerously short skirt revealed her lack of panties as she casually recrossed them the opposite way.

Edward breathed in deeply, he could smell her need and want from here.

"Tanya, I have a meeting in fifteen minutes," he reminded her. She should know this, she was his P.A.

"Oh Edward, tell Mr Whoever to reschedule and take me somewhere for lunch, somewhere fun," she whined.

"Mr Jasper Whitlock, my brother-in-law and it is a business meeting, and he will be reporting how it went to his wife, my sister. Thus my entire family will know if you don't act professionally around the office. Now be a good girl and go show him in, and get us both a coffee when he arrives. A pot, Tanya, and bring in the cream and sugar, I don't want to burden you with having to remember how we both take it."

She sighed again, checking her fingernails for chips and cracks, and found none, so slithered off his desk, one hand fondling his hair. Edward slapped her hand away, annoyed, and stood to reach for the file resting atop the cabinet.

Tanya's hand was reaching for his backside in a flash, a smirk on her face as she grabbed the tight flesh and barely found anything loose enough to squeeze.

He stepped back and shook her off impatiently.

"Tanya, coffee, now."

She waggled her hips and exaggerated her natural sexy swagger as she left the room, pausing to pick up some imaginary speck from the carpet at the doorway, and looking over her shoulder to make sure he was watching. His eyes were glued to the hem of her skirt and she laughed.

Men.

They were so easy.

She found two matching cups and even saucers to go under them, and carried the sugar pot as well, quite a feat, placing them on his desk, making sure she leaned far enough forward so her breasts were exposed to lots of nice, fresh air. He coughed and turned away, trying to discretely adjust himself in his trousers.

Tanya smirked and sashayed out to find the coffee pot and cream.

The outer door opened and she flashed a smile to the handsome, tall Texan who she knew well. He didn't like her, but whatever. A man was a man. One day his silly little wife would decide she was sick of sex, as all good girls did, and then Mr Jasper Whitlock would remember Tanya Denali and look her up in the book and come visit her fancy apartment that she had never paid one cent towards.

Men could be so generous if you treated them right.

Wives were stupid creatures, and she had no doubt Edward's little mouse of a wife deserved all she got. He refused to mention her by name, and woe betide anyone who ever did.

Of course, Emmett never cared for Edward's Rules, he always asked after 'Bella' and ignored the glare his brother gave in return. Nothing would ever shut up Emmett, he was so self-assured and just such a happy man. So different to Edward. Would it hurt the man to smile? He only ever smiled when a camera was shoved in front of his face, then he changed like magic.

Gone was sad and tired Emo Edward and in his place was Elated, Energized Edward.

She liked that Edward a lot better but he rarely appeared, he didn't come out to play nearly often enough.

"My brother is expecting me," drawled the Texan voice. Brother, he cared nothing for his correct title, he was merely Edward's brother-in-law but it seemed the fact he had known Edward all his life allowed him to upgrade his status.

"Come this way," said Tanya. She liked using the word 'come' as often as possible around men, it sent their tiny brains straight to where she wanted it. Jasper scowled and pushed past her. She probably should give up with him, he just didn't fall for any of her many games, but she hated to see any man wasted, and he was so pretty. She loved his straight black hair, and his big blue eyes, and his crooked grin. Not that he had ever bestowed it on her.

No, that frumpy little sister of Edward's got all his smiles. God knows what he even saw in her. Tanya had fully expected him to crack while Alice was pregnant, all women went off sex when they were fat and ugly, didn't they? How could they even offer themselves to a man in that disgusting condition? Yet Jasper had acted like she was even more alluring and beautiful.

Clearly they bred them different in the lone star state.

They just didn't appreciate a truly gorgeous and sexy woman like herself.

She adjusted her boobs and made sure they were pointing upward and out there. God knows she had paid enough for them, they were never being shut away in some secretary outfit.

"Your brother is here, Mr Cullen," she cooed unnecessarily as Jasper was already sitting in the chair across the desk from her Boss. Tanya twirled her hair and sucked a finger into her botoxed lips.

"Thank you, you may shut the door behind you, Tanya," Edward ordered.

Oops, is that a crumb on the carpet? She started to bend over and suddenly he was behind her, grabbing her hips, pulling her upright and out the door in one motion, shutting it behind her.

She looked for her purse, must be time to retouch the make-up, it had been maybe an hour already.

Jasper scowled at Edward.

"Why the fuck is she still employed? Don't bother even telling me she is good at her job, she can't remember her own name let alone the client's names."

"She does a reasonable job, Jas, and I don't have time to interview new staff. You find me a replacement and I will gladly chuck her out on her ear," he replied, sitting down and opening the file on his desk.

"Are you and her..." Jasper asked, leaving the question open to interpretation, but there was only one way to decipher it.

"God, sometimes I wish I was, God forgive me," sighed Edward, running his hands through his hair.

"So, nothing's changed at home?" asked Jasper, delicately.

Edward sat back and faced his brother.

"Nothing will ever change, Jasper. She hates me and who can blame her? If I were any sort of a decent human being I would hand her my credit card and let her go free, like she deserves. But I can't."

"Why can't you, Edward?" he asked softly.

"Because without her I truly am nothing."


	2. Chapter 2

**Victoria says stories are only worth reading if there is sex, blame her!**

Unforgiven

Chapter Two

Drinkies

Bella carefully bookmarked the page then closed the Window. That was enough for today, as it was, those few words had brought back so many memories. And time passed so quickly when she was writing, it would never do to forget her chores and have Edward catch her wasting time on the laptop when she had so many important things to do. She sighed.

Maybe she should have started the story when she conceived Lissette, or when she and Edward married, or the day they met.

She would never forget any of those magical, special times. Maybe she should write about them and relive her life back when it was worth living.

It could be her own little treat to herself.

She walked upstairs and opened the door to the Lilac Room. It looked tired and lacklustre, like the rest of the house. She had no idea why Edward had bought this particular house, he usually liked everything shiny and new, and this place was neither. It was at least fifty years old, desperately in need of a facelift, and the plumbing was questionable.

He had hired an electrician to rewire from scratch, so it wasn't unsafe but it would never be a comfortable, let alone attractive house until some time and money were spent on it.

She decided to tell Edward this room did need redecorating, maybe one room would lead to another. Maybe he would let her redecorate and update the house to something that didn't look like a pair of old aged pensioners lived here.

It had been sold fully furnished, and that was a great pity, because the furniture was as outdated as the house itself.

The beds were lumpy and the mattresses misshapen.

She suspected any visitor would assume they lived on a tight budget and just couldn't afford nice things but Edward had more money than God. She suspected he just liked keeping her in a not-so-gilded cage.

She lay on the bed and it sagged towards the middle. This would never do for Carlisle and Esme, they were used to nice things, good furniture.

Bella stood and started stripping the covers and blankets off the bed, and threw them on the floor. Next chore, wash them all.

On second thoughts, it was trash collection day.

If they were gone, he would have no choice but to replace them.

She felt lighthearted and bold and she dragged the bedding down the stairs and out the front door, into the street where he had taken the trashcan to await emptying.

It was barely used, there was nothing but a few scraps in the very bottom, so she delightedly stuffed in the blankets and quilt and sheets and laughed a little as she did so.

Her bedroom!

She could toss her old bedding as well, though she would leave his alone. She rarely if ever entered his bedroom, she cared little about what he may have done to make it more livable for himself.

Her dusty cover and blankets and worn sheets joined the others and she could still fit in more.

What next?

What else did she hate with as much passion as those bedcovers?

She wandered from room to room, considering the rugs on the floors, the cloth on the table...no, they were hardly offensive.

The curtains!

Of course, it was staring at her in the face.

They were the same in every single room of the whole house.

Dull, once white background with massive, hideous cabbage roses in shades of red and purple now faded and dulled with sunlight and age.

She tore them down, room by room, and gathered up armfuls now and then and ran to stuff them into the bin.

The sun shone in through the naked windows and sparkled on the polished to within an inch of their life ornaments that she detested but kept clean.

No, she dared not throw anything that personal away.

Edward had collected things from all around the world, on his travels alone, then when they travelled together after the wedding. And later still, when they showed their little princess how wonderful the world could be.

"Lissette," said Bella, out loud.

There, she had said her name.

She felt a surge of victory go through her body.

"Lissette Marie Cullen", born 28th February, died January 12th, just short of her fourth birthday.

Bella smiled, despite the pain that overtook the feeling of victory.

Unfortunately, she had not died with her daughter, so she had to find a way to live without her.

She could still fit some small items into that trashcan so she chose the things she detested the most.

The fluffy slippers Edward had bought her for Christmas, knowing she had never been a fluffy slipper kind of woman.

The robe she wore, and had worn for so many years it no longer could even tell you what color it had started life as. So, he would refuse to replace it, she knew that.

Better to freeze to death than look like some middle aged frump.

Middle aged.

When exactly was that, again? How many more years did she have to exist here, before Death held out it's welcoming hand?

She was 32 years old, so maybe she would die at 64.

God, half her life still to endure.

She had tightly attached the lid of the trashcan when a familiar yellow Porsche pulled into her driveway and Alice took off her sunglasses and stepped out of the car.

"Hey Bella," she said, surprised to see her friend and sister-in-law outside.

"I have been making a few changes," grinned Bella.

Alice was unsure how to react. Bella was smiling? Well, grinning, nearly the same.

"So, show me what you have done," she said, walking inside beside the slightly taller woman.

Bella threw open the door and Alice blinked.

My God, those disgusting curtains were gone. Every window shone in the sun, and almost blinded her.

"That's what I call a brilliant start. I knew Edward would have to crack and get rid of them one day. I can't believe he held out for five years."

The look on Bella's face quietened her.

"Bella, Edward did tell you to throw them away, right?"

"Who cares, Alice? If he refuses to replace them, who cares? WHO GIVES A FUCK!"

Alice swallowed nervously.

Who was this woman and where was the subdued, downtrodden girl who had overtaken the body of the girl she had known for twenty years, six years ago?

Bella grabbed her hand and pulled her upstairs, throwing open the door to her bedroom.

The mattress was bare, and Bella stood on the bed and tried to jump up and down but the age of the bed and mattress prevented any sort of springing.

"Help me drag this motherfucker down, as well, Alice. Please. I would rather curl up on the floor."

Alice grinned and dropped her purse on the side table and grabbed the other upper corner and the two women wrestled the ancient monster down each stair, and out through the door.

The truck was in the street and they hurriedly tugged and dragged the heavy item between them, determined to get it to the curb.

"Wait," said Alice, running upstairs again. She took a crisp $50 from her pocketbook and ran downstairs, dropping her purse on the sofa, then going outside, tipping the driver and giving him her best smile and a wink.

"Okay, okay, but you tell anyone I took it and my job is on the line," he warned as he whistled his offsider to help him throw the beast inside the back end of the garbage truck and they all stood and watched it be chopped up and destroyed as it deserved.

"Thank you," trilled Alice, waving as they left. She helped Bella put the empty trashcan away in it's little fenced off area of the front yard and they ran inside together.

"I won't tell Edward you had any part in this," Bella swore.

"I haven't broken any rules, Bella. He told me I can never give you money and I haven't. You never touched that fifty. And Edward has never said to me 'do not help Bella drag a mattress down the staircase' so it must be in the short list of things I am allowed to do. God knows there are a million things on the Don't list."

"Shall we have tea? Or something stronger? Like they say, it's five o'clock somewhere in the world. Maybe Australia?" Bella laughed.

"Oooh, Edward will not like this," said Alice gleefully as they unlocked the drinks cabinet. "But as you so beautifully put it, who gives a fuck."

Bella never drank, never had, so her husband had not actually thought to ban her from stealing his single malt Scotch Whiskey.

Alice rubbed her hands together as the golden liquid rose to the middle of the glass's height.

"God, Bella, I will be paralytic! And you will die from alcoholic poisoning, seeing your liver has never had to cope with the demon drink," she warned.

"Really? A glass of whisky could kill me?" she questioned, scaring her friend back down to earth. She really seemed far too interested in the answer.

Alice grabbed the bottle from her hand and steadily repoured most of the liquid in each glass back into the bottle. Even this would make Edward have kittens, he would probably prefer they tossed the alcohol away rather than put it back.

Germs,viruses, something would be a threat to the rest of the contents, no doubt.

Like anything could live in whisky.

Alice sipped from her glass and smacked her lips.

"It's been, God, how long since I had a drink? Before the pregnancy, before we started trying, before the three fucking years it took to finally conceive that child," she exclaimed.

Bella laughed.

"Well, at least you are not an alcohol virgin like me," she exclaimed and swallowed the contents of her glass down in one gulp.

Alice froze as the woman in front of her opened and closed her mouth soundlessly, looking like she had swallowed poison.

Finally she coughed and Alice patted her back.

"There you go, it really is better to sip, not guzzle, your first few drinks, Bella," she chided.

"I shall try to do better this time," Bella answered hoarsely.

She poured another drink and this time, sat and sipped with Alice.

"What's changed, Bella?" asked Alice.

"I seem to spend my whole life waiting to die, I just figured I may as well live first. Despite your brother. He may keep me locked away here but who says I can't walk to wherever I want to go? Who says his rules have to apply to me? What's he going to do, kill me? I would love that. I would even dig the hole out the back. Divorce me? Go ahead, make my fucking day, Edward," she yelled.

"Bella, you know he would never hurt you," said Alice softly.

"He can't. I just realized that, Alice, Nobody can do anything to me now that would hurt more than I have already been hurt. I'm free."

She looked at her friend.

"I'm really sorry for avoiding you, Alice. You know it was just the baby and all. I just can't bear to see others with what I lost. It's unfair to you, you had to try so long to get her and I refuse to see her. I know it makes everything harder for everyone. She isn't Lissette, I see that now."

"I understand, Bella, truly I do. If our places were reversed, I could not have even found the courage to live."

"It doesn't take courage to do nothing, Alice. That's what I do every single day. Nothing. I exist. I don't live, not by any definition of the word."

She poured another drink for them each and Alice frowned at the amount in her glass but took it anyway.

At least the alcohol had loosened her friends tongue and let her talk. She hadn't said anything real for years. If you ignored the comments on the weather and the queries as to whether you preferred tea or coffee, Bella really never spoke at all. Edward did the talking, in fact, he talked too much. It was like stretches of silence scared him and he had to fill them. He was always on show when they visited, determined to convince everyone he was alright, he was a survivor. He was no more alive than she was.

"Tell me about her, Alice. Do you have a photo?" Bella asked.

"Boy, was that the wrong question," said Alice, reaching up for her purse off the sofa she leaned against from her spot on the floor. It just seemed safer, sitting on the floor. Nowhere to fall.

Bella had joined her there and they sat close together and Alice pulled out the long strip of photographs that chronicled the first eleven months of Ashley Jolene Whitlock's life.

Bella teared up at the little screwed up face of the newborn in the first photo. Then there she was, smooth skinned and pretty already, at one month. Dark hair, so dark, almost black, but then both her parents had black hair. Blue eyes, really piercing blue, different to Jaz's, more like Carlisle's. She was nothing like Lissette, nobody would ever guess they were cousins.

Whereas their daughter had been tiny and short limbed, like a little doll, this baby had her father's height and arm span.

"She is like Jasper, wouldn't you say? So many people just assume she looks exactly like me, but I never had those long limbs. Actually, Lissette..."

She stopped.

"Lissette was like you," Bella finished for her, nodding as she drained the glass.

She poured another shot each.

Alice growled.

"Last one, come on, don't be chickenshit. Though why people who don't take dares are chickenshit, I have never worked out. What has the digestive system of poultry got to do with using your brain and not doing something stupid, as dares inevitably are?"

Alice accepted the drink and sipped it slowly.

"I miss her, Bella. We all do. She was the first Cullen grandchild. She made me an aunt, I miss being an aunt."

"Yeah, and I don't appreciate the honor of being one. I really am solly, Arice."

She laughed as she slurred the words.

"Just do better, come to her first birthday party, Bella. Please. Just for five minutes. Just long enough to see her in the flesh and let her meet her favorite aunt."

"I am hardly her favorite aunt, we have never laid eyes on one another. At least Rose visits and holds her."

"And wishes she was hers," added Alice.

"Well, I guess I would be tempted to steal her away, if I ever grew the balls to hold her."

Bella slid down onto the floor, her head on the shoes she had removed at some point.

"Sleepy."

"Yeah, I know whatcha..." agreed Alice, curling up on the rug. I really hate this rug, she thought, we should have...

Edward unlocked the front door and walked inside. The sight before him startled and alarmed him at first, two unconscious bodies on his lounge room floor.

Then he saw the level of whisky missing and the glasses now empty, pools of whiskey drained out onto the rug. Both women were laying pretty much in the recovery position. He checked their breathing and pulled back at the sour whisky breath both were emitting.

Alive then.

He pulled out his cellphone and hit the direct dial for Jasper's phone.

"Hi, I was just wondering if your wife was M.I.A" he asked.

"She said she was going to see Bella. What's happened?" he asked.

"They appear to be rat-assed drunk. On single malt."

"Oooh. Sorry about that," he answered.

"Jasper, you can no more control my sister than I can my wife. Want to leave her here or come get her? I don't like the idea of leaving Bella home alone to deliver Alice to you."

"Leave her there. Maybe she will learn a lesson if she sleeps on that crappy old sofa of yours," he suggested.

Edward shrugged.

"Fine, see you bright and early. I shall be the sober one cooking up a mess of fried eggs and bacon, extra grease. Please make all the noise you want."

He shut the phone and looked at the two small faces.

They must have had quite a night.

He lifted his wife into his arms and carried her upstairs, kicking her door further ajar. There stood her bed, no mattress, no bedding.

He carried her into the spare room, the so called Lilac room.

No bedding and no curtains, that's what was different about the house.

The curtains had disappeared.

The other guestroom had no bed at all, he had never bothered changing it from the study the former occupants had used it as. And the pink room had a bed but as it was a child's room, they had never ventured inside it. He kept it as some warped idea of a shrine even though Lissette had never lived in this house.

He sighed and lay his wife down on the spare side of his bed, in his own bedroom. For a moment, he sat on the bed beside her and smoothed the hair away from her face. Her eyes had dark purple marks beneath them, as they had these last six years. She used to be so beautiful, he thought. She still was, just faded and dulled by pain and guilt.

He understood both. He lived with them daily.

He touched her belly lightly, where both his children had grown.

She blamed him for Lissette's death, he knew that, and he blamed her for the death of the unnamed boy.

He let his head sink into his hands and just sat beside her for a while, in the silence. This was as close as she had let him be to her in years. Of course, she didn't even know he was here now.

He brushed his fingertips across her cheeks, her lips, and placed his forehead on hers.

"Bella," he whispered hopelessly.

He lay down beside her and shifted so her body rolled against his.

He really should have bought new mattresses at least. He wondered as she slid beside him, what she had done with hers, and when? Was it outside burned to a crisp in a bonfire? Had she been sleeping on her floor?

He ran a finger down the side of her arm and watched her breathe.

She seemed at peace, finally. Maybe she should have done this years ago.

He knew it was a false peace and once her headache abated tomorrow, she would be right back where she was before.

Unless she drank the rest of the bottle and delayed it further. He had better get a lock for the cabinet, before she drank herself to death.

He knew the futility she felt, and he knew the desperation. Hadn't he wanted to end himself, many times? She was the only reason he had not followed through. He thought about the gun in the study desk drawer. He locked the bullets away separately but desperate people often find a way, if she bought a single bullet with the petty change he restricted her to, she could try something much more likely to kill her.

A car pulled up outside, and Edward reluctantly stood and walked down to let his brother in.

"So, the ladies had themselves a little party. At least they have good taste and went for the good stuff," said Jasper, righting the bottle where it sagged dangerously against the cushion on the floor.

Edward reached for it and screwed the top back on.

"Want a hand getting her into the car?" he asked, nodding toward his sister.

"Sure, she looks tiny but she sure is a deadweight when she is plastered," said Jasper.

Edward took her feet and followed as Jaz walked out backwards. He stopped dead at the sight of the sleepy baby in the carseat.

"Edward, meet Ashley. Ashley, this is your Uncle Edward, who has avoided meeting you since he saw you in hospital behind glass as a newborn, which is one more time than Auntie Bella ever did."

"Yeah, sorry," answered Edward, swinging the baby's mother's feet into the car.

Jasper strapped his wife in as Edward opened the backdoor and sank to his haunches, and held a finger out to the baby. She grinned and clasped his finger in her hand and attempted to bite it.

Jasper watched silently, patiently.

Edward had not been near a baby for many years now. He would manage the obligatory hospital visit and pretend to look at the baby in the bassinet behind the viewing screen, but up close and personal? No way.

Jaz was glad the breakthrough baby was his own daughter. He wanted Edward to like her, for herself. Not dislike her because she wasn't Lissette.

"You two did good, she is wonderful, Jaz," Edward said, making no attempt to stand. He smiled at the little girl and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. The baby giggled and reached for his hair.

"Dada," she babbled, the meaning of the word had yet to occur to her.

He stood abruptly and closed her door, quietly, and waved a quick wave to Jaz before disappearing inside.

"Well done, Ashley, you just made Uncle Edward feel something again," he murmured to his daughter.

He started the car and headed home with his sleepy daughter and drunk wife. Ah, married life, it was the best.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward locked the door and walked slowly upstairs. He was unsure of what to do now. Did he sleep in the same bed as Bella, without her permission? He laughed quietly, it would never happen with her permission, that was for sure.

He wouldn't touch her, but he longed to spend one night just watching her sleep. He had tried the handle on her own bedroom door a few times in the past five years but it was always locked. He had no idea if she knew he did that, they rarely spoke and never about anything important.

Stripping off his clothes, he hung his work suit up and put his shirt and underthings into the laundry basket. He dressed in his usual flannel sleep pants and slid onto the bed beside her, glad he had yet to buy a new mattress as this one kept delivering his wife to his side snugly, in a way she would never lay if awake.

He left the nightlight on all night. He liked the patterns it threw onto the ceiling. It was the one thing of Lissette's he had openly kept and used. She had loved it, from the first night he set it up beside her crib. He could still see her face, especially when he looked at Bella, for all the fact his daughter had his hair and smile, she had been born with Bella's eyes. Deep brown pools of velvet.

It hurt him now to even look into his wife's eyes, in case he forgot and thought they were the child's. He was scared of his own 110 pound wife. Of all the people left on earth, she was the only one capable of hurting him.

If his own parents and siblings had turned him away, he would cope, but if she left him, he would truly die. He knew the way he trapped her here was cowardly and unfair, and the way he baited her with Tanya, trying to get a reaction, was mean and cruel, but her eyes were so dead and he hated that. They had always been so expressive, so full of life, the thing he loved about her most of all.

Now they alternated between accusing him and hating him and worst still, sometimes they didn't even bother, they just didn't care.

He would change things, he would fire the stupid woman he was using to pretend he was having an affair with, and hire someone older, competent would be good. Maybe a man even.

He had told Jasper he had no time but he would make time, he managed to do that on many occassions.

Bella rolled away and the dip in the mattress brought her back, now her back lay against his chest and he lightly surrounded her body with his arms. Her hair smelled just like he had always remembered. It was the second thing he had noticed about her, that day in class, when she sat beside him as the new kid in school.

Before that, Edward had assumed girls would smell much the same as boys, why not? But the scent that drifted across his face every time she tossed her fifteen year old head back, and her hair flowed out, and called to him, spoke differently. She smelt like a girl.

Whether other girls smelt as good, he didn't actually know, he had never been very close to any others.

He had never even kissed another pair of lips apart from hers. Other than in friendship. He kissed Alice and Rose, well, he had in the past, but only ever as an acknowledgement that they were his sisters.

He had kissed Esme, his mother.

Just when he was getting to the stage at High School where kissing girls became something he wanted to do, in sailed Isabella Swan and stole all his kisses for herself.

And he had given them gladly.

Somehow, the other girls lost appeal beside her, and all he wanted was to kiss her as often as she would let him. She never turned him away, and when kisses started to come accompanied by touches, she was as eager as him.

Her hands had felt his body as often as his felt hers, and she had actually touched his most private area under his boxers before he had summed up the courage to slide his hand inside her panties, rather than feeling through the fabric as usual.

She had been game for anything, when it came to him.

He smirked as he remembered their first time.

He had everything planned. For the next night. Romantic dinner, rose petals, friendship ring, stolen bottle of wine, alibi prepared.

Then she went and beat him to it.

It was her sixteenth birthday, his parents were all soothed into a false sense of security, Esme and Carlisle going away for the weekend, knowing the boys would be fine left home alone and their daughter was sleeping at her best friends house, and Bella Swan had no brothers, so what could happen?

Alice somehow got lost on her way over to the Swan house and ended up in Jasper's house, in his bed, for their first full night together. His mother was rarely home, and even if she was, rarely sober.

And Bella, all lonely with Alice gone, had crept into his window, and curled up naked and warm beside him in his own bed.

Thank God Emmett had his vast supply of condoms and allowed Edward to take a couple. Well, six.

Emmett judged his brother by his own performance standard. Edward had only used half of them, but the first three times he had sex were all in the same night, with the same girl, and he had never wanted to sleep with anyone else ever since.

Okay, that may be a lie. Even Tanya had started to look good lately. Six years of involuntary celibacy was hurting, he needed more than his own hand offered lately, but he hadn't folded yet.

He had shocked himself by suddenly finding his hand on Tanya's thigh this afternoon.

She, of course, had opened her legs and offered more but he had pulled away as though stung.

He didn't want her, as a person, more as a blow up doll he could fuck and deflate and leave in his drawer at work.

Sleep overtook him as he lay there, being in contact with Bella again, if only chastely. He slept deeply, relaxed and almost happy.

When he awoke in the pre dawn, his body had sensed hers and reacted normally, like any sex deprived male would.

He stroked his erection and watched his wife as she slept so closely they were touching almost everywhere.

Her hand shocked him, when she suddenly pushed his hand away and took over. Her eyes were still shut, so he closed his own and lay there, feeling her hand work him, hoping she would keep going until he exploded.

Instead she rolled to face him and tucked his erection inside herself.

He didn't need a written invitation, he pushed himself eagerly inside her and held her body, raising her to push in closer.

"Bella," he whispered in awe. She felt so good, even better than he remembered. His body knew exactly what to do, pushing inside, pulling out, then back in, deeper each time, she was so tight from their time apart, he didn't remember her feeling this tight since High School.

He kissed her face, gently, timidly, scared she would change her mind and push him away.

Her eyes were open wide and she stared into his, watching him as he cried with joy to be inside her again. She was not laying there passively, she grabbed his backside and pulled him in deeper, and her body writhed beneath his, bucking back as he rocked into her.

He felt her grind against his pelvic bone and watched as she gasped in air and threw her head back against the pillow.

She came only seconds before he did, and he held her close and tight while their bodies enjoyed each other, and swayed slower.

She rolled them over and sat on his thighs and refused to let him withdraw.

She slid a hand down to their joining and worked him again, on the inch or so at the base of his reawakening penis. When he hardened fully, she rode him hard, grinding, never missing a beat.

"Bella," he said in wonder. She had been so dead inside, now she was full of fire.

She gazed down, into his eyes as she rose and fell, over and over, a smile on her lips.

"Have you been fucking Tanya?" she demanded.

"No, I swear. I was thinking about it, but I have never cheated on you, Bella."

She cocked her head, considering his words, his tone, his eyes.

He had never gotten away with lying to her, not even about small stuff. He had never tried or had any reason to lie about big stuff.

"Nobody fucks with you but me, understand?" she growled, rocking harder.

"Right. Nobody but you," he repeated.

"Not that fucking skank especially," she said harshly.

"She is gone. I will transfer her somewhere far away, today," he swore.

"See that you do," she threatened.

"Bella," he said, softly.

So much to say, so much he needed to tell her.

Like he still loved her and he needed her and wanted their life back.

"Don't say anything, Edward, don't spoil this."

He nodded.

She ground harder and cried out loud. Her rocking was becoming erratic. Frenzied.

She grabbed his shoulders and leaned over him, watching him watch her.

"Make me come again, Edward," she pleaded.

His hands went straight to hold her hips tightly, guiding her up and down, pulling her closer when she fell, pushing hard against her clit. He rotated his hips and ground into her, and she screamed for more, so he pushed harder and moved her faster.

She swore beautifully, her voice so full of relief, he wanted to laugh with pure joy.

She pulsed madly, strongly, around him as he pumped inside her, her body clenching him so tightly he feared he may pass out.

His release matched hers and he felt himself drain into her in jolts so strong he wondered if his spine would snap.

She flopped onto his chest and he put his arms around her. He tenderly kissed the top of her head.

Bella sat up and climbed off him.

"We can fuck Edward, anytime you want. Just knock on my door."

He nodded.

It was a start.

"And I need a new bed. New mattress, new bedding, new bedframe, the works. And so does the Lilac room, and so does this room. Make mine a brass frame. Something strong with places for handcuffs."

"Okay, no problem," he said, stunned. If his body wasn't so satisfied and exhausted, he would have bet he was dreaming or hallucinating.

The dampness of his pubic hair assured him she had been here.

"Bella," he sighed, unsure of what that had just meant to her, if anything. She had not looked at him kindly, at all. But she had told him to knock at her door and he would, she could count on that.

The sound of her shower going reached his ears, and he imagined her body , glittering with water.

He was so relieved he had delayed the seduction of Tanya until today. Now it would never happen. If he had gone with it yesterday, as he had been tempted to, he would probably be dead now. Bella would have never forgiven that slip.

And she would have known, not matter what he tried saying.

"Thank you, God, universe, guiding light, guardian angel," he hoped he had covered them all.

**Well, whatcha think, shall we continue? Review yay or nay.**


	3. Chapter 3

Unforgiven

Chapter 3

Unforgivable

Edward showered and reluctantly washed away all evidence of this mornings activities. He felt so unsure, off balance, about where they now stood. She had not let him speak and he wondered if she even had a clue how much he loved her, despite everything. He knew she had not let their son die on purpose, but did she really think he had wanted Lissette to leave them?

Africa had always been one of his favorite countries and he had hoped his wife would be as enamoured and enchanted as he was.

He owned land there, and he had built the house mainly with his own hands. Of course, he had hired a group of local men to assist but in Africa, the idea of working all day and getting the job done as soon as possible was foreign, and they laughed when he would try and coax them to stay a whole morning, let alone day.

He bribed them with crates of Coca Cola, it was still a rare thing in the outlying areas, and they would eye off the crate of shimmering, cold soda and put in maybe a half days labor in order to claim one.

But even a second bottle would not bribe them further and they would wander off aimlessly by noon, and leave him alone, working in the hot sun.

When the house was finally done, he had loved it. There was nothing in sight, except the occasional herd of animals as they wandered through, disregarding who owned what land, to them, they still owned it all.

He owned right to the edge of the riverbank, so the animals would gather to drink at dusk, and he would sit in his bedroom, on the wide, bamboo framed bed, and watch them.

He went there every year, until he married Bella and she immediately wanted a child.

He had been unsure at first, but they had been together so long, it was hardly a new relationship by then. They were secure, settled, ready for the happy ever after.

Why not seal the deal with a child?

Lissette had arrived and completed them.

It was that simple.

She took a perfect couple and made them into a perfect family.

Bella was happy, Edward was ecstatic, life was so good, so wonderful. They travelled, they lived in a beautiful house, they had everything.

Everyone who knew them, envied them.

They were perfect, they were what everyone wanted to be, but rarely got to be.

Edward felt ready for the final stage.

He and Emmett worked things out. Emmett was CEO here in the States, Edward would be equal partner, but live in Africa.

So to Africa they went.

Bella had been nervous, everything was different when you looked with eyes knowing this was where you would now live, forever.

Holidays had always been great, but this was so much more.

Suddenly things she barely noticed seemed threatening. She had a child to protect.

She was scared the animals would suddenly turn and attack even though Edward assured her and explained they just wanted to drink, then would move on.

He warned Lissette to stay inside, always, unless accompanied by one of her parents, he didn't trust the staff with a child as precious as she was.

She was obedient and pliable and always did exactly what he told her, if he explained why.

She was outgoing and adventurous but had a little of her mother's timidity and wouldn't dream of wandering off alone. She played with the small, dark skinned children of the staff and adored them all. They saw her as a princess, and all who knew her felt the same.

Edward thought if they stayed for a year, his girls would fall in love with the peace and serenity and want to live there forever.

It had not worked out quite like that.

Bella hated it when he had to travel to the city for work, which he did as infrequently as possible. Emmett ran the main office here in the states and Edward merely spent maybe a day each month in the small, hot office in Kenya, the rest of the time he worked online from his house, or on the phone.

His physical presence was not necessary and the business boomed with or without him. Emmett was a mere eleven months younger than Edward and just as clever and astute when it came to making money.

He had grown physically larger at puberty, and most people assumed Emmett was the older brother.

He had met Rosalie at High School, the same as Edward had met Bella, but like Emmett, Rose had matured a lot faster than other girls and they had begun their sexual coupling before either were even the obligatory sixteen years of age.

Like his brother, he had never sought sex from any other female, Rose was all he had ever wanted, and all he could handle, truth be told.

They had never been apart and had shared an off campus flat the moment they escaped to NYU.

Marriage had never been high on their list of priorities, they were happy as things were, why fix what 'ain't' broke, and they knew they were devoted to one another for life,anyway. Wasn't that all that mattered?

They had never given much thought to the subject of children, then Lissette had been born and Emmett saw a glint in Rose's eyes. She was no way ready back then, but he knew in that instant, children would be part of their future after all.

Everyone had doted on Lissette.

Carlisle thought the sun rose and set in the child, Esme spent endless hours photographing her, many of her exhibitions featured just one subject, Lissette.

The grandparents had gone to Africa when they could no longer bear to be apart from their precious ray of sunshine. Esme wanted to stay, to live there with them. The house was big enough, Edward had built many rooms, she and Carlisle could live there and be comfortable and be company for Bella.

And be there to play with Lissette.

Edward had agreed, Bella was thrilled, she hated it when there were no other adults who spoke her language on the property, when Edward was away.

Her second pregnancy was unplanned, there was no way Bella wanted to give birth in Africa.

Her first pregnancy had been planned to the last degree.

She wanted a baby born early in the year and she had conceived the very first month of trying, so she got her wish.

She wanted a daughter, and that's what she got.

Edward had never had a preference, but the moment he held Lissette, new and mucky and barely separated from Bella, he had fallen in love again.

Something that shocked him.

He knew he was supposed to love his child but the feelings had been overwhelming, and like Bella, suddenly he knew why he had been put on this earth.

To create this child.

He had been high for days, he had called everyone he ever knew, all his old schoolmates, people who had to even stop and think "Edward Cullen? Oh, the tall, thinner one of the brothers, the one with the auburn hair."

He wanted the world to know the most perfect child ever was here, on earth, and he fathered her.

He had Esme in photographing the newborn before she had her first bath. In fact, he had a video of that event. He had been inseparable from her, and he woke each morning full of joy and anticipation and when she turned three, he felt it was time to complete his dream life and take his family to Africa.

Bella had agreed, to try, just to try, if she hated it, he had to bring them back.

One year had been the promise, if at one year to the day after she crossed the threshold of their house by the river, she wanted to go back, he would take them, no questions, no arguments, much as he would want to stay.

Bella had just started to enjoy their new life there when she discovered she was pregnant.

Neither had actually particularly wanted a second child, their first being so perfect, but Edward was soon delighted and eager to do it all again, and Bella was still more reluctant, mainly because she was afraid to have a baby there in the wild outback.

It was Esme and Carlisle's decision to move in and live with them that cemented everything for Bella.

Now she would feel safe and the baby would have it's own doctor, under the same roof. They could do this.

So, it seemed Edward's most dear wish was to come true, his family was to live in the place he considered so close to Heaven he could almost reach up into the sky and touch God.

Emmett and Rose promised to visit at least three times a year, Alice and Jasper had no baby plans back then, so they were frequent visitors, having money and time and flexible careers. Alice could do her clothing designs anywhere, Jasper had inherited a lot of money from his father, who had left everything to the son he deserted at age four, so Jasper was still just playing around, doing gigs with his band, trying to find a career he liked, no pressure with the million dollars in the bank.

So, Edward's parents went home to pack and shut the big house and arrange a caretaker, and have their favorite bits of furniture shipped over to Africa, and while they were gone, everything went bad.

Edward had started a new enterprise and spent three days a week away from the house, just in the initial setting up stages. Bella hated his absence and had argued and fought with him for the first time ever, she didn't feel comfortable with the workers Edward trusted with his life, and theirs.

Then he had to fly across the country for a meeting to set everything in stone.

"It's one night, Bella," he had yelled at her as she stood, thin lipped and angry.

"One fucking night with not a single white person near enough to call on if I need help," she countered.

"Bella, when are you going to learn to trust my judgement, just because our staff are of another race, doesn't mean you can't trust them? You like Benny, and Joe, what's your problem?"

"I just don't feel safe. I can't explain it any other way."

She had sunk down onto the bed as he packed a small overnight bag.

"Okay, but I promise nothing will happen and I will be home tomorrow night. And the next time I have to stay anywhere overnight, I will make sure it happens after Esme and Carlisle have moved in. They will be back in a week, sweetheart. I have to attend this meeting. There is no other choice."

She had nodded her head but the tears on her cheeks told him, she didn't like it.

She locked the doors behind him when he left and he sighed. He knew she would not put a nose outside or let anyone in until he got back.

He had kissed their daughter and promised to bring her something nice back. Bella had glared when he suggested maybe she would like something nice as well, did she have anything in mind?

"I want my fucking husband to not leave us alone, how about that, Edward?"

So, thats how it was, she was angry, and upset, Lissette had picked up on her mood and was standing with her arms tightly around Bella's knees, hidden from her mother's sight by the belly full of child, and that was the last time he saw his daughter alive, her lower lip trembling as Bella shut and locked the door.

No usual sendoff, no girls waving him goodbye, telling him to have a safe trip, and come home safe and sound to them.

There had been no warning, no sign of what that night would bring.

Bella had put her daughter into their bed, on his empty side, and sat up reading, unable to sleep. Every sound made her straighten up and worry, wonder what made that crack, what was prowling out there? But she didn't leave the bed until the child had suddenly vomited, and she had rushed to lift her.

Lissette was hot, breathing laboriously, so Bella stripped her clothes away and screamed at the sight of the purple and red bruise like, rash that covered the child's torso, hidden before under the long white gown.

She had panicked and called the nearest hospital, which was far too distant and by the time the ambulance arrived, Bella was sitting on the floor with the dead child in her arms.

She refused to hand her over, and the paramedic had sedated her to lift the little girl away.

Meningococcal, a rare but deadly virus had taken their daughter so fast nothing would have saved her anyway.

Bella had been sedated when Edward got back, called by the hospital and informed of Lissette's sudden death.

He had been shocked, unable to function. Emmett caught the first flight out, Carlisle and Esme followed just hours later, unable to secure tickets on the same flight. They arrived at the airport just minutes after their son had flown out, and sat and waited until the next plane six hours later.

Emmett had marched into the airport and offered a waiting passenger whatever price he wanted for his ticket and the man had given it to him freely when Emmett explained why he needed it.

Carlisle had not thought to do the same, he was so broken by the news.

Emmett arrived at the hospital just after Edward, and found his brother crying at the bedside of his hugely pregnant wife.

She was supposedly conscious but it was hard to tell, she didn't move or speak or look at anyone.

Emmett took them home and Bella lay in their bed and refused to even drink water.

Carlisle was on the way, Edward thought it would be okay, his father would know what to do.

The stillbirth was unexplained but Bella knew she had willed the baby to die.

She didn't want him, he couldn't replace Lissette.

When the pains had started, she hadn't even called out to Edward, she had lay there and let the process happen, with no help. He had checked on her and she had said nothing, yet she must have known she was in labor.

When she started screaming, it was much too late and Edward had been forced to deliver his own child, months early.

Emmett had gone for help, but it was pointless, way too late and the boy had never breathed.

One night, one single fucking night and everything had changed.

Heaven to Hell, in one night.

Bella had refused to go into the hospital again so Carlisle looked after her and Esme was too broken to even help.

Edward had been so scared, his mother had always made things better, yet she just sat outside and stared at nothing.

Carlisle did everything for Bella, washed her, fed her, changed her clothing. She didn't care, had Jack the Ripper offered his services as nurse, she would have welcomed him to come do what he wanted.

The house was silent. Emmett had stayed for two weeks before flying home again.

By then, their lives were set.

Bella ate and drank like a person on auto pilot.

Edward drank, but rarely anything without an alcoholic base, Esme sat and stared, and held the last photos of Lissette in her hand.

The boy had never been photographed, nobody even remembered what he looked like.

Edward saw him in his nightmares, small, bloody, not moving.

His parents took Bella back with them and she lived in their new house while he did what had to be done. They couldn't face the memories yet the old house held, so Carlisle bought the first house the realtor offered, new, fully furnished, ready to occupy.

Edward scattered the ashes of his children in the flower garden of the big house, where he and Emmett grew up.

He drank and slept in his childhood bed, and Rose fed him and Emmett held the business together.

Who knows how long they would have gone on like this, had Carlisle not come and spoken to him that day?

"Edward, you have lost a lot, I know that, son. We all grieve for Lissette and the baby, but it has been a year and if you intend living, you need to start doing things again. Bella needs you, even if she doesn't know it. You have to hold it together. Or let her go. What do you intend doing, son?"

Edward had blinked and looked at his father.

Was Carlisle always gray? His hair used to be blond, didn't it? His skintone used to be normal, pinkish. Now he was gray, all gray. How odd.

xxx

Jasper and Alice took him out, to look at houses.

Nice modern, sterile, cold houses.

Smart apartments with spa baths and roof gardens.

He didn't like the city, too many small, crying children.

He found the little village off the road to the small town himself, one day when he was driving around aimlessly. He had been at work but had somehow ended up out here, in his car.

The house stood at the end of a lane.

It was old, faded, needed work.

There was nothing about it he liked, the furniture was deplorable, the decor tired and spoiled by time.

It was perfect.

They didn't deserve a nice house, they deserved something just like this.

Something nobody else wanted.

Something sad and used up and dead.

The realtor had been so very keen to have him sign on the dotted line, he lowered the price every sentence. The owner was a city girl who had inherited the house from her gran and had no interest in it at all, just wanted some money, whatever the realtor could get. Three years and nobody had even asked to look at it. The For Sale sign on the front garden path was almost worn blank by weather.

Edward moved in the day the sale was completed and a week later, he drove to his parents newish house and collected the shell that used to be Bella, and took her to their new home.

She hadn't reacted at all, hadn't spoken, hadn't yelled and asked him why this hovel?

She knew, she understood, this was all people like them deserved.

So, she sat on her new but old bed in her new but old bedroom and looked outside, unseeing.

Edward forced her to come out of her bedroom to eat at the table in the kitchen.

She ate, she drank. She sat.

Finally he shook her by the shoulders and told her it was her job to clean, so she cleaned.

Twice a day, for five years, she cleaned the house from top to bottom, and ended her chores by repolishing the ornaments again.

She avoided his room, never opened his door, her cleaning ended outside, in the hallway.

Now things were changing.

It must be for the better, Edward reasoned, because things could not have gotten worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**After this chapter, even I'm ready for happy!**

Unforgiven

Chapter 4

The Suicidal Sofa

Carlisle looked up and sighed in relief. He had been waiting for this visit for years now.

"Come in, Edward. Sit down."

"You know why I am here?" asked his son.

"Let me guess. You want to know why your children died? Am I right?"

"Partly. Yes."

Carlisle took out the file he had kept for nearly six years.

"Do you want to read the autopsy reports, they can be hard to read and hard to understand for a layman? Or shall I explain?"

"Explain," his son answered, leaning back away as if the file could hurt him physically somehow.

"Lissette caught a virus, meninococcal,very hard to diagnose, harder still to treat. Sometimes if you move very fast, and treat with the right antibiotics, the patient will survive, but they may remain susceptible to another attack, at a higher risk than the general population. It can hit anyone of any age. It mainly seems to affect toddlers and young adults, statistically but as it is passed by saliva, maybe that is because toddlers mouth objects other toddlers have already mouthed, and young adults kiss and share drinks, and tastes of food in restaurants, so it may simply occur more with them for those reasons.

Sometimes sufferers come through damaged, sometimes limbs have to be amputated, often multiple limbs. Finger tips, lower legs at best."

"Could she have been saved?"

"Are you asking me if you had stayed home that night, would she be alive today?"

"Yes," Edward said shortly.

"Tell me this, had you not gone, what would you have done?"

"The usual. Bathe her, put her to bed, check on her maybe twice in the night."

"Bella bathed her and she didn't have any sign of the rash. She said Lissette had a slight sniffle, had started having a runny nose several hours before you left, no high temperature. Would you have rushed her to the hospital with the sniffles?"

"No, obviously not."

"Then she would have died had you been there. Had I been there, I probably would have told Bella to watch her temperature, that's all. Lissette had the sniffles multiple times in her four years here on earth. Every other time it meant she had a slight cold, a harmless virus, she fought it off herself. So, you are not to blame in any way, shape or form. Even if I had been there, and taken her to hospital when she vomited, the first sign something was wrong, she would have been dead before we arrived. Doctors do not routinely carry the only specific drug suitable in their bags. The notification that batch of vaccine Lissette was inoculated with was faulty was on my desk the day we returned back home. You did all you could to keep her safe."

"The boy," said Edward.

"No specific cause of death. Basically he didn't breathe. Incompatible with life is the term. Unable to survive outside the womb. Babies are virtual parasites inside the uterus, they take what they need from the mother and give her the waste in return. She nourishes them, gives them the best of everything her body has, and she uses the leftovers. Thus anemia, etc.

Some babies are simply not meant to live, sadly, son. Some babies die."

"Would he have lived if Bella had told me she was in labour and we got to the hospital before delivery?"

"No, Edward. Not even in our best neonatal unit. We would have put him on life support, made his body function, but without brain activity, it would have then meant you would have had to decide when to turn it off and let him go. Edward, Bella was not of clear mind that night. Her daughter died in her arms, she had nobody to turn to, she was sedated and then released from hospital far sooner than I would have let her leave. I would have insisted she stayed several days, and the shock alone probably brought on the labor. The state her thinking would have been in, she could not have made any legal decision, therefore she wasn't capable of making a rational choice when she did realize the baby was coming. The outcome was doomed anyway. Don't blame her for something she was in no state to handle. We weren't in her shoes, we don't know what we would have done. She may have been in too much emotional pain to even notice the physical pain."

"She was pretty out of it, she didn't answer anything I asked and she just lay there and let me pull him out of her. She wasn't pushing or anything, just laying there, staring at the ceiling."

"God, Edward, this breaks my heart. Your children were not the only casualties that night."

"So, neither could have survived?"

"No, Edward. I'm sorry."

"Did they have some problem genetically?"

"No. Lissette was a normal, healthy child who was in the best condition until the virus struck. The boy was never meant to be. Normally a miscarriage would have occurred early on and you would have never known why. We still don't know why some doomed babies hang on so long, sometimes even until birth at full term."

"What would happen if we had another baby?"

Carlisle sat up straighter, a smile forcing itself onto his lips.

"Is Bella pregnant?" he asked hopefully.

"No. I mean, I don't think so."

"There's a chance?" Carlisle persisted.

"Bella slept in my bed last night and we had sex for the first time since the children died."

His father didn't look as shocked as Edward expected.

"Edward, you both lost two children, it is not that unusual. It's a good sign that she has turned to you again. Making love..."

"I don't think what we did was making love. It was sex, fucking."

"Okay, but it takes time. It's a step in the right direction, don't you think?"

Edward stood and walked to the window and gazed outside.

"I hope so. Bella was different. I know we are all used to Zombie Bella, she seems to have left the building, thank God. But this doesn't seem to be the old Bella, my Bella, either."

"I think the old Bella is dead, Edward. Like the old Edward. There's only so much a person can endure before they are changed forever."

"So, I can never get her back? My Bella?"

"Maybe not, but there could be a new Bella. Did she seem stronger?"

"Definitely. Determined, maybe territorial, she thought I was sleeping with Tanya and she was mad about it."

"Were you?"

"I didn't have an erection until a year ago."

"Not unusual after such a tragedy. Some men turn into frantic, desperate machines and try to find comfort in sex, with their partner or anyone handy, some men cease to be sexual creatures for a time, often years. How have you been satisfying yourself this last year? Tanya?"

"You know I don't ever rush into anything, Dad."

"No, you think and rethink and consider it from every angle."

"I had planned to take her to dinner tonight, I have reservations, then go back to her place."

"You haven't slept with her before?"

"Nope."

"Have you slept with anyone else?"

"Nope."

"Edward, you have more self control than any man I have ever met."

"Really? Maybe I just didn't care until recently. Sex was something so far down my list of things I wanted, I only just got to it."

"That's normal and understandable."

"I wanted my daughter back, then I wanted my son, a chance to know him, then I wanted my wife back. They were the three top things. Two impossible, unattainable, the third seemed almost as unlikely until now."

"Never give up, Edward."

"I wanted a normal life, a normal wife, so sex was there, number five."

"How do you feel now you have that back at least? Did Bella indicate it was a one time thing?"

"Not at all, she told me, quote, "we can fuck, just knock on my door" so it seems it was not a one night only special offer."

"How was she this morning?"

"When I left, she was laying on the tiled floor in the bathroom, having spent an hour throwing up single malt whisky from the night before. She was alert and talking normally, I think she may have had a monster headache. She wanted to be left alone to suffer for her sins. She and Alice tied one on. Jasper came and got Ali, she seemed okay, just drunk. I met Ashley."

Carlisle smiled.

"Ashley is a blessing. She gave your mother a reason to smile, I don't think she had smiled since that night in Africa."

"I'm glad she has Ashley, then."

"How was it, how close were you to her? Did you hold her?"

"She was in her carseat. I opened the door and she tried to bite my finger and she grabbed for my hair."

"Were you okay with that?"

"Sure."

He walked across the room and sat down again.

"She called me Dadda. I know it didn't mean anything to her but it cut me like a knife."

"I'm sorry, Edward. Like you realize, she didn't mean anything by it."

"Nobody has called me that for six years."

"Do you want another child?"

"I don't know. Another child, another risk to face it's loss. It would kill Bella."

"All life is a risk, that is for certain. I'm glad we had Lissette while we did, even though her passing almost killed the woman I love most in the world."

"Mom?"

"She stole some pills from my bag. I caught her, fortunately. She almost tried to kill herself, Edward."

"When?"

"When Bella left to live with you. While Bella was there, Esme had someone to look after and care for, when you took Bella home, she felt like she lost Lissette again. She couldn't cope."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Edward, you were on the knife edge yourself, we didn't know which way you were going to fall. Bella was virtually dead, she never spoke, she rarely moved, she just sat wherever we put her. You know how she was. Esme was necessary, to keep Bella alive."

"How is Mom, now?"

"A different woman. She never recovered completely from the loss of our first son, Edward, to be honest. You saved her, when you were conceived, she came back to life. Then Emmett then Alice. We never expected to have to face another loss, once seemed more than our share. Then we lost our granddaughter and grandson. It was Ashley's birth that pulled us back from the brink."

"Do you think Bella has stepped back from the brink?" asked Edward, standing again, unable to keep still.

"Maybe. I will tell you more when we visit. Are you staying tonight?"

"No, I have to go home. Bella thinks, assumes, I am at work." He walked to the door and opened it.

"I know you named your son after your brother,"said Carlisle quietly.

Edward nodded, and walked out, pulling the door shut behind him.

xxx xxx xxx

"Bella," moaned Alice, dropping into a chair, sunglasses still on her eyes.

"Shhhhh" pleaded Bella.

"What were we thinking?" whispered Alice.

"I was thinking, death was preferable to life, now I know I was right. I would pay money to be dead now."

"I would double what you are offering. I am never drinking again," swore Alice.

"I agree, either that, or we promise to never let each other ever sober up again. Can you put alcohol through a drip? So you get a constant hit and never have a hangover?" asked Bella.

"I think if that was possible, kits like that would be available commercially."

"You have been drunk before,what's the best hangover cure?" Bella asked.

"Jaz says if you drink a glass of water between drinks, it helps."

"Too late for that one, then."

"Yeah. I wish I had thought of it last night."

"So do I."

"I did sleep well. Like a log. Mind you, it was confusing waking up in our bed, I don't have any memory of getting taken home. Jaz said I was out of it when he and Edward carried me to the car. Was Edward mad about his scotch?"

"I have no idea."

"Bella, you did speak to him this morning? Surely he had something to say about you sleeping on the floor here?"

"He apparently carried me to bed."

Alice giggled.

"That must have been a little uncomfortable, no mattress and all."

"His bed, not mine," corrected Bella.

"Fuck, pity you were drunk, you might have gotten some action. If Edward remembers what to do."

"He does," replied Bella.

Alice sat forward.

"You and Edward did the wild thing last night? While you were drunk?"

"This morning but I was possibly still maybe a third drunk," admitted Bella.

"So, how was it? Long time, no fuck?"

"Pretty much. Very long time. He said he hasn't fucked Tanya. I think I believe him. Should I?"

"From what Jasper and Emmett said this morning, and I shamelessly listened in to on the bedroom extension, you may have just stepped in at the right moment. Edward had plans for tonight, dinner reservations. For two. One human and one skank. I expect he thought he had to feed her so she wouldn't snap in half. Someone has to tell that female barracuda that food is readily available in this town. He was about to give up, give in, go elsewhere for relief. I think he was convinced you would never touch him again and he did wait six years, to be fair. Most wouldn't. He loves you, Bella."

"He also hates me so I guess one cancels out the other. I wish he liked me," she said.

"How do you feel about him?" Alice questioned her friend.

"Mixed up, confused. I think we are both still so lost, but at least now we are stumbling around in the fog, not just curling up and laying there."

"What's your happiest memory of you and Edward?"

"So many. The first time he kissed me. He was so nervous. He had no idea you and I had discussed the subject endlessly and all but laid bets on when and where it would happen. He seemed to think I may not want him to do it. Silly boy."

"You wanted him to do more than kiss you. I remember, you were sneaking out and buying black lace knickers, I remember that day in gym when you were getting changed and we girls saw your naughty knickers."

"I was hardly going to get his hand inside those damn sensible cotton ones Charlie bought me. They were like Fort Knox, impenetrable."

"I must buy some for Ashley when she gets older."

"Good idea, Alice, they worked so well for me. She will probably go commando instead of buying lace panties."

"Don't judge my daughter by yourself, you were a tart when it came to Edward."

"Oh excuse me, Miss Innocence. I believe we had our cherries popped the same night, at least I was legal! You were ten months younger than legal."

"There were mitigating circumstances. I had the bedroom next to Emmett, I grew up listening to him tapping Rosalie when they were like, fourteen or something."

"Monkey hear, monkey do?" suggested Bella.

"You bet, Jasper and I had lot's of hot monkey sex back in High School. I loved his mother."

"She was either drunk or never home," stated Bella, confused.

"Exactly. So handy when your boyfriends mother has no idea you are sleeping in her son's bed. Anyway, if I hadn't grabbed Jaz and taken him to the Holy land, you know some skank would have. All the girls loved Jasper at High School. Remember Lauren?"

"I remember Lauren. I also remember the black eye you gave her. Little pixie my ass, you were a wild crazy bitch."

"Only to anyone who tried to touch what was mine. Jasper was always mine, I knew I would marry him from when I was five. I remember the first day he came to our house, to play some stupid boys game with Edward."

"I bet you dragged him off for a game of doctors and nurses."

"Not until he was, oooh, twelve or thirteen. As soon as he had that growth spurt and stopped being gangly and turned into hot."

"And you call me a tart. You were precocious."

"I just knew what I wanted from a very early age and took it. It's funny, none of the boys ever dated around. We grabbed them all before they were even available. No crying because they were out dating other girls. We had them locked in their ball and chains from day one. I do not believe any of the three even kissed other girls."

"Well, I certainly have never kissed any girl but you," drawled Jasper, walking inside, baby on hip.

"I have a gig, and you need to look after the munckin. Hi Bella, how's the head?"

Bella groaned and flopped back onto the sofa.

"Fuck, we need a new sofa. Do you think I could find a trashcan big enough to stuff this in?"

"We could drag it outside and burn it. Hello, Ashley, is naughty Daddy going off to a smoky club and leaving us all alone? You can't count Bella, she is cranky and hungover. And if your first proper sentence is 'fuck we need a new sofa' I shall kick her ass," she trilled.

"Later, Baby. Be good, babygirl, don't go screaming your head off and give the naughty ladies a bad headache, okay? Oops, too late, they already have one."

Jasper kissed the three females and left.

"So, this is Ashley. What do you think?" asked the proud mother.

"Beautiful. Perfect. Worth the wait. Poor you, having to have all that sex to get pregnant. Must have been such a drag, with such an ugly husband."

"We do what we have to. I have to say, I had kind of mixed feelings when the stick turned smiley. I was enjoying the journey. But the destination made it perfect," she smiled and lifted the baby to kiss.

"Can I hold her? I swear I am no longer a container of alcohol. That would be my toilet."

"Oh, did you hurl? That should help, in theory. Did you feel any better after?"

"Maybe, my head was pounding so hard it wasn't an easy call. Let me sit on the floor so I don't drop her."

Alice handed her daughter over and looked through the babybag Jaz had left.

"I swear, she could be marooned on a island for a month with what he packs everytime we step out the door. Look, four changes of clothes. When she turns out to be even more of a clothes junkie than her mother, remember it was Jasper's doing. I bet she will be one of those girls who takes two outfits to school so she can keep changing her look."

Bella was sitting silently, holding the child and smiling.

"Alice, would it be completely insane of me to want another one of these myself? I know the risks, I know they can disappear overnight, but I think I want to try again. Surely we would be allowed to keep the next one?"

"If there is a God, surely that would be true. Anything else would be way too cruel."

"I don't think Edward would trust me to keep one safe again."

"Bella, none of what happened was your fault. Believe me, I asked Carlisle years ago. In case we had some family genetic thing. It was just bad luck."

"Really? Trust me to attract bad luck."

"Maybe it's your turn for some good luck. Did you and Edward use something? A condom?"

Bella blanched.

"Take her, quick, I think I'm going to be sick."

Alice grabbed Ashley and Bella bolted for the downstairs loo and threw up again.

"Are you okay? Was it still the alcohol or what?" she called out as her friend walked back into the room, wet towel on her forehead.

"Fear, pure, naked unadulterated fear. Edward and I have had sex without condoms exactly ten times and at the end of those five days, I was pregnant with Lissette. The other baby we were actually using condoms and he just figured a way through anyway. Not that it did him any good."

"Why do you call him 'the other baby'? He must have had to be named."

"Edward named him. He has never told me the name he chose," she said, tears falling unnoticed.

Alice sat Ashley on the carpet and pulled her friend into her arms.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. Ask him."

"Ask him? What, have a real conversation with Edward? We don't do that."

"Then it's time you did."

She helped Alice strap the baby into the yellow Porsche still sitting in the driveway and waved as they drove away.

A real conversation with Edward? What a novel idea.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward arrived home later than he expected, and found his wife asleep in his bed. He glanced out the window and frowned, walking downstairs again. The sitting room and dining room were bare. Out in the yard were the embers of a bonfire, and the remains of the missing furniture glowed with red ash.

It seemed Bella wanted to redecorate the entire house.

Edward lit a cigarette. His cellphone buzzed and he answered automatically.

"Eddie, I thought you and I were going out to dinner. I have been sitting here all alone waiting for you. I missed you today, you didn't come in to work."

"Shit. Tanya. I forgot. Sorry, change of plans. I believe you got a promotion of some sort and have to transfer to the Chicago office. No point in us starting anything, you need collect your ticket at the Continental Airways terminal. I booked it for you, it's paid for, just catch the 2.30 flight tomorrow afternoon."

"But Tanya doesn't want to go to the Chicago office. Tanya likes it here, with Eddie."

"I think Tanya will love Chicago. The CEO, Aro, is single and so is his second-in-charge, Marcus. And there is a really hot accountant as well Caius, you will have a ball. I'm trying to work things out with my wife, Tanya. I'm sorry for raising your hopes that there could be anything between us."

"So, where's this Chicago office?" she asked.

"Chicago, Tanya. Chicago, Illinois."

"Oh, makes sense. I had better pack. Do they wear underclothing there?"

"Strictly optional, Tanya."

"Good," she purred and hung up.

One problem solved.

If only the woman in his bed could be pleased so easily.

Edward sucked deeply on his cigarette and wondered what the best thing to do was. Sleeping on the sofa was out.

He wasn't sure if mindless fucking was the way back, though.

He wanted the connection back, the feelings. He wanted Bella to want him, all of him, not just parts. Maybe he was insane, maybe he should be taking what she offered and be grateful.

He threw the butt into the dying fire and kicked some dirt over the glowing embers. The metal parts of the furniture were blackened and twisted.

Some sort of metaphor there, he laughed.

He walked the boundaries and looked at the trees at the bottom of the yard. It was a large block, and as he walked through the tress, he stopped and gasped in the moonlight.

He had never walked the propertyline before, never cared.

There revealed in the moonlight was meadow, with an almost perfect circle of wildflowers, surrounded by tall trees.

They owned this little piece of Paradise.

A tiny brook bubbled and ran in the back corner and he wondered how deep the pool in the rocks was. Maybe deep enough to swim in.

This made the awful house so worth buying. The realtor had told him what a good buy he had made, he had dismissed it as sales talk.

He turned and walked back inside.

"Bella."

He shook her gently by the shoulder.

"Edward," she groaned.

"Come with me, outside. I want to show you something."

"The furniture burned itself, the chairs had been feeling depressed and they threw themselves on the bonfire," she murmured.

"Bella."

He scooped her into his arms and carried her downstairs, across the yard, through the trees and put her feet on the ground.

Bella looked startled, and walked around the perimeter, breaking into a dance, her arms held open wide, twirling around, her nightgown swirling around her legs.

"Edward, it's beautiful."

"Beautiful," he echoed, watching the moonlight strike and highlight the only woman he had ever loved.

She approached him and he watched her warily.

"Edward, what did you name him?" she asked.

"Michael Carlisle Cullen," he replied.

"After your brother."

He nodded.

"I'm glad, he deserved a name with meaning."

She started walking towards the house, so he caught up with her and helped her through the trees, lifting her over the roots that sat on the surface, trying to trip her up.

She stopped at the bonfire, but was looking at the house.

"Maybe we should erase it completely, start again from scratch, rather than try to paper over the cracks."

"Maybe that would be best," he agreed.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward lay beside Bella and listened as she spoke. The nightlight threw it's shapes onto the ceiling and allowed him to see her face in the darkness.

"I would love to live in a cottage, like you see on chocolate boxes, like from a little English village. Stone walls, thatched roof, what do you think?"

"I think it sounds nice. Different."

"We could still have all mod cons, just have it built so it looks like it was always here, from the outside. No aluminium window frames."

"No. Make sure it's all in keeping with the design. How many bedrooms?"

Bella paused.

"Maybe three upstairs and a couple of guestrooms downstairs?"

"Sounds good. What colors do you want the walls painted?"

"Our room? Maybe just white so we can decorate however we like."

His heart missed a beat, at 'our room'.

"Good idea," he managed to say.

"Then maybe a pale blue room and a pale pink room."

"Sounds pretty," he commented.

"Edward, do you think we will ever get to the point where we could maybe have another baby?" she asked quietly.

He breathed out slowly.

"I hope so, Bella. I really do."

"I still miss her so much. And we never even got to hold him. Michael."

"I held him, Bella. I held him for both of us."

"Did you kiss him, Edward?"

"Of course I did. For me, for you, for Lissy."

"Do you think he knew we did love him, it was just a bad night to be born?"

"It was the worst night, love. I'm sure he knew we loved him and wanted him."

"At least we know Lissy would look after him."

"She would. She still is."

Bella rolled over but kept her back firmly pressed against his all night, and it was enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Unforgiven

Chapter 5

_If I lay here_

_if I just lay here_

_would you lie with me_

_and just forget the world?_

Reawakenings

When Edward woke, Bella was laying beside him still, watching his face.

"What?" he asked gently.

"Nothing. I don't think we should be fucking just yet. Is that okay? If you are going to fuck Tanya if we don't have sex, then we should keep it up, but it seems kind of empty at the moment. I do want us to get fixed, Edward, I just don't know how."

"I know, love. I want us to get back what we had as well. I promise, I won't touch Tanya or anyone else. I will wait."

"Are you sure? I know you went to dinner with her last night, Alice told me."

Edward leaned up on one elbow and watched the tears fall down her cheeks, though she didn't seem to know she was crying.

"I did have reservations. I didn't go, I stood her up. I forgot. It's true, I was going to take her out and go back to her bed, Bella. I am ashamed to admit that but you never even talk to me any more. I say something to you and you look so angry and distant, I fear you will never like me again. I know everything was my fault, I should never have taken you to Africa, I should have stayed home that night, at least we would have lost her together."

"What do you mean?"

"Carlisle told me there was no hope of saving Lissy once she vomited and the rash appeared. It was too late."

"So, if I had called the ambulance earlier, she would have lived?" she cried.

"No, no, you would not have known to call an ambulance, she seemed well, it can hit like that, even sometimes kids in hospital die before the antibiotics kick in, Bella, there was no chance for her. We did nothing wrong, it is just a terrible disease. We were not at fault at all, neither of us."

"But I let the baby die," she sobbed.

"You had nothing to do with his death. He was probably dead before you even went into labor, love. He wasn't well, he didn't have a chance."

"So, we can't have another baby then?" she cried.

"We can go to find out our chances and get another opinion but Carlisle says our genes are good. Michael was not able to live independently, and Lissy got sick from a virus. Neither were genetic. Their deaths don't indicate another baby would die, too. It could, any baby could, but it could be okay. It's most likely to be fine."

"Edward, if we had another baby and it died..."

"Shhh. I know you would. You know I would."

She nodded.

I opened my arms and she crept inside them.

"Just lie here with me, Bella, we just need to allow ourselves to need one another. Nobody else feels the way we do, about our children, about their loss, about everything we lost. I think we lost ourselves as well as each other. I want us back, I could never feel about anyone else like I felt about you and I want to feel that again. I remember how we felt and it is what keeps me going, love. Knowing if it was like that once, it could be again. I miss you so much I ache, all day, all night, I ache. My arms are empty and only you can fill them. We are all we have, Bella. If we let us go, there is nothing."

"I know that. I don't blame you really, Edward. I blame myself, it was necessary to blame someone and you were easier to blame than me. It's just become habit. I am letting it go, I know it was never what you wanted, you loved us all, all three. You loved Lissy with all your heart and soul and you would do anything to have her back. I do know that. I'm sorry for making you feel it was your fault. I was cruel."

"As I was to you. I don't even understand why we blamed each other and didn't pull together. We are all there is, for us. It makes sense to hold on and rebuild our love and trust and try to be us again. Maybe if we agree from now on, to be kind to one another, and just be there for each other, things may change?"

"I hope so Edward. I am tired of being empty."

"Me too, love, me too. We are her parents, still, the only way we still have her is if we have us."

It was too soon to expect her to allow me to kiss her, but I kissed the top of her head softly, and she didn't protest.

I felt different, I felt a feeling of hope rising in my chest. Even if we only got half of what we felt before back, it would be enough. I just need to look into her eyes and see something positive again. Even just acceptance. Hope, hope would be amazing.

xxx xxx xxx

"He comes highly recommended and I am sure Edward will be happy you are seeking out more counselling, Bella. I have made your first appointment, all you need to do is turn up," Carlisle said.

"I already have my therapist but I can't confide in her like I should. I know she can't disclose anything to Edward without my say so but I still feel like she is working for him, not for me. I need a change. I will try him out, what's his name?"

"Jacob Black. He is kind of unorthodox but everyone seems to think he gets the job done and in a way his patients enjoy, they open up to him quickly and don't go through the usual months of ice breaking usually needed. He will be there for you, sweetheart."

Jacob.

It seemed like Fate.

I had always had that name in my head. Had our son lived, and been born before Lissy died, I would have asked Edward to let me name him Jacob.

"Okay, thanks, Carlisle. I will go today and let you know what I think of him. Hi to Esme, see you both soon."

"Bye, Bella."

I dropped my towel and rummaged through my closet ,looking for something to wear. I didn't want to look unapproachable, or flirtatious, those days were long gone, I never tried to impress any male these days. Accept me as I am, a broken mess, and don't complain you didn't know that from the get go. I don't make any attempt to disguise what I am.

Edward tapped on my door.

"Come in," I called, reaching for a plain, sensible skirt. I could wear something with color with it, maybe red? I have that red blouse somewhere.

I turned when my husband failed to speak.

Edward stood there, looking at my nakedness. I was so used to being alone, nobody ever coming into this bedroom but me, I hadn't thought.

"I was looking for my red blouse," I said, like a moron.

Edward swallowed.

"Yes, red blouse."

His fingers were running through his air and he turned to leave, but looked back again, his voice thick.

"Sorry."

He was gone, whatever he intended saying unspoken. I heard the front door close and his car leave.

Damn, I had been going to ask him to take me into town with him on his way to work. Now I was stuck here and I had that appointment at eleven.

I opened the window to air the room but closed it again when the chill invaded and hit like a wave.

God, it was freezing. The sky was gray and heavy and I changed my mind and grabbed my thickest jeans and a thin sweater then a thicker sweater, and my jacket. Fashion has no place in Winter, I don't give a crap what Jacob Black thinks of me. First impressions, dowdy housewife, whatever.

I sorted through my shoe cupboard and tossed out several pairs of old Chucks I never wore any more and looked for my boots. Edward had bought me a pair of sheepskin lined leather boots for Winter, but I had refused to wear them , on principal, because he chose them. I could see now just how closed off I had been, what a bitch I had evolved into over the years.

There really was no reason I should be surprised or upset he had been about to turn to Tanya, most men would have done that years ago.

He may have had problems seeing me and knowing I still existed but I had always watched him, and been aware. He didn't even seem to think about sex until recently. He was so torn and broken, until maybe this last year, I think he forgot anything more advanced than just breathing and eating. He had consumed a lot of alcohol at first but even that lost it's appeal over time.

I had seen the changes happen as he thawed out, like some long frozen specimen who started to feel the sun again.

I had seen his face start to change expressions, like he was thinking and considering things, not just waiting to die, like I had been.

Had been.

Did I just think that?

Was it over? Was I choosing life?

Maybe if life showed me there was a single reason to go on, I could try harder.

I wasn't sure if Edward could be my reason.

We had fucked, we had spoken, we had said we were sorry.

Was that a foundation, I wondered.

Could we build on it?

Did we even want to?

I dressed hurriedly and pulled on a pair of vinyl imitation leather brown boots, worn and tatty but I was about to hike over five miles into town. I didn't want to spoil my favorite knee high black leather boots and I have no idea where the new ones from Edward are. Maybe I binned them?

Maybe I threw them at him?

I have no idea, much of the past few years is a blank.

I sighed as I grabbed my bag and headed outside, locking up behind me.

So funny when you think about it, because who would look at this house and think it held anything worth stealing?

It was quicker to go away from the road and walk through the forest, so I took that option and headed towards town. My iPod kept me company and I even started to sing aloud with some of the happier songs. Alice bought me this for a birthday, sometime. I rarely used it but today seemed like a day that needed music.

She had filled it mainly with bands I had never bothered listening to, but they were all upbeat and catchy, so I soon caught on to the chorus's, most songs are pretty basic and repetitious, I almost did believe 'a kiss with a fist was better than none' by the fifth time it played in my ears.

The singer certainly sang with a passion I missed in my own life.

I sat on a broken tree to drink from the bottle of water in my bag and looked about. It was easy to walk anywhere here, the town was small and the way to it obvious, no chance of wandering off lost for days. Not unless you were really determined to.

I had never tried that option, the forest was usually a friendly, welcoming place but the clouds were obliterating the sunlight and it started to look a little hostile.

Maybe I was becoming agoraphobic, I rarely left the house. Maybe I only felt safe inside it's walls.

I was really keeping up a fast pace by the time I reached the outskirts of town. My body felt different, almost invigorated.

The receptionist looked me over, probably assuming someone like me couldn't afford the fees. I informed her that all billing was to go to Cullen Enterprises and she immediately changed her attitude, and even offered me coffee, which I accepted.

It may have been selling out, but I was chilled and thirsty and wouldn't have time for lunch before I walked home. The return trip was bound to take longer. Maybe I should call Alice, she would drive me home.

I walked away and stood in the hall.

"Leave a message and I promise I will get back to you as soon as this sweet babygirl allows me to," chirped my sister-in-laws voice.

She had been my friend a lot longer than she had been that.

"Hi, Alice, it's Bella. Don't faint, I walked into town and wondered if you were available to drive me home in maybe an hour or so? I will have to switch this off for my therapy session but leave me a message. Or just meet me out the front at noon, I'm at the old Saddlery Building, meeting Dr Black for the first time. Presuming he doesn't have me put into a straight jacket and locked away, I should be done in an hour. Cheers."

I walked back inside and sat down.

Robyn, the receptionist, looked up as she replaced her phone.

"Mrs Cullen, Dr Black has been called away on an emergency, would you prefer to reschedule or would you be willing to see his associate, Dr James Nomad? The first session is always just a lot of form filling and such so it would be good to clear it out of the way and you could see Dr Black next week."

I shrugged, I had walked here, may as well get the paperwork over with.

Dr Nomad was charming and led me into his office with no further delay.

"Mrs Cullen, welcome, please sit. Now, first off, do you mind if I record this session, for Dr Black to watch later? Just saves him and I having to have a lot of long conversations and eliminates the chance I will forget something pertinent."

"Fine, but call me Bella, everyone does."

"Then you must call me James."

"Hello, James," I replied, determined to at least act like a normal person.

"So, I know the basics, I know you and your husband suffered two very traumatic losses and you have been in therapy for five years now. What are you hoping to achieve by changing therapists and coming here instead?"

"I think mainly I need someone fresh, to be unbiased, and also, things are changing and I am not sure what is the right thing to do, and what we should delay and build up slowly."

"Are we talking about sex, here, Bella?" he asked.

I blushed.

"My husband and I had been celibate but a few nights ago, we sort of made love? Had sex? I'm not sure how to label it."

"Did you enjoy it, Bella?," he asked, sitting back, putting his palms together and rubbing his hands lightly against one another.

"On a physical level. It left me feeling a little uneasy though. The connection has been lost a bit, a lot, to be honest. I think I just wanted to make my claim and remind him who he belonged to."

"Oh, was your husband grazing in another paddock?" he asked, suddenly interested.

"No, I don't think so. He said he was almost at that point, where he started sleeping around, but he hadn't done anything yet."

"Do we believe that? How long had it been?"

"Six years," I stated, blushing all shades of red. How much longer it sounds when you say it out loud and don't just let time slip by one day at a time.  
He scoffed.

"Six years? Your husband waited six years for sex to resume? Just let me say that back to you, does it sound as implausible to you as it did to me?" he asked.

"I think I believe him, actually, Edward never lies."

"Everyone lies, Bella. Sometimes we lie by not speaking. Sins of omission. I myself find it very hard to believe he waited six years. But let's pretend he did. What are we going to do now?"

"That's what I am here to find out. Do we just fuck and hope it rekindles something? Do we wait, date, resort to petting, what? I don't know what the right thing to do is."

"Let's assume for one moment, your husband has been getting his fill in another paddock, maybe a few other paddocks while he 'waited for you' to be receptive again, how would that affect your decision what to do next?"

"I suppose I would understand why he did that and I would prefer he had been with several women and not just one all this time, because just one would imply a relationship, of some sort."

"Really? Men can have sex with women, a woman, even, for years and never have it mean anything, Bella. You must have found that out when you were a teenager and had sex with boys at school? There must have been many who were just in it for the release, not the conversation afterwards."

He laughed, like nobody bothered to speak after fucking.

"Edward was my first, my only," I replied.

He frowned and leaned over the desk towards me.

"You have only had sex with one man? How extraordinary. I don't think I have ever met anyone who said that to me before."

He grabbed my chart and madly began scribbling notes, no doubt marking me as a freak of some sort.

"Most men, and you may be unaware of this, Bella, seeing you are so woefully inexperienced, turn to sex as a tool to cope with life. It reduces stress, gives us an escape from the bills, the Boss, the hassles of the kids, a daily grind actually is a good way to face the daily grind."

"Okay," I nodded.

"Most men, and I suppose there is a tiny chance your husband is different to every other man on the planet, would have turned to sex for a way to cope with the losses. It's not unusual for men to turn into sex machines, fucking their sorrow and hate out that way. If he didn't use you for this task, is it possible he used someone else? Was he in your bed every night, never late, never 'missing', never some place he didn't explain?"

"We lived apart for a year. I lived with his parents at first and he lived in his childhood home. We didn't even speak for that whole year."

"Well, then that explains it. He used someone else. Don't worry, she is probably history, most of the time the men in question rarely seem to notice her face or her personality, you can be fairly sure he just fucked her , nothing more. So, after the first year?"

"He bought a house and took me there and we have lived together since."

"So, same questions, no nights he neglected to come home?"

"We have separate bedrooms. I don't know, I never actually sat up and waited for him. I heard him come inside if he came home before I fell asleep. I sometimes found meals I had made and left for him, uneaten the next morning."

He wrote again, looking up and raising an eyebrow.

"And now he says he has never been with other women, and you believe this? Is that what I am supposed to understand?"

"I guess. I don't know. Edward never lies."

"Edward may not be the same Edward you remember, Bella. He will have changed, evolved, found a new him to replace the broken version. We all do what we have to, to cope at the time. I am more concerned about your lack of trying to be with anyone than his fucking around. His actions are normal, understandable. Yours, never touching another human for six years? That's what we need to explore. Did you at least have a friend giving you a little release from the stress, maybe with his or her hands?"

I bit my lip and looked at him.

I don't like this conversation at all.

"You know, I think I will wait and see Dr Black when he is available. Thanks."

I was out the door before he could answer but I heard him chuckle.

Robyn was on the phone but I didn't hang around, she could bill Edward, whatever.

I grabbed a bottle of water and marched off towards the path through the woods, my anger and distaste at that encounter firing my feet on.

Was that how all male counsellors worked, because if they did, I will stick with Victoria. She never seems to challenge me at all, but she doesn't tell me Edward is a liar and a cheat. How was any of that even ethical? If I went home and shot him dead, it would be James' fault for filling my head with his opinions. He has never laid eyes on Edward, how does he know what he assumes happened, did? Maybe he judged all men by himself.

I looked up surprised when I realized the white on the ground was snow. I had been so het up, I had barely noticed the flakes as they dropped around me, on me. I shook the snow off my shoulders and head and quickened my pace.

It was almost dark now, despite the time being barely noon. I couldn't wait to be snug inside that damn horrid little house. Suddenly it seemed like a palace, as welcoming as any pretty cottage in the country.

My foot suddenly twisted and I put my hands out to save myself from a face plant.

Ow, ow, ow. I pulled my right boot off and watched as my ankle turned an angry red and purple before my eyes, and it got bigger and more swollen by the minute.

Goddamn it, but at least I had ice. I scraped up a handful of the thickening snow off the ground and packed it on my leg.

I looked around and tried to estimate how far I had walked, how far I had to go? Maybe halfway? The forest looked different again, white, soft, cold.

Maybe I should push on and accept the consequences later? If it was broken I guess walking on it is bad, but sitting here being snowed on can't be good.

I attempted to pull my boot on but my foot was now too wide so I carried it and limped along. The snow fell faster and heavier and soon the pain was replaced by a feeling of complete numbness so it no longer hurt. Maybe I should call Edward just so someone knows where I am.

I really just need to sit down for a while.

Just a few minutes.

That's all.

xxx xxx xxx

EPOV

"Edward, there's a storm warning, you should go home, before the snow gets too deep and you get cut off from your house," Emmett said, poking his head into my office. I looked up in surprise, unaware it was even snowing outside.

As I drove, things got a little hairy, the tires slid and tried to grip but the ice was building up.

My cellphone buzzed but it took two hands to keep the car straight. I was sweating by the time I pulled into the driveway, the snow about six inches on the ground already.

I grabbed the phone and headed inside at a run, hoping Bella had the fireplace lit and maybe some hot soup waiting for me. Even though we had not talked much at all in recent years, she fed me. There was always something waiting for me and I did appreciate it. I must tell her that.

The door swung open and my cell buzzed again.

The house was frigid, no fire, then.

Maybe I had a warm wife upstairs huddled in my bed?

"Edward Cullen," I answered as I ran up the stairs two at a time.

"Edward, you made it home okay? This snow is a bitch."

"Alice? Yeah, fine. I am just looking for my wife."

I kicked my bedroom door open but the bed was neatly made, just as it had been when I went to work.

My stomach clenched.

If she is in her bedroom, then she is mad about me walking in on her naked. I swear I thought I heard her say 'come in', I would never just barge into her bedroom. I know that room has been her sanctuary for years now.

I knocked.

"Is she there? She's okay, right?"

"Why wouldn't she be here, she is always here."

"I let my cellphone die and when I charged it up, there was a message to meet her at The Saddlery, she needed a lift home. She had walked into town."

"What time was this?" I asked my sister.

"She said she would be done by noon. I swung around there at two, when I got the message but the receptionist said she left at about twenty past eleven."

"What was Bella doing there in the first place?" I growled.

"Seeing Dr Black, her new therapist, I rang Carlisle. He arranged it."

I frowned, I don't like changes being made behind my back. And Bella has a perfectly good therapist. Victoria comes highly recommended. She has made slow but sure progress with Bella over the years. Kept her from killing herself, that has to be a big plus, and sign they were a good fit.

"Well, she doesn't seem to be here in the house. What time did the snow begin?"

"Maybe 12.30? One o'clock?"

"So, if she walked home, she would have been, what, halfway?"

"Edward, she can't be out in this surely? Maybe she stayed in town somewhere. Did she ring you?"

I checked my phone. Four missed calls. The three latest were all Alice, trying to call me as I drove.

"Okay, I have a message from her. I will get back to you, Ali. Thanks."

One voicemail message."Today, at 2.09 pm"

"Edward, I am on my way home but I hurt my ankle. I don't know whether to sit and wait or keep walking. Maybe I can just rest for a while. I can't get Alice to answer her phone, can you try for me, my battery is dying. I will just rest a while then try and get closer to the road. See..."

Nothing more.

I replayed the message.

Evidently her phone had died.

I tried calling her back but it went straight to voice mail.

I left a message in the hope she would be able to hear it and told her I would find her.

How, I had no idea, but she wouldn't last long out in the storm, once it hit. The wind was already tearing at the roof and the whole house shook alarmingly.

My mind went back to when Lissy was small and we had a snow storm like this. She had been about two and I could hear her screams from inside the minute I got out of my car in the driveway of our first house. The nice house.

Bella was trying her best to calm her but she was hysterical. She always hated storms but snow storms petrified the child.

We always took her into our bed before any storm hit, and we both took turns holding her and comforting her and Bella and I would sing to her. It may have been off key, but we would have tried anything, desperate for her to quieten. Her fear of storms seemed a little unreasonable as we had never been caught out in one while in the car, she had always been safe inside long before. Bella was convinced Lissy hated the sound of the wind mainly, so we would try and drown it out.

Some nights I sat and played my piano for hours while our little girl huddled on Bella's knee, quiet but apprehensive, until she fell asleep.

I smiled at the memory.

For the first year or so I didn't allow myself to think of her, I fought against it and drank, a lot, to keep her face out of my head. It seemed like if I stopped fighting and let her image inside, it would kill me. Then when I dreamed of her, I actually started to feel a tiny bit better, and I discovered any time with her was better than none, so I allowed myself happy memories only.

Now I can remember her being frightened, being a child like any other, and the knowledge we had her, were part of her life and rescued her when she was afraid, these were becoming happy memories as well.

Nobody else knew her as we did, she was ours.

She still is. I have to believe somehow, some way, we will all be together again some day.

I checked the cupboard downstairs and bristled when I saw Bella's Winter boots still neatly lying in their box, unworn.

What was she wearing, then?

Her thick, yellow Winter coat was gone. Good.

I went back upstairs into her bedroom. Her shoes and boots were scattered around the closet and I couldn't picture what shoewear was missing. She usually wore just old sports shoes, as far as I knew. They seemed to be here, she wouldn't wear them into town.

A black skirt was abandoned on the bed, clearly she had gone for something warmer. Why hadn't she asked me to take her to town when I left this morning?

Surely we were past that avoiding each other, non talking phase , now?

I tugged on my cord jeans and changed into a thick sweater and padded coat and proper lined boots, and grabbed a torch and spare batteries.

The wind howled around me and snatched at my hair and I forced a handknitted gray beanie Bella made me when we were in high school, over my hair. I had worn it every Winter since then, it slept in my coat pocket during the warmer months.

Maybe I should take something to warm her.

The jug seemed to take forever to boil, but I made a vacuum flask of hot , sweet coffee and grabbed a blanket and stuffed both in a knapsack, then I left the house, leaving the lights blazing.

The snow was higher already.

Okay, time to call for help.

This was no time for some romantic boy rescues girl, they fall back in love, and live happily ever after. More like, boy finds girl in snow and both freeze to death and get found in the Spring thaw.

The police were already stretched and questioned me quickly, was she definitely out there?

I couldn't imagine any scenario where she had been rescued already and not found the time to borrow a phone and leave me a message. Or Alice.

No, she would call me, she had once today already.

I don't know how I missed hearing my phone buzz.

The rescue squad told me to sit tight and not wander off and become another person needing rescuing, so I made a coffee and sat in the curtainless front room and waited.

Praying seemed pointless.

She would either live or die tonight, I had no control over that. I couldn't have saved my children and I can't save my wife if her time is up.

What God wants, He takes.

"Please don't take her, too. Leave me someone, leave me my Bella. Please," I begged anyway.

"Mr Cullen, there's no chance of us getting as far as your house. We have a missing child, and an old man has wandered out of the nursing home. The child gets priority. Sorry. I don't want to suggest you look for her yourself but the storm approaching pretty much seals the fate of anyone out there in it."

I closed the phone and went to the garage and started the jeep. Maybe I do overindulge when it comes to my love of cars but this baby was about to earn it's keep. It was the latest in off-road vehicles and it would never let a little snow deter it from going wherever the hell it wanted.

I hit the switch and had the search lights blazing as I headed back along the road. The clouds had closed in and it was black as night, and the snow was falling harder.

How long had she been out here?

A bedraggled creature, limping pitifully along the road came into sight and I hit the brakes and was out the door before the jeep stopped.

"Bella, what the fuck were you thinking?"

She smiled weakly and held her arms out towards me, and I ran to her and scooped her up. She was cold, wet, exhausted and in pain but she was alive. That's all I had asked of God, so I thanked him as I put her into the front passenger seat and strapped her in.

Her hair was dripping wet and I pulled off my beanie and put in on her, as she shivered under the blanket.

Holding her freezing little hands, and rubbing them to bring back some blood supply, I decided to get her home, get her to bed, and waste no time doing it. The pitch of the wind was changing.

We made it to the driveway and once inside the garage , I ran to close the door behind us as the Heaven's opened and the storm hit.

Carrying a shivering Bella inside, I quickly rang my father for instructions. I could vaguely remember if she had hypothermia, I was not to put her in a bath to heat her too quickly.

Carlisle talked me through checking her temperature as I stripped her wet clothes away. She was still within the normal range for bodyheat so I stripped off myself and took us both to bed, naked, so my bodyheat would warm her, on his instructions, and I held the coffee from the flask to her lips and watched her sip and shiver.

The only concern was the swollen foot with no protection, just a wet, saggy sock.

My father had advised we seek medical advice but not until the storm passed, it was unlikely to need treatment badly enough to risk our lives out in that maelstrom.

Once she finished drinking, Bella curled up beside me and clutched her arms around my torso and I couldn't help feeling like something major just occurred.

She could have stayed in the forest and curled up and died a peaceful enough death, especially if she stripped off her clothes and let the cold take her. It would have convinced her brain she was warm and it probably isn't such a terrible a way to go.

But she has struggled out to the road and held on for me to find her.

She had chosen life with me over the idea of being with our children.

I knew all she had wanted for years was death, now she had rejected him.

She had chosen me.


	6. Chapter 6

Unforgiven

Chapter 6

Between Heaven And Hell

Laying there, holding a sleeping Bella in my arms, was as close to Heaven as I had been for years now, so that should have been my warning it would soon all turn to crap. The temperature kept dropping as the storm raged outside, and Bella shivered in my embrace. I rubbed her back and arms and sat up to caress her legs and check on that ankle.

There was no denying it, it was broken and not looking good.

I wrapped her as warmly as possible and pulled on my coat and went to find more blankets. The Lilac room had none, neither did Bella's bedroom. I checked the linen cupboard, she must have washed them all and put them somewhere. Old and thin as they were, they would warm us in layers.

When I went downstairs to check the laundry room, with no more success. I remembered the electric blanket Alice gave us one Christmas, so unpacked it from it's wrappings and decided, while I was down here, to make hot drinks.

Just as I plugged in the electric jug, the lights in the kitchen flickered and failed.

No power.

Great.

No choice then. I filled the fireplace with logs and hoped we had enough wood inside to last until the storm was over. Once the flames caught and the fire burnt warmly, I went back to the Lilac Room and dragged it's mattress downstairs and put it in front of the fire, and boiled water the old fashioned way, with a pot over the flames.

Once the tea was made, I walked back to get Bella and as I passed the Pink Room, I felt maybe I had no choice.

I opened the door and walked in, and tried to keep it together.

Since we moved here, I have been in this room a few times. I asked Alice to set up everything of Lissy's from her bedroom in the other house in this small, pink bedroom.

Her bed alone had bedding so I reluctantly took the fairy comforter and pink blankets off the bed, my hands shaking.

It didn't feel right but it was necessary. Bella needed the extra warmth, my daughter would never need these covers again.

"Thanks,Lissy," I murmured. I know Bella has never been in this room, since the first day when she opened the door and screamed the house down at seeing inside. I kept it locked and only went in there when I couldn't bear to avoid the room any longer.

I used to turn her nightlight on while I sat on her bed and talked to her, then one night I took it into my own bedroom so I could feel close to her in there as well.

Now I was desecrating her room further.

Knowing Bella would never let me place our daughter's covers over her, I folded them and lay them in the shadows beside the fire, and went back to carry her and my own bedding downstairs, and slipped Lissy's blankets over her in between mine.

She barely woke, so it wasn't the problem I feared, and I returned to change into my long, well worn, woollen Winter robe.

I couldn't find Bella's robe anywhere in her bedroom so I slid back in beside her on the makeshift bed and opened my robe and pulled her inside mine against me.

The wind was howling and the house shook but seemed to be withstanding the battering.

Propping us with pillows I held Bella's cup to her lips and helped her drink then drank my own tea.

Fearful as I was that the old house could blow away at any minute, this was the most contact Bella and I had shared for years so I wanted to enjoy it.

The heat from the fire made me sleepy and soon I was back, in the past, a storm much the same raging outside, a small, warm, shaking body in my arms.

I could almost smell Lissy's little girl smell, her baby powder freshness, her hair always scented with a faint strawberry aroma.

"Lissy," I murmured, pulling her closer, her small hands touching my chest.

Crazy as it sounds, Bella didn't feel a whole lot bigger than our four year old had. She was always tiny but since we lost the children, she is even smaller and thinner.

I remember Lissy was wearing the blue My Little Pony pajamas Rose bought her, and she refused to wear any others, even though she had other favorites before. Now it had to be her Pony pj's, so Bella used to wash them and have them clean every night. The fabric was thinning and fading, and Rose was looking everywhere for another pair the same, so when this pair gave up the ghost, we could replace them.

Bella had knitted her a pair of blue bedsox to match so Lissy needed the whole ensemble every night.

I remember laying there, thinking how much better it would be when we moved to Africa and the weather would no longer keep us rugged up in many layers of clothing, how Lissy would love the freedom of playing outdoors and not be stuck inside weeks on end as the snow locked us inside.

I really, truly thought I was doing the right thing. I would never do anything to harm my precious child, yet she had died because I took her to the place I once loved above any other location in the world.

I had just wanted it all. I had been greedy and selfish and ironically, the thought that life was too short to not do everything you wanted, now, had pushed me on. I had convinced Bella we were doing the right thing. My enthusiasm had gradually overcome her reluctance and she had agreed to one year.

I was so sure, after one year her heart would be there as well, she would no more want to come back to this cold and wet inhospitable place than I would.

"Edward," she sighed, bringing me straight back.

Lissy is dead, I will never feel her laying in my arms again.

Bella suddenly felt like an imposter, and I had to resist the urge to push her away.

I love her, I truly do, but tonight it was not her I wanted in my arms the most.

She opened her eyes and looked into mine and I had to turn away and stare at the fire through the tears running down my face.

Was there really any point to trying to grasp on so desperately to her? No matter what happened, we would never have Lissy back.

Never.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella's POV

I felt the changes in Edward's body as he cried. I knew exactly what he was thinking, because I was thinking the same thing.

I felt his arms slacken and I rolled out of them, limping to the bathroom as an excuse to gain some space.

I guess I am just not used to being touched, and it seemed too overwhelming, being so close.

The cold made it impossible to stay so I used the bathroom then gathered the blanket closer and returned to the bed I would rather not share.

"I should get dressed," I said, and Edward jumped from the bed, as eager for an excuse to get away as I was.

He went upstairs to my bedroom and returned with a denim skirt, and underclothing, and the red blouse I was looking for yesterday, as well as a thick royal blue sweater. He lay everything out on top of the covers.

As I approached, I recognised Lissy's comforter, and dropped the blanket off my body and grabbed it , instead, wrapping it around me, surrounding me fully.

I sat down on the edge of the mattress and tried desperately to detect her scent on the cover. She slept under this since she graduated to a big bed, it must hold something of her.

Edward was watching me but making no attempt to touch me or reach for me and I was glad.

"I'll get dressed, too," he said, and all but ran up to his bedroom.

I sat there for a while, but there was nothing, not the slightest bit of Lissy's little girl aroma left.

Someone had probably washed it away years ago.

I didn't even know we had this comforter here, or I would have put it on my own bed.

My brain nagged at me, I had seen it here but I closed that door down.

Not wanting Edward to have to help me, I dropped the blanket and pulled on my bra and blouse and sweater, then eased my underwear on, and lastly, struggled to stand on my good foot to wrap the denim skirt around my hips and start buttoning it up, at the waist.

Edward was suddenly there, in front of me, fully dressed, kneeling, and he silently started at the hem and buttoned up until we met in the middle.

I wrapped Lissy's cover around me again and Edward started boiling water and making more tea.

The storm was peaking, and a sudden crash jolted us both back.

Splintering wood, and the old timber of the house groaned and gave way as a giant tree older than our grandparents, split the roof and smashed the upstairs where Edward had just been.

He stood with his mouth open in shock, then turned and scooped me into his arms and ran into the garage, putting me into the jeep, and jumping in himself.

"We have to leave anyway, so we should go to the hospital and get that leg seen to," he said, looking straight ahead.

I nodded.

The drive was probably horrendous but somehow I just didn't care any more, if we got swept off the road and down the river on the other side, would it really matter?

I know his family would miss him, and my father would suddenly be sorry he had avoided me since the children died, and my Mom would regret cutting me out of her life when I was just a teenager, but none of that mattered.

"Was there an us?" was all I could think about. I had been beginning to think there was, but feeling Edward close off and want to push me away in bed, I had to face up to the fact maybe we were more pain to each other than comfort.

The hospital staff were welcoming and I suppose anyone else hearing they had a badly broken ankle needing surgery would be dismayed and upset and worried.

To me, it was my ticket away, they would have to keep me here for some days, maybe weeks.

Edward signed the forms and stood by, hands in pockets, looking uneasy.

"Where are you going to go?" I asked him.

"I guess I will stay with Alice. Or Emmett."

I handed him Lissy's blanket.

"Don't let anything happen to this, I want it back."

He nodded.

"Go, Edward, just go," I said, unable to stand the tension between us any longer.

He took a step forward, towards me, then shook himself, and turned and walked away.

I didn't want that kiss any more than he wanted me to have it.

I lay back and enjoyed the throbbing my ankle pulsed through my leg since they had examined it and stirred up the pain.

Pain can be good, pain can replace nothing, so that is good, right?

xxx xxx xxx xxx

Edward's POV

I folded the blanket and ran to the jeep, and lay it on the spare front seat.

Jasper and Alice's house is closest and they would let me stay of course, they would love me to stay probably but they had that little girl.

I could not face her, hear her voice, see her in her mother's arms, at the moment.

Emmett and Rose would be just as agreeable, so I headed their way and wondered what would happen now we had no house.

I guess everything will be destroyed, now the roof is open, the rain will soak through the walls and into the closets and everything we have will be useless and spoiled.

Maybe it always was, and I was fighting to hang on to something that no longer existed.

I tried to understand my reactions earlier. All I longed for for the past few years was to be with Bella again, laying with her like that should have been a tiny piece of Heaven, so why did it feel like Hell?

I pulled up at the apartment complex. The rain had eased, it seemed the storm had achieved it's goal and moved on.

Rose opened the door sleepily and pulled me inside.

"Emmett, get Edward some dry clothes."

She silently took the comforter from me and walked to the electric fireplace and removed the items of washing that hung over a clothes rack, and replaced them with Lissy's blanket. She moved it back a bit, and then took her own washing and dropped it into the dryer, and turned it on. So, the power was back here in town.

Emmett came out, rumpled and half naked despite the chill that hung in the air despite the glowing fire.

"Where's Bella?" he asked, standing in front of me as I pulled off my wet clothes. Rose had seen me without clothes more times than I care to think about, that first year. She washed me and dressed me like the helpless infant I was, so I had long lost any embarrassment about her seeing me naked. She had seen me naked in both ways, raw and bleeding naked, and sans clothing naked.

"In the hospital, she broke her ankle yesterday," I answered.

"Have a shower, we have hot water again," suggest Emmett. It felt good, just standing there letting the water wash away the night, and I was reluctant to come out and face my brother and sister in law. Nowadays I felt closer to Rose than to Emmett. He was all survivor, he didn't have any idea what it felt like to not want to live any more.

Rose knew, she had spent so much time beside my bed, listening to me, crying with me, my pain had become hers. She had no idea how much she had lightened my load and let me work through so much nobody else could bear to listen to.

I dressed in Emmett's clothes and pulled the belt in a half dozen notches.

I'm sure Rose will go buy me something that fits before I have to step outside again. I looked in the mirror. The dark purple bags under my eyes were back and darker than ever.

Clearly I was in crisis again.

Again, again, again.

How many more times?

Laurent would make room and see me, let me scream at him, accept whatever I threw his way.

I sighed, and walked out.

Rose handed me a coffee and pushed me to sit down at the table and face a plate of pancakes. My plate held two, Emmett's held a dozen or more, but Rose knew not to push me.

I ate silently.

Emmett ate enthusiastically, helping himself to more.

"The house is gone," I stated."That massive tree in the front yard fell on it."

"Good," answered Emmett."Now you can buy something decent. We should go burn down what's left ."

"Actually, there was a fire in the downstairs fireplace so that may be done already," I informed him.

"What are you going to do, Edward? You know you can stay here as long as you want to," added Rose.

"Thanks. I haven't thought it through yet. I imagine Bella will be in hospital for a while. She walked on her foot after she broke it so it's pretty bad, the surgeon is going to pin it today."

"Shit, man, that's nasty," observed my brother. "Why did she walk on it? It must have hurt like a bitch."

"I'm sure it did. Carlisle referred her to a new therapist and she didn't tell me, she had her first appointment yesterday and walked into town and home afterwards, and the snow hit when she was halfway home. She tripped and broke her ankle."

"Why didn't she call you or Alice, and sit by the road and wait for someone?" he queried.

"She was walking through the forest so she walked out to the road, I guess she figured I would never find her if she stayed in there."

Emmett considered this, found it satisfactory, and nodded.

He poured more coffee into each cup, and took the last pancake from the serving dish.

He is big but he should be massive.

"You should buy her a car, Edward. You have, what, six of your own."

"She has never asked me for one or gone anywhere without Alice driving her there."

"How does Alice drive her about without taking the baby with her?" he asked, frowning.

Bella's refusal to see Ashley was widely known.

"She leaves her with a sitter or with Jasper. Alice has refused to let Bella ignore their friendship, she sticks to the rules and sees her whenever she can. Even if it means leaving the baby at home. She has been a true friend. Like you and Rose have been for me."

Rose smiled at me gently. I truly love her, she has never once turned away or acted like I was too much trouble.

I am not her problem and never have been, but she just opens her heart and welcomes me in, without getting anything back. I am sure I never even said thank you to her once that first year.

"Actually, Jasper pretty well forced me to meet Ashley. He had her in the car when he came to get his drunken wife last week."

"Alice got drunk? How did that happen?" asked Rose, laughing at the idea.

"She and Bella tied one on. Bella apparently decided she didn't like our furniture so the house was pretty much stripped anyway. There was a bonfire in the backyard. No yard sale for those two, they decided everything needed burning and did it."

Emmett found it hilarious, and he slapped me on the back as he headed off to get dressed for the office. He never complained about my absence or my uselessness when I was there. I was trying to pull my weight but the fact was, Emmett ran that company, I dabbled and contributed when I could, but without him, there would be nothing left by now, well, long before this.

Rose looked at me, her eyes knowing there was more to tell.

"We slept together, once. She disposed of her mattress and bedding, so I put her in my bed. She was drunk. Next morning, she detected my erection and made use of it, and asked me if I was screwing Tanya. Thank God I hadn't, I know it would have ended us, no question.

I came so fucking close, so many times.

I ran away from her in Paris, Rose, we got naked together, and I suddenly couldn't do it. She didn't seem to care, I know she fucked the waiter instead, but it scared me. I backed right off from her then things began again, slowly, she was getting to me. Then the other day in the office, I had my hand on her leg and I swear, different time, different place...like at hers or in some dark alley somewhere, I would have slipped.

It wouldn't have meant anything, I am sure it would have been cruel and meaningless but Tanya likes both. She has always made it plain she just likes fucking, who with is not a bog deal. She doesn't want anything more, and that appealed to me. I was afraid of sex before she started at the office. I always assumed any woman would want a relationship of some sort, even if she knew I would never leave my wife.

Tanya, she loved that I am married and can't progress with her, she just was attracted to me and wanted to fuck. Empty sex seemed attractive. Useful.

Then I had sex with Bella and discovered I actually do not enjoy empty sex. It is only satisfying on a physical level. It's quite unsettling emotionally."

"Is that the problem? You seem spooked."

"No, I had Bella in my arms last night and I stupidly went and got Lissy's comforter because the bedding was missing from every other bed, and it reminded me of her. I fell asleep and dreamed it was Lissy I was comforting. The reality kind of crippled me, and I rejected Bella. I don't suppose I can explain why. I want her and I love her, but not this her, this Bella. I want my Bella. The one who loved me."

"Edward, I am sure she still loves you deep down. She didn't have to stay all these years. Alice would have taken her in, she has her father, somewhere she has a mother even. If she really wanted to go, she would have gone."

"I know, but I am starting to realize, she stayed only because she didn't care where she was. It was meaningless. All she needed was a roof, any roof, food, clothes, anyone could have given these things to her. She didn't stay to be close to me."

"You kept her to be close to her?"

"I can't survive without her."

"Then what the fuck were you thinking, sniffing after Tanya? That does not scream love, Edward. If you love Bella you would never cheat on her."

"I didn't think it mattered any more. I don't think she is coming back to me, Rose. I think she will go back, to Charlie, to Alice, somewhere. Maybe even back to Carlisle and Esme. I don't think she wants to be around me any more, now she is no longer comatose. Before, she didn't have what it took to choose. Now she is awake again, she isn't happy, with anything."

"But she lay her claim on you."

"I know. It puzzles me, too. Why do that if you truly don't care?"

"She must care. Nothing could erase what you too had. I have never encountered a couple like you two. You lived on the same breath of air, you were in perfect sync, you had what everyone wants. It can't be gone. You were like it before the children, you can be like that again."

"I just don't know any more. Maybe I waited for a dream, an idealized fantasy, and the reality now seems pale and unpalatable. I thought if I got Bella back, somehow I would get some part of Lissy back. Now I realize she is gone, Rose. Gone forever. There is no getting her back."

Rose picked up a table napkin and wiped my cheeks, apparently I was crying. She was used to me crying. The look in her eyes scared me. I have seen pity, most people who know look at me with pity, but she looked...bereaved.

Was I dead? As good as dead?

"I need clothes, that fit. I need to go see Laurent. I have to tell Emmett I can't go to work today."

"He left, Edward, while we were talking. I don't think he expects you in today, it will be fine. I will call Laurent, you go get dressed in your own clothes, I dried them in the big dryer."

Of course, the laundry room had a massive commercial dryer for comforters and such.

I changed and walked back out. Rose was ready, and had my car keys in her hand.

"My car or yours? I'm driving."

"Then yours," I answered, and she tossed my keys onto her fridge top.

xxx xxx xxx

"Edward, clearly this is a crossroads and you have to decide which road to take. Towards your wife or away from her. It's as simple as that. You cannot have your daughter back. Sad, sure, but true, an absolute truth and fact. Take away all expectations Bella will make you feel you have some part of Lissette back, and make your choice. Of course, I imagine Victoria will be telling Isabella the same thing, so what she chooses obviously affects whether you can even have your choice. If she chooses a clean break, and a new life, then maybe you need to accept that."

I slumped in my chair.

"How do I know what the right choice is?"

"I guess you feel it in your heart." he replied.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella's POV

Morning bought new pain, in the physical sense and old pain in the emotional sense.

My leg was in traction, keeping me tethered to the bed. A nurse performed all the necessary ablutions and left. I didn't feel like eating but fear the doctor would pay more attention to me if it was reported I didn't eat, scared me into swallowing the bowl of oatmeal down. I nibbled on the toast and drank the tea.

The day hung before me, long and boring. But at least I was away from Edward.

God, what was wrong with me?

Why I am avoiding the only person I actually truly care about? Of course, I love Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett even, and Carlisle and Esme mean more to me than my own parents, sadly.

But Edward?

"Mrs Cullen?" a voice asked.

I glanced up.

Fuck me, I may be dead on the inside but part of me just resurrected itself.

Long black hair, big dark eyes, teeth that quite frankly, were awe inspiring. How freaking tall was he? Well over six feet. And the plain white shirt could not hide what nestled inside it.

A six pack to die for, muscles to rival any model.

"Yes," I managed to choke out.

"I am Dr Black. Jacob."

"Dr Black," I echoed, like my brain had left and forgotten to take my body with it.

"I am sorry I missed our first appointment. I had an emergency. I must apologize for James. He is no longer with us. He forgot to take the tape home of your appointment with him. After I watched it, I realized what a dangerous man he is. I expect being as ethically challenged as he is, he thinks what he says does make sense. Please let me assure you, nothing he said was right or worthy of your consideration. Like the judge says, the jury should disregard that statement. The statement being every word James uttered. I hope you and I can be a team and work together. Fresh start."

"Fresh start," I answered. Oh my God, if there is an opening for a parrot, I am getting that role.

"So, do you have time now for a chat? It looks like you will be in here a while? But if you would prefer, I can just make an appointment with you and you can come to my rooms. No stairs, that's a good thing."

"I have time,now," I stuttered, proud I managed to make a whole sentence of my own words come out of my mouth.

"Cool. Maybe I can just give you an outline of how I work. I use a program method of steps. In your situation, I am guessing eight to ten steps. Would you like to hear them? I use many and they may change as we get to know one another."

"Fine, I would like that, but please call me Bella." I said in my normal voice.

Yes.

Bella is a grown-up again.

"Bella. Beautiful name. Call me Jacob, Jake, Doc, quack, shrink, whatever you find most comfortable.

Step One, I ask you to write about yourself as if you were writing the eulogy you would want your best friend to write about you if you died today.

Step Two,Safe Love. Not what you think, no condoms involved. Choose a source of love you can return safely. I usually recommend adopting a dog or cat, depending on which you prefer, off death row from an animal shelter. This is safe love because that animal would be dead if you didn't take it, so there's nothing to lose. If it dies in your care, then you extended it's life. However long it has with you, that's extra, bonus time, so safe love. It will be grateful to you for giving it a home, you will have something you can love back and yet not over analyze everything you say to it. You can't hurt it's feelings. You can be honest and tell it you hate the world and life sucks and it will lick your hand, not snap and tell you to harden up and accept your fate.

Step Three. Practise random acts of kindness. Kindness attracts kindness. You want people to be kind to you, get in the habit of being kind to everyone else. Treat them in a way you wish they would treat you.

Step Four. Find your strengths and focus on them, and finding solutions.

Step Five Be Mindful. Three words, Connection, Defusion and Expansion. Create the connections you crave,defuse thoughts that are not vital by letting them come and say their piece and then go. Don't over analyse and get trapped by them. Expand to let emotions, good and bad, flow through you, don't fight them.

Step Six. Learn to forgive. Most vital in your case.

I think those six are our starters, we will add to them in time.

Any questions?"

"I have forgiven Edward. None of it was his fault."

"But have you forgiven Bella? None of it was her fault, either."

I sat and looked at him. He was much more confronting than Victoria but I liked him.

"There are eight steps to happiness, Bella. I am going to teach them all to you. One day, you are going to say goodbye to me and dismiss me as your therapist by saying 'Jacob, I don't need you any more. I am happy.' And on that day, I shall be happy, too, Bella. happy to see you walk away and not need me."

I smiled and took the hand he offered and shook on it, confirming our deal. Partners.

"I would be happy to talk to your husband, your parents, anyone you like, or not. You choose. Whatever you tell me stays with me. Between us. No taping sessions, I honestly wonder what the heck James has on his tapes? I just hope we avoid any law suits, he was only with us a week, for that I am grateful. I can stop by most days, if you want. I have other patients here, so I am here most days for a while. Shall I add you to my list of damsels in distress to visit daily?"

"Yes, I would like that."

"May as well start now while you can't be out there white water rafting or sky diving anyway."

He smiled and walked out, waving from the door.

Hmm. He was nice, and I liked his energy. Shut up, Bella, you liked more than that. He felt so sure of himself, so balanced and complete. I must say I liked that in a man.

I slept after my medication was given and when I woke, I was surprised to see a head of copper hair resting on my bed.

Edward.

I reached out one hand and stroked his soft locks as they shone in the light, reflecting all the colors of autumn leaves. How had his beauty stopped slamming me in the face each day, as it had before? I had Jacob Black to thank for something already. He had opened my eyes to beauty again. And Edward was the most beautiful person I knew, both in looks and in his soul.

He had come back, yet again. He looked so peaceful, so relaxed at last, so different to last night.

His strong jaw, his sharp cheeks, stubble slightly covering his beautiful skin, I couldn't help but enjoy the view. His eyes slowly opened, and the intensity of the green emeralds gazed at me.

Suddenly I felt my heart pound.

My face blushed as realization hit me.

I love Edward.

Take away all the crap and pain and circumstances, and all that is left is the one fact.

I love Edward Cullen.

xxx xxx xxx

Watching Bella look at me, I felt a jolt in my chest. Her eyes were shining in a way they had not for a long time now.

I had taken Laurents advice and listened to my heart and my heart was listening to her heart. They were conversing with each other and synchronizing heartbeats.

I finally got it. Nothing could come between us and keep us apart. God knows that, he seemed to have tried and given it his best shot.

My hand lay on her covers and her fingers slid across and intertwined themselves with mine.

I raised them and kissed her knuckles, slowly as I held her gaze.

"Welcome home, Bella," I said softly.

"Thank you, Edward, Welcome home."


	7. Chapter 7

**Excuse typos, will edit later.**

Unforgiven

Chapter 7

Finding My Way Again

Edward's POV

I lay in the bed in Rose and Emmett's spare bedroom and looked at the ceiling.

Yesterday had been momentous.

We had both finally managed to let go of some things that had stood firmly and blocked our pathways back to each other. Things felt different. Better.

I had stayed with Bella as long as visitors were allowed and we had just kept out hands joined and stroked each other's faces but her touch was like some energizing magic wand, giving me strength and hope.

Of course it will take time but we have that.

When I had to go, I had leaned down and kissed her forehead. Only because our new first proper kiss will not be a goodbye kiss.

I walked out but turned back to check she was still connecting with me. Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears, but her lips were smiling, so they were good tears.

I kissed my palm and blew the kiss to her and she caught it and held it against her heart.

Tapping sounded at my door.

"Yeah," I called.

Emmett opened it and stood before me, rubbing his neck.

"So, what's happening? You two back together for real at last?"

I frowned and thought about it. Was I ready to share?

"Yeah, Emmett, we are."

"Thank the Gods for that. How's the tatt?"

I lightly touched the dressing on my chest, above my heart.

"Feels okay. It didn't hurt like I remembered, actually. It's fine, Emmett, you have a dozen, I think I can handle two."

"Bella ever seen the other one?"

I thought about that, too. Surely she would have spoken if she had noticed the tatt on my back. It was quite small.

"I doubt it, she hasn't said anything."

The two little angels faced each other, hands touching, wings spread. I had not been able to have them on my chest, looking at them every day would have killed me that first year, so they lay on the back of my heart instead. The trip to the tattoo parlour to get them inked had probably been the only trip I ever took other than to keep my appointments with Laurent. Rose had taken me, naturally, and done all the aftercare while I lay in my haze.

"You should be taking the dressings off now, having a shower, then letting the air dry it and use the cream."

"Yes, brother. I can read an aftercare chart."

"Bella know?"

I shook my head. She wasn't against tattoo's, she had always been interested when Emmett got a new one to show off.

I had never wanted one before, writing on my skin seemed pointless. Feelings were something you expressed and showed, you didn't need your body marked to prove you love somebody. But my angels were not here to kiss and declaring my love for them was important, so they knew they would always be part of me, and never be forgotten.

Now I was permanently declaring my undying love for their mother.

I had no idea if she would approve.

Sometimes you just have to take a chance and hope you do the right thing. I wanted her name on my heart forever, no matter what happened. This was my way of saying I would love her for eternity.

I peeled the bloody gauze off and looked at the ink.

"Nice," commented Emmett.

Rose had breakfast on the table and I ate with an enthusiasm that matched Emmett's for once. I saw Rose catch my brother's eye. She smiled and raised her eyebrows.

"So, what are you doing today? Coming into the office? Going to see Bella first?" he asked.

"Yes to both. I need to start pulling my weight, Emmett, I have been such a burden to you and Rose for so long."

"Edward, we love you, you are not a burden," Rose lied gallantly.

"Rose, I want you to know the only reason I am here today is because of you. You saved me when there was nothing to live for. I couldn't even think of Bella that first year, it just tore my heart to shreds to know she was in as much pain as I was. I fully expected to lose her, because you were keeping me alive, and I knew if you hadn't been there, for me, there would have been only one other place to be. Straight of a clifftop. I wasn't sure if she was strong enough to resist the pull of the promise of peace if she just jumped."

Rose reached out and took my hand.

"We are family, Edward, it's what families do for one another. Carlisle and Esme had Bella, you needed us, we wanted to be there for you."

"Thank you," I said, words were inadequate but all I had to repay my debt to them.

"Emmett, you should be the sole CEO, I have not contributed near as much as you have lately, you deserve to be the bossman. I am happy being your lackey."

"No Cullen will ever be a lackey. I am glad you turned up and did what you could, Edward. You achieved a lot more than you think. The Palmer account, the fantastic save you pulled off when I fucked up the Burgess and Leigh fiasco, you have saved us some major clients, don't underestimate your worth. You were so calm and collected in those two crisis' alone, you more than earned your keep."

"It's easy to look at a little work problem and analyse it and find a solution when you need to be in control of one thing, because I had no control over anything else," I answered.

"Whatever, we Cullen Bros work well together and pick up the slack when the other drops the ball. You saved my balls, I am happy to return the favor, Edward. What time are you coming in? We have Cooper and Nesbit booked at 2pm and you know that old bitch only comes to perve on your ass. I would like you to be there, if you could. I will do the talking, you distract the cougar while she signs the new contract."

"Glad to be of some use, even if it's only my ass you need. See you at oneish."

I kissed Rose goodbye and headed for my car. I had a few things to do, a trip to the bank, another to the caryard, though it may be a while until Bella can drive again. Hairdresser, at some point I need to look professional again. I had shaved the bristles from my face and looked myself in the eye in the mirror this morning and liked what I saw looking back for once.

A man on a mission. A man fighting for his wife.

I selected a couple of suits to fill in until my new ones were tailored, having lost all my work clothes with the house, and tried on shoes and stocked up on underwear and socks.

Bella would need all new clothes.

Wandering into a women's lingerie shop was a treat I should have tried earlier. Everything tiny and sheer reminded me of my wife and our sex life in the early years. Before the wedding, on the honeymoon, though Bella had called that the Naked Honeymoon for a reason. We stayed on my parent's private island and Bella banned clothing. All clothing. When the weather wasn't warm enough to be outside naked, we were inside naked. The three days of non-stop rain had actually been the highlight.

Three days in bed, emerging only to grab food from the fridge and freezer. Microwave meals had kept us alive, and there were no repercussions from the high fat content, we worked off every calorie. Deliciously.

Just thinking about it made my mouth water and my dick hard.

I managed to tear myself away from the naughtier section and only take a dozen pieces of tiny scraps of lingerie with me, while I found Bella a selection of modest but pretty nightgowns and a new robe in midnight blue.

Slippers, not the fluffy kind, I had only bought that pair for reaction. I got none, she was too lost inside herself back then to even know what they were, I think.

Brush, comb, bathtowel, face cloth. She would hate the hospital issue stuff.

Bodygel, her hair products, a beautycase to house them all.

I paid and took my bags to the car then faced the clever hands of my favourite stylist and let her snip my ragged locks into shape.

"Smiling today, Edward. Good to see. I hate seeing that face go to waste. You reconsidered coming out with us girls sometime soon?"

"I'm fully booked but thank you."

"New lady?" she queried.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Good luck with her."

"Thanks."

I hope I don't need luck.

I took the card the bank manager had ready for me and headed to the car lot.

The new Volvo seemed the safest choice. I didn't care what any car cost but practicality and safety were highest on my list. If Bella wants a fun car as well, she can choose it later. I would love to see her in some convertible sports car.

Where did I want it delivered? Good question. It would be too much to burden Rose with caring for Bella. We needed a place of our own, until we sorted out the plans for the new stone cottage and had it built.

I should talk to Bella and see what she thinks. Where she would like to live in the meantime.

The staff were all busy and I made my way to Bella's room. I heard voices so stopped outside her door and sat down to wait. Don't need to see more than necessary and I would never want to embarrass her. It may take time for her to be comfortable showing her body to me again.

This was almost a new relationship and we would have to pace it as such, and just make allowances for our history together when needed.

The door opened and a man of above my own height walked out, smiling with these incredible teeth. I couldn't help looking. He had a long, shiny, black ponytail down his back to his waist and his skin was lightly russeted. I hoped he wasn't a male nurse, he seemed dressed too casually to be one. I wasn't sure I wanted my wife's body washed by anyone as good looking as he was.

He turned and put out a hand which I took.

"Jacob Black. Bella's new therapist."

"Edward Cullen, Bella's husband."

I guess he knows all there is to know about me. Including the fact my wife has not been regularly satisfied in bed for years now. Not touched, not held safely in comfort until recently. Neglected, abandoned. Not even spoken to with love. She would be ripe for the picking if this doctor wanted to manipulate her that way.

We sized each other up and he smiled and walked away.

I frowned, was that a 'well I have no competition here' smile? Because, believe me, you do, Dr Jacob Black. I will fight to the death to have her in my bed and keep her out of yours.

Bella looked up as I walked in and her smile was all for me.

"Hello, love. How are you feeling?" I asked, sitting down on her mattress and putting the bags on the bed.

"Good, but bored. I want to get out of here."

"You have some visitors? Jacob Black?"

"He's a therapist, not a visitor."

"He looks...competent."

"I'm sure he is. How are you? Did you sleep okay last night?"

"Sure," I answered, leaning in to kiss her gently.

She smiled against my lips and I resisted deepening the kiss yet, just pecking her lips over and over, and she laughed.

Bella laughed.

It was pure music to my ears, the sweetest sound I had heard in years.

I cupped her face and gazed into those deep pools of brown velvet.

"Bella, I love hearing you laugh again. It's the most beautiful sound ever."

"Edward," she giggled, nuzzling her nose against mine. "We need to laugh again. I feel like it's time."

"It is, my Bella."

"TIme for a lot of things to resume."

She pulled my face closer and whispered in my ear.

"You are turning me on something fierce. You look so damn hot and sexy today. I love the hair, it screams 'mess me up' and I want to do just that."

I stood and walked to her door, looking up and down the corridor. Handy, a 'Treatment in Progress, Do Not Enter' sign lay on the nurses desk just down the hall and nobody was there to make sure it didn't go astray. Pity about that.

I grabbed it and placed it on the outer doorhandle then locked the door with the flimsy privacy lock. It wouldn't keep anyone determined to enter out, but it might give us a little warning.

I turned back and Bella was grinning her evil grin and opening her covers. I shed my new trousers and hung them neatly over the back of her visitor's chair and dropped my boxers, grabbing them up and sliding them under her pillows for safe keeping.

It appeared somebody was naked under the unattractive hospital gown that covered little but her front upper torso. Very nice design, it was very accessible indeed and my hands had no problem finding her breasts. I lay beside her and stroked her body.

She reacted in a way that left no doubt what she wanted from me.

Everything.

Not just hands stroking her need away, she wanted me completely and I suddenly had no misgivings at all.

"Listen to your heart" Laurent had advised me.

My heart was saying it wanted to be close to Bella's heart.

My body was loudly shrieking it's need and desire to be close to her body again.

This time, there were feelings, reawakened, reborn, real feelings.

Only the practicalities stood in our way.

Her leg was anchored high in the air. No way to free it for convenience sake.

"This may be somewhat impossible, with the traction and all," I sighed.

"I'm sure you can come up with some solution," she challenged. This was truly my Bella back, nothing had ever stood between us and our bodies having their way with each other.

No sensible school uniform panties, no father at work but likely to be home any time to try and catch us out, no fear of being caught behind the school hall as my hands reached for her and stroked her to ecstasy between class, no cramped backseat of my first car, no fear sand may just end up in places sand was never meant to enter, no fear any of our friends would come closer and detect what we were doing to one another under the coats on our laps in the cinema as we kissed and touched and moaned into one another's mouths. We had faced and beaten obstacles of many kinds. We had even managed sex on a motorbike in my Rebel With A Cause stage. An agenda, anyway.

You can manage to have sex anywhere if you are determined enough.

Even at the beach with people everywhere, they had been none the wiser as I wrapped us in a monster sized towel and sat my girl on my lap and rubbed her body warm, my hands on the outside, my dick firmly on the inside.

This was merely a puzzle that needed the pieces placed the right way up.

I sat and faced her and shifted her good leg up onto my shoulder and shuffled up the bed until we met right where we wanted to.

No questions, no hesitation, from now on we follow our instincts and learn from our mistakes, but we have to make them first, so if this is too soon for sex, then here comes mistake number one.

I cupped her backside in my hands and sniffed in her arousal aroma. Oh yes, I remember this.

Maybe I should make sure she is fully prepared. I grabbed the spare pillows off the cabinet beside the bed and raised her center closer to my chin.

My tongue sought out her sex and plunged right in and she laughed and pushed my face closer.

"Is this physical therapy, because for some reason I was not looking forward to that."

"Silly girl, now be quiet and let me check you for neglected areas that need attention."

My tongue slid in and out, along and back, it all seemed to be in perfect working order as she writhed against my mouth.

"Edward Edward"

When did my name go from ordinary and old fashioned to the sweetest word to my ears?

That clit was being naughty, it needed a lesson in self control.

I sucked it in and spanked it good and hard with the tip of my tongue, flicking it back and forth.

She seemed to like it. Her release was pure ambrosia on my tongue and I sought out every drop and kissed her sex thank you for it's offering. My lips caressed her with true reverence.

I wanted to stay here, my face buried in her, my heart warm and glowing that I alone, was allowed here, had been it's only visitor. The only tongue allowed to lick, and taste and consume her. I hugged her thighs and looked up at her face. Bella was smiling at me, crying a little, I think tears just are part of us now.

Part of the good, the bad, the happy and the sad.

Only happy tears today, I promised her silently.

I let her go and removed the pillows and let my eager dick graze her clit and make her hiss.

"Edward, that's so..it's too much, it feels..."

I was gentle, but I was persistent. Long, slow, firm strokes, right from clit along her whole hidden ridge and valley beneath her folds,she had forgotten how much she was capable of feeling, how much she could take. Her wet warmth was exciting me so much but I stayed outwardly calm. My turn would come. Possibly right here, outside her, unless ...

"Fuck, I am going to come again." she cried so I plunged inside and ground against her.

Her walls grabbed me so tightly she took me with her. I cried in surprise.

"Bella, my God, where did ...what.."

I thought I was the one in control of this.

My body jerked as I filled her with my love, my hands stroking her thighs, her mound, her belly. She was mine, mine, but I didn't realise I had yelled the word.

"I am yours, only ever yours," she answered.

"I am only ever yours," I echoed back.

Now I see why that abomination of an idea would have wrecked everything. What if I hadn't been able to answer that? What if I had to say. "Well, you know, yours in love but I did fuck some skank for sexual release, but thats nothing, you still like me, right?"

What if she had said that to me? Laurent had told me many people act out in their grief and take whatever comfort they can, and sex can be a comfort source. How would I know what she did in that year away? I know what my parents told me but what if some faceless man had offered her the comfort I wasn't capable of, and she took it? What if Jacob Black had been her therapist then? She would have trusted him to do right and never hurt her but she would have been the most vulnerable ever.

I would understand, I would, but something would have been changed forever between us.

Something would have been sullied, and unable to be cleaned again.

I had been such a fool.

We would have never gotten us back, us the pure and honest, the old us, the us that began all those years ago, that had no room for anyone else.

I loved her all the more for being mine alone. And she must feel the same.

I could have spoiled everything.

I withdrew from her and went to get tissues to clean us up. No telltale wet spot on the sheets.

Bella didn't care, she was happy and contented and she let me wipe away the signs of what we had done without protest.

I sat beside her and put my arm around her shoulders.

"Bella, I love you so much. I know what I almost did to us, and I know the price now. Even if you forgave me, it would not be the same again. I am so sorry and I promise to never consider anything that selfish and destructive again. I am here unless you send me away. I would wait forever if I had to. I listened to my body and not my heart."

"I forgive you but remember, Edward.."

"Nobody fucks with me but you," I promised.

"Nobody. Never. No matter what. You were made for me, and me alone, like I was made for you alone. We can never let anyone else come between us. If you ever need me and I am being unavailable, come to me, remind me, show me your needs and I promise to fulfil them, even if I have a crap day or don't feel in the mood. It will be your job to get me in the mood, Darling."

"I can do that," I promised.

"You can, Edward. You certainly can. Now, maybe you should unlock the door, seeing my doctor does do his rounds about now."

I pulled on my boxers and pants and walked to the door after checking my love was covered, and sitting innocently on the area I had just satisfied and loved.

Opening it, I was face to face with four people.

Bella's doctor, looking annoyed and impatient.

A nurse, checking her chart.."There's nothing written here, no treatment scheduled..." she trailed off.

And my parents.

"Hi Mom, Dad."

I wondered how long they had been standing there.

We had forgotten we were in a hospital zone and should be quiet. In fact, we had both been quite noisy.

Carlisle's eyes were glittering, Esme was grinning but trying to hide her smirk.

My father winked at me.

"Edward grew up the son of a doctor, he knows how to attend to a bedridden patient's needs," he declared and he took the sign from the doorhandle and handed it to me.

"You should keep this, in case your wife needs attending to again. Thanks for helping the nursing staff by helping her yourself."

He marched in and grasped my wife into his arms and kissed her cheek lovingly.

"Bella, I hope Edward is taking good care of you," he asked.

"He is," she smiled and gave it away by blushing every shade of red known to man or beast.

"That is good to hear, we have waited for this news for so long, my dear." My mother hugged her daughter of the heart in close.

I guess it was an awkward moment, I don't know. All I could think of was, I put that smile on Bella's face. I put the warmth in her eyes. I made her body remember and sing again. How, where, what did it matter? What I did was more important than her broken ankle, it would heal with or without medical care, some how.

But her heart was in my hands, and I alone could mend it, and it was my sacred duty to do so. What other parts of her it took to do it, well, they were mine too.

** How nice are the videos of RPatz and Kristen 'rehearsing', my God they are good actors, it looks so real,lol! BD will be awesome, if only because we know they really do love one another. Sigh, so happy for them.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Apologies, I went to work last Monday and was informed I am working fulltime to cover someone's maternity leave but I got them back, I have been in bed with the flu since Wednesday. Updates will be erratic. Cheers,Lynz**

Unforgiven

Chapter 8

This Old House

Bella's leg was out of traction and she was going stir crazy so I asked my father if it would hurt if I snuck her out for a drive. The weather was much improved, after the storm abated, it seemed to herald in Spring. Bella grinned and agreed to play hooky and I carried her out to the car and sat her in the front passenger seat.

"Edward, really, another new car?" she questioned.

"This one is yours, and you can choose another if you want, a fun car. Maybe a BMW convertible? Anyway, they delivered this to Rose's house today so I thought we should make sure it works. Do you like it?"

Her eyes shone, she knew it was more than a car, it was me saying I trusted her to stay even though she had a way to go. I opened my wallet and handed her the black credit card.

"I should have gotten you one years ago, I am sorry, Bella. I thought you would run away and I would never find you again if I allowed you access to money. Buy whatever you want, even if it is a plane ticket."

"Edward, I will never leave you unless we get to the point where we both admit we can't regain what we had and both agree it's time to give up. I promise you that. If I need to go somewhere for a break, I would discuss it first. Now, where are we going?"

"To say goodbye to the old house. The workmen will be there later today to clear the debris away. I only lost one car, the others were fixable or untouched. But we have no furniture or clothes or anything else. Alice has offered to shop with you as soon as you are released."

Bella frowned and held the card gingerly.

"It's your money too, our money. I want you to spend it. I want you to have nice things. I know I have been beyond despicable to you these past few years and I will do anything to make it up to you. You are the most precious thing in my life, you always have been. I should never have let you think any different. I knew I didn't deserve you but I forced you to stay anyway. I am sincerely sorry, Bella."

"I know. I believe you. I have forgiven you for anything and everything, you know that. We are moving onwards, and putting all that behind us, right?"

"Right," I agreed, pulling up at the curb and rushing to lift her from the car. The workmen were on site already and several dump trucks stood by, waiting to be filled with debris.

"One last walk through?" I suggested.

Rose and Emmett pulled up beside us and both grinned at Bella and got out. Emmett swept her from me into his own arms and kissed her loudly. Bella laughed and put her arms around his neck and kissed him back just as soundly.

"That's my wife, remember," I joked.

"Hey, my wife got to see you naked and all sorts of things we won't mention, I think I am entitled to kiss yours. Anyway, she likes me better than you. She always wanted me, didn't you Bella? You just settled because I was taken."

"You keep telling yourself that, Emm," she answered. Rose walked over and put her arm around me and kissed me.

"We could swap, I am kinda used to dark and broody and deep thinking by now. Makes a change from loud, and cheeky and schoolboy humor. I never heard a toilet joke or a penis joke, from Edward. I dare say he stopped saying them when he was ten, like most normal males," stated Rose.

"Speaking of penis jokes," said Emmett,"What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of a penis?"

"What,Emmett?" Bella asked, earning a scowl from Rose and I for encouraging him.

"A man! Want to hear another one?"

"No," all three of us chorused.

Emmett put Bella down and we helped support her between us as we walked through the ruins of the house we had lived in for five years. I was glad to see it destroyed, we would possibly never forget the bad days if it had stayed. A makeover would never be enough to remove the memories of the empty, cold, sad years.

"When's the building start?" Emmett asked.

"Next week, all being well. The clean up will take a few days and the plans are approved already, thanks to you," I answered.

"Never hurts to keep friendly with people in useful places," he answered.

"So, Rose, everything is ready for the wedding rehearsal ?" Bella asked.

"Only one thing left to decide. Which Cullen brother will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle," she joked.

"Sorry, Rose, I am taken, but Emmett is not a bad catch. And I am Best Man, I mean, truth in advertising and all."

"Ah, Edward, I really like you, you know. I feel like you are my best friend most days," Rose commented.

"But I am a lousy husband, don't forget that, you are betting on the right Cullen," I assured her. We were like best friends, we both knew so much about each others lives. When I couldn't talk any more, on the bad nights, the worst nights, Rose had talked instead and told me about her childhood and her life before Emmett, and her family. I probably knew as much about her as I knew about Bella.

We sat Bella down on a pile of tumbled river stones which had been delivered for the new build already and Rose sat beside her while Emmett and I picked through the rubble, finding small things unharmed by the rage of that night.I watched the two women together. Bella had her arms around Rose and was kissing her cheek. It touched me to see them so close, apart from my Bella, Mom and Alice, Rose was the woman I was closest to in the world.

I would find it hard if they didn't all get along. Rose had remained somewhat distant from Bella the last few years but I was sure that was more because she was there for me and never sure Bella and I would make it through. I guess she had been showing me she was on my side, my support system if it came to the crunch.

Alice had been the opposite. She adored Bella and was always there for her, so I never felt guilty about Emm and Rose being more mine than hers. Jas kept himself evenly in both camps, so we had stayed linked in with one another the whole time. I was grateful to all of them. We would have drifted apart and away had they not all gathered around and been our safe haven.

My parents had been there for Bella but had also visited me often at the big house, even in that first year of which I had few memories. My mother's arms had always been open and welcoming no matter how unresponsive I was. I wondered now where Bella was when they were visiting me. We had not seen each other for the whole first year. Neither had what it took to look at the other back then.

"Hey, look what I found," shouted Emmett, digging deeply beneath tin and rubble. In one hand he was holding up Lissy's nightlight. It was tattered and the bulb broken but it looked fixable.

I ran over gingerly between the chaos on the ground and took it gratefully.

Bella smiled and I took it to her and she cradled it in her arms. It was the one thing I would have wanted to find the most, had I thought about it.

Most of the walls were down , and everything was broken and jumbled everywhere around us. Bella grabbed my hand.

"Can you dig around near my old room, I had a box of stuff I would really love to find. It's a green metal lockbox, about so big," she indicated a size with her hands.

Emmett came over and we moved and tossed away broken furniture and the remains of her closet, and I jubilantly held the box up. It was scratched and dented but intact, still locked.

"Thank, you, Edward," she said softly as she took it from me and sat it with the lamp.

We didn't find a lot worth salvaging but Emmett found her Winter boots, untouched, and I shook them at her.

"If you had been wearing these, you probably would not have broken your ankle, you know," I growled. I had been angry how she refused to wear anything I bought her, I was doing my best in the limited way left to me to care for her even when she rejected me at every move. I ate the food she left out for me, I accepted her offerings, but a few nights I didn't eat, my own little unnoticed protest of her spurning me. She had washed and ironed my clothes but more out of needing to fill her day rather than out of any sense of needing to show she cared for me.

Maybe she had simply stopped caring all together.

We were getting back, I believed that. So long as we weren't put through anything else for a few years, I had hope we could be us again. The slightest setback may kill us and reverse any progress we have made, so I just prayed we had some smooth sailing for a while until we were back on safer ground. I had started using condoms with her, the times we locked her hospital room door to make love, the truth was even a pregnancy was more than we could endure at this point so we had to stop taking chances. I was relieved when her period started, it was not too late. We had never risked an unplanned conception before so I had feared we were already too late. Bella was clearly torn by the knowledge she was not pregnant but we were not ready yet. A baby was never a band aid to fix a broken couple, and we were still broken, just mending slowly at last. I didn't want another child until I could honestly say we were fixed, and ready, and had enough to offer what would probably be the last child we ever had. The thought of nine months of worry and stress, waiting to see if the baby was okay, alive, capable of surviving once the cord was cut, would be hard enough on a healthy relationship.

Rose and Emmett left and I sat with Bella on my lap from a distance as we watched the final destruction of the remaining skeleton of the wreck of our house.

She was weepy and clung to me and I was puzzled why, she hated that house as much as I did.

"What's going on?" I asked her, nuzzling her neck.

"Rose," she replied.

"What about her? She isn't getting cold feet?"

"She is having a baby. Emmett doesn't know yet so don't let on. She is telling him on their wedding night. She only told me because she wanted to soften the blow herself."

"Was that why you two were hugging each other? I was a little surprised to see you doing that," I stated.

"Oh, no, I was thanking her for being there and keeping you alive for me when I couldn't."

There was no answer to that. It was true but I hadn't been there for her, either.

I kissed her cheek and forehead and held her tightly.

"One day we will have another baby, Bella, I promise. But we are a million years from ready, you know that, right? It would not be fair to the baby or to us."

She clung to me and cried harder.

I hated not giving her what she wanted the most but we had to do this right. It would be utter madness to choose to give in to our longing. We can't replace Lissy or Michael, we need to be ready to want a baby for itself, accept it isn't them, and love it anyway.

Much as I know we both long for another little girl, she won't be Lissy. She may or may not look like her, act like her, but she won't be her. She will be her sister.

Maybe a boy would be safer. We knew so little of Michael, and he existed only in my memory, I had locked his image in my brain. His copper hair, his unseeing green eyes, his long fingers.

I don't think Bella even looked at him. I had felt very alone as I held him that one and only time, she had not responded at all when I asked her if she wanted to hold him, she had turned her face away.

I didn't blame her, it was too hard, for me as well. I was so overcome with grief for Lissy I didn't feel Michael's loss as much as I would have any other time. He had been short changed. In every way. Maybe that's why he hadn't even been born alive, maybe he knew we were too broken to care for him or even love him.

I would never knowingly put another child through that. We would wait and heal and be ready.

I carried her to the car and strapped her in, then collected our few treasures. Dr Black was in Bella's room when we got back. I carried her in and removed her jacket and lay her in her bed.

"Edward, I wasn't aware Bella was going out today," he opened with.

I stood and faced him.

"We were saying goodbye to our house, it was wrecked in the storm. The rubble gets removed today so we can start rebuilding. Bella drew up the new house and an architect polished it up and made it workable. She will have her dream house as fast as possible."

"That's nice," he commented, moving to her side and sitting on the chair beside her bed. He took her hand and gazed into her eyes.

"Are you okay, Bella? I imagine it was pretty emotional for you, letting go of the old. But it has to be done, to make way for the new."

I wasn't sure if I liked this man. He had better not be referring to me as the old. Bella wanted and needed me and I was not going anywhere.

"So, Edward, I am happy to do couple's therapy if you are interested, just ring my office but now I need to talk to Bella alone, so if you want to say goodbye..."

I leaned and kissed my wife and stroked her face,

"See you soon, sweetheart. I am going into the office for a few hours, then I will be back. I love you," I said for both her benefit and his.

Walking out was hard. My place in her life was not solid enough to feel cocky and be sure he couldn't get to her. I know what I saw in his eyes was love, he loves Bella. He loves My Bella.

I worked on a couple of tricky accounts and got as much done as quickly as I could but I wished I could have been a fly on the wall and been there to witness what the black haired doctor was saying to my vulnerable wife.

xxx xxx xxx

"So, Bella, what is your biggest issue with Edward, would you say?" Jacob asked, noting down her last answer. She was making progress, already. He could see she was a strong woman, broken and battered for sure, but her inner strength was there for all to see. She had not killed herself, many would have, she had stayed even though her life had been years of isolation and torture. He had tortured her. Maybe not intentionally but he was not good for her.

She may need therapy for the rest of her life. How much simpler if she was married to her therapist, not the man who had been hellbent on destroying her. No matter what she said, he was an expert, he could read between the lines.

Her husband had kept her locked away from other people, and she had probably bonded somewhat, to him. The old Stockholm syndrome. It wasn't love, though, of that Jacob was sure.

Over the two weeks she had been confined in here, he had spent many hours with her, letting her talk, offering support, getting to know her better, and unfortunately, letting her get under his skin.

He had never allowed that before. His relationships had always been well considered and thought out before he allowed anything to happen.

Was it a good idea? Was the girl good for him? Was she stable, happy, not seeking more than he offered?

Any sign of clingyness, need, desperation and he aborted the mission after the first drink together.

He was trained to know what people were really thinking and what they were seeking so the words they said meant little if he knew they were just a mask, a cover for something else.

He had shared the bed of a few women, but they were carefully chosen and well thought out decisions, he knew they wanted no more than he did, a bit of fun, a partner for the inevitible events he had to attend, a pretty girl on his arm for a set length of time.

He had seen too many people cowed and broken by marriage, that was not a path he had ever considered walking down.

Until now.

Even broken, even almost destroyed, Bella's personality and soul shone through and for the first time, Jacob imagined what it must be like to be in love. It was all academic before. Did love really exist? Was it simple a chemical reaction spurred on by lust and hormones? A charade, a trick Mother Nature inflicted on the susceptible and unwary to ensure the continuation of the species? By the time most people woke up and realized they had been duped, they had the couple of kids and the mortgage and there was no quick and painless escape hatch so many came to him and hoped he could regain that fairy story they had believed in from the start.

He obliged, he gave them hope and goals and recreated their dreams for them again and he waved them off when his sessions of persuasion convinced them they were back on track, and he always knew he was simply playing the game too, perpetuating the myth.

Love was not real.

It didn't exist.

Mother's bonded with their newborns because the creatures were small and needy and had those big, hypnotic eyes that pretended to return love to their parent. It was the only way to survive the early days. If the mother didn't care or bond, then the child could die so it needed her, and it smiled and kept eye contact and did every trick in the book to make her think she loved it. Then it grew and became a teenager and showed it's real contempt for the people who created it.

Jacob never wanted a child, so why were his dreams full of two small, dark haired children running along the beach at La Push, playing in the forest, being called in for meals by the woman in front of him?

Even when the one woman he had been duped by had announced her pregnancy, he had felt nothing toward the coming child. He had a son out there, somewhere, and he paid for the child's upkeep and needs and sent a dutiful check birthday's and Christmases but he had never laid eyes on the issue of his loins.

She wanted it, she refused to terminate the pregnancy, she kept it after it was born and could have been surrendered to a couple who wanted a child after rational thought and proper decision making.

So he was her problem.

He had supplied the DNA , albeit unknowingly and unwillingly, therefore he was legally obliged to support the kid, but no law could force him to see it, visit it, like it.

It was just a mistake, and he never allowed mistakes to blur his chosen path in life.

Bella spoke of her daughter like she had been the ultimate gift and blessing and that's where she made her biggest blunder.

She let the child inside her heart and the child had used that power to reduce her own mother to this broken bird in the bed. The shell, the empty vessel, all that remained.

She was filling up again lately, but slowly, and not without pain and regret and doubt.

Why would she even consider having another child?

Hadn't she learnt what they could do to you if you let them?

Well, she made a bad choice by choosing Edward as her mate, maybe she was all about bad choices.

Edward he understood completely without so much as talking to the man in any meaningful way. He had simply seen this woman, and known her value and taken her to be his. She was worth everything and despite their grief and tragedies, he was fighting to keep her because he knew her worth. He knew he was the luckiest bastard on the planet, to be the one she chose.

Jacob could not imagine what it would be like to be the one allowed to touch and kiss and sleep with her, in his bed, in his arms.

She had affected him as no woman ever had before, and he somehow found himself losing his professionalism that he prided himself so highly with.

He saw her twice a day for sessions, he listened to every word she uttered, and he had to remind himself he was not allowed to touch her, to wipe away her tears, to kiss her better.

But he longed to.

The decision to move to Africa and the coincidence it was a Meningococcal disease Belt Area and the batch of vaccine that the child received had been flawed and gone undetected so long, was tragic and had caused all the pain and grief.

Edward had done nothing wrong, it was Fate who pointed her spiteful finger and took away what they had, maybe because they had been too blessed? How could they find the right partner, the perfect soulmate, the only mate they had ever wanted, and then had the perfect child as well? That should have been their heads up. They had too much, their supply of good luck and joy was in the debit column in the bank of life. It had to be paid back, balanced again.

Two dead children, one almost dead relationship, the red side had been blooming, to make up for the black side's years of dominance and holding the winning hand.

You always have to pay.

Jacob had seen this so many times. Those who valued their offspring paid much more heavily than those, like him, who didn't allow their existence inside their so called 'heart'. The heart was a muscle, it didn't harbor thoughts and feelings, but he could be wrong.

He had never believed it could break, until he met Bella.

She was not imagining what she felt. Her heart, her emotional heart that Jacob had never bought into and admitted the existence of, was broken.

Yet she still lived on and held that broken thing together and looked to her husband, her unworthy husband, to help her mend it again.

And he was.

That was the truly galling part. It was like Edward had some control of her heart and had the power to mend it, even when Jacob's words did little.

He could tell when they had 'been together', she was stronger, happier, more hopeful, afterwards.

He had reported to the nurses he suspected Bella's husband was taking advantage of her sexually against his own instructions but it had been like spitting in the wind. He was still finding ways around their vigilance and sleeping with her. She had related tales of the many obstacles they had overcome in the past when they needed one another physically, and he had wondered what it would be like to have a woman like her crave your touch, your kiss, your body. You would climb the highest mountain or swim the deepest river to be allowed the honor of being with her.

She had been quite cheerful yesterday, today she seemed to have slipped a long way backwards.

"He doesn't think we should have another baby for a long time yet. He wants everything to be fixed first," she answered.

Jacob was actually glad of that, for two reasons.

Edward was right, she was not ready or nearly emotionally strong enough to have a baby yet.

But also, it would be a tie and a bond that remained for as long as that child lived. She would be tied to him again in a very real way and Jacob was not sure that was in her best interests. Why this pair had not just accepted they were done years ago was beyond him. Why they swum against the current and didn't let go and let the tide sweep them apart was a mystery. How good could their relationship have been, to withstand these tragedies? He could not imagine any love surviving those blows and the years that followed.

Some couples pulled together and became stronger for their experience, this pair had fallen apart but refused to give up completely.

A clean break would have been better, in Jacob's opinion. Sure, she would have grieved but as she was already in the deepest, worst grief for her lost children, his loss would have been much more minor by comparison.

He felt torn, though. He knew he probably had the power to pull them apart if he worked on Bella hard enough and convinced her to leave Edward for his own good. That was probably the only line she would swallow. Saying he didn't deserve her merely was met with contempt, she felt she was unworthy of him. Maybe if she thought Edward would be better off starting anew, maybe with a woman who could give him children soon?

On the other hand, Jacob knew he loved her and he knew he should want her happiness, and that meant playing fair and letting her choose. If she chose him over that man, it would be an amazing victory. Imagine knowing he did everything right and behaved absolutely correctly and fairly and she chose him!

It would be a somewhat empty victory if he manipulated her instead.

He had always, always done what was best for his clients, without prejudice, but then, he had never known what love felt like until he met this woman in the bed in front of him. If only Edward had not come to his senses and started to win her back. If only he had been her therapist from the start, without doubt she would be divorced, remarried to him, probably a mother again already.

He wrestled with his conscience and cursed that he possessed one at all. How much easier if guilt didn't exist. If he simply drove them apart then swooped in and fixed her. He could have fixed her far quicker than she would be fixed staying with her contemptible husband, who had treated her so badly for so long. If only... If only she had fallen and broken her leg a year ago when they were not even talking. The hospital stay could have become the bridge out of the house to a new life. He could have counselled her and easily proved Edward cared nothing for her back then, she knew it herself.

Jacob knew it was decision time and he knew he loved her too much already to do anything to harm her.

"Edward is right, Bella. You two have a long way to go and a lot of mending to do before you can have another baby. It would be a disaster if it happened too soon. He is only thinking of you, and your relationship, and the baby. You admit he always did what was best for Lissette. That's what he is doing now, he is trying to ensure you both do the best for the next child. Giving her two solid, stable parents in a healthy marriage. That's our goal, Bella. To fix you and Edward and have you two ready for that new little baby. We shall all work together to achieve this," he promised, and he knew he was doing the right thing, for her.

Not for himself, of course.

He was putting her first and doing what she wanted but if Cullen slipped up, along the rocky path ahead, all bets were off. One affair, one step out of line, one episode of emotional abuse and Jacob would be there, for her. Ready to point out, she had another option. Edward was not the only choice she could make. They were both lost in the woods at this stage, let's just see if they make it out together, or apart.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward was back the moment he finished work and grabbed some takeaway. Bella was sick of hospital food and he openly carried the bags of Chinese food she loved into her room and handed over the sweet and sour chicken and the special fried rice and the prawn crackers.

"Thank you," she exclaimed, grabbing the fork he offered and eating like the long distant Bella he had loved to surprise with this treat.

Why had he stopped? He could have made the effort, he knew he still loved her once the initial fog of grief had lifted and he had gone to bring her back to him. He had never intended letting things get so very bad. Somehow he had convinced himself if she was there physically, everything else would recover and return in time. But he had done nothing to help progress along.

He had ignored her, returned her hate with his own, even though it had always felt cruel and wrong, and he knew he was behaving badly. But he needed to punish someone and she had been there, right there, so vulnerable and unresisting. She had never screamed or fought or thrown anything at him, she had passively accepted his ire and seen herself as fully deserving whatever he handed out.

He had realized what he was doing and had withdrawn instead.

Pretended she wasn't there, wasn't worthy of acknowledgement, even as he slept on the hallway floor with his back pressed against her bedroom door and cried silent tears because she was so close but so very far away from him.

He was not surprised she thought he hated her but he had never felt hate, not for her.

For life, for the universe, for Fate, for God, yes, but never for her.

Even when he was ignoring her and treating her so badly, all he really wanted was a word or signal from her that she wanted him to show his love for her. Had she ever indicated in any way that she missed him, liked him just a little, forgave him his crimes, he would have swept her into his arms and worshipped her as she had always deserved.

Instead he felt her wall so he built his own, bigger, stronger, more impenetrable.

She rejected him in every breath she took, every look she declined to spare him, every accidental touch from him that she shrank away from.

He knew he didn't deserve her but it didn't stop him wanting her and longing to be allowed to be with her again.

Now he was making progress and he had to pinch himself every morning when he awoke to make sure this wasn't all some cruel dream.

Bella finished the last prawn cracker and leaned back against her pillows.

"That was awesome. If I had to swallow one more limp, half warm salad I was going to barf.

When are they letting me out?" she asked.

"Your doctor says you can go home anytime you want. It seems your other doctor, Dr Black, is the one insisting you need to stay and continue daily therapy. I can come home and drive you to his rooms once a day. It won't be a problem. We just have to find somewhere to live while the house is being built. Rose and Emm are willing and able to have us at theirs, but the wedding, and honeymoon..."

"So, they won't be there, what's the problem?" Bella asked.

"I have to go to work consistently, every day, while Emmett is away. There would be nobody at home with you. Alice and Jasper are willing to do whatever they can but their apartment has no spare bedroom since they converted it into a nursery. But Alice says she can come see you at Rose's every day, she just needs to arrange some permanent form of childcare for Ashley."

"The doctor is taking this humongous bitch of a cast off tomorrow and putting me in a walking cast, there's not a lot I can't do for myself once that happens. Sitting around Rose's apartment watching tv won't take a lot of effort, Edward. Or supervision. I can make my own lunch, cook dinner for us, I am not an invalid. And I like Ashley. Alice can bring her over and give me someone new to get to know. It's time, Edward. Other people have kids, we have to accept that. Ashley and Rose and Emmett's baby are part of our lives, all we get to choose is how we handle that."

"So, we accept Rose's offer and stay in their apartment? Do you want to leave tomorrow or are we staying to make life easier for Jacob Black? Personally I think he likes you a little too much.

I think he likes having you right where he can drop in for a chat whenever he feels like it."

Bella frowned and considered his words.

"We do have two hour long sessions of therapy each day and he does drop in when he has a coffee break and just chat. Is that weird? I just assumed he was friendly. Carlisle drops in whenever he feels like it. Is he moving back here permanently after the wedding, taking this new job at the hospital?"

"Carlisle is allowed to drop in, he is your father-in-law. I bet he doesn't drop in on any other patients apart from on his rounds and when he has to see them. Mom's opened the big house up, did you know? They are living there again."

"Good, it is time."

"I'm sure we could stay with them if you preferred. Mom would love your company and she could use some unbiased input about the redecorating."

Bella weighed up the idea.

"I don't know, I think we should stay at Rose's while she is away on her honeymoon then maybe go stay with Esme? What do you think? Let her get the wedding and painting and such done first?"

"Good plan, I shall tell them all tonight and come spring you from this joint tomorrow. What time is the cast coming off?"

"Nine a.m. Just after my first session with Jacob. Come get me then. We can do a runner if Admin are too busy to release me. I just want to get out of here. I want to sleep in my own bed again," she finished.

They both laughed at her words.

"You don't actually own a bed,and that leads me to ask, what the hell did you do with your mattress and how long were you sleeping on your floor? I am not even going to ask why."

"Alice and I dragged it downstairs and she paid the trash collectors to destroy it. And we tossed away the curtains and bed covers and...other things."

"Like...?"

"Pink fluffy slippers. My robe."

"Bella..."

"I know. We did it the day we got drunk so I never actually had to sleep on the floor."

"Only the sitting room floor but I guess you felt no pain that night. God knows how that whiskey didn't kill you."

"Oh, I knew I wouldn't die, all I wanted back then was to die. The universe was never kind , why would it let me go that easily? Mind you, that hangover... I did wish even more so that I was dead."

"How do you feel now, Bella?" he asked, taking her small hands in his larger ones.

"I don't want to die any more. I want to live and be with you. I want us to be fixed and be a family again. I am trying, Edward."

"I know you are, my love."

He kissed the top of her head and then removed the bag and Styrofoam containers into the trash and lay beside her, pulling her against his side and stroking her back.

"We are going to be just fine. We will make it, and we will be a family again one day. We will have a perfect child again, a little girl or boy whom we are ready for and have so much love to shower on. All that love we have leftover since we lost Lissy and don't get to hold and kiss her anymore. It will be good again, Bella. It will be awesome. Perfect."

"Maybe not perfect," she sighed.

"Okay, maybe we can never be perfect again but we can be damn close," he said as he leaned across and kissed her.

He would make their lives as near to perfect as possible. That was his pledge. he fell asleep with Bella in his arms and only left when the night nurse woke him and chased him away. He kissed Bella's forehead and lay a pillow in her arms so she wouldn't waken, and went to the car.

He would arrange everything with his family, and stay with them as Bella wanted.

xxx xxx xxx

Edward closed the car door and made his way to Admin to sign whatever was necessary to spring his wife today. He glanced at the clock, half past nine already. He was late. The woman behind the desk was wiping her eyes and he wondered how people found the strength to work in a hospital, with Death trying to grab away as many patients as possible.

"Oh Elsie, it's so sad. She was so young," said a nurse, walking up and hugging the older woman.

"What's happened?" Edward asked, more out of politeness than any real interest.

"Dr Tyler was removing a cast from a patients leg this morning and she dropped dead in front of him. Blood clot. It happens sometimes with leg casts, no warning, and taking the cast off let's it go free. Travelled from the leg to her brain or heart, just like that. She was a lovely woman, already had more than her share of troubles. What can we do for you, Mr...?"

**Review, are we killing her or not? I have never killed Bella.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry, that was a joke, the Bella comment! I will behave and yes, I know, I promised all HEA's here on Kismetian! (Otherwise The Lighthouse would be finished by now, I wanted to kill Edward in it. Now I have to think of another ending.)Oh, and everyone who said to give Edward a heart attack instead GO TO YOUR ROOM! No dessert!**

Unforgiven

Chapter 9

I stood absolutely still, frozen.

"Are you okay?" both the nurse and the sobbing Admin woman asked in unison.

"Bella?" I gasped.

"I'm sorry, what are you asking? Who are you here to see?"

"Bella, Bella Cullen," I choked out.

"Oh, she is waiting for you in the sun room, come this way."

I shook in relief but I had to see her with my own eyes. Bella was standing against the window, leaning her weight against it, talking and laughing to Dr Black, whom I shoved aside in my haste to hold her close.

"Bella, My God, I thought..."

"Edward, what's wrong?" she cried out immediately.

"Nothing, nothing at all," I said, running my free hand that wasn't clutching her body to mine, through her hair. She had washed it and it smelled divine.

"Your heart is racing, are you okay?" she asked gently.

"I am now. I was just worried. I didn't know where you were," I fudged.

Maybe she had no idea about the woman dying, she didn't need to hear about it. Her cast was gone, replaced by a dark blue walking brace so she had come through okay, she was the lucky one, for once.

"Well, see you tomorrow, 2pm, Bye Bella," said Dr Black as he walked away, watching my face as I held her close, unable to relax my hold yet.

Yes, I am a needy bastard, go fuck yourself , Doctor.

My God, if I had lost her...

I was suddenly incensed with myself. Those wasted years, I should have brought her home from my parents house and put her in my bed. Held her until she responded, whether it took days, weeks, months, years. Cried with her, for her, for me, for us.

I should have treasured her and held her close and assured her of my love. I would never make that mistake again. She had to always know she was my world, my reason for living.

"I love you Bella, you are my life now."

"I know, and I love you, Edward. Come on, let's get out of here. I don't want to come back until we visit Rose and her baby."

"Amen to that."

I drove her the long way, out past our land, where nothing now marred the ground. Piles of timber had arrived and men were measuring up and marking the ground.

"How long is it going to take?' she asked.

"I have paid for two crews, hopefully six or seven weeks, they will be working shifts, day and into the night. We need our own place, our own home where we can be together alone."

"Can we go down to the meadow for a minute?" she asked so I pulled in further off the road and helped her out of the car.

She was pretty good already at walking in the new brace and this one was no threat to her circulatory system. I carried her over the roughest patches and set her down near the brook. She trailed her fingers in the water and smiled at me.

"This is why we were meant to live here. This brook, this meadow. These flowers. It's so perfect. A little patch of perfection in an imperfect world."

"This is where I realized what an idiot I was and how much I truly loved you. That night you danced here in your nightie."

"Really, Edward? I am so happy you still love me."

"I always did, I just hid it well. Too well. I think as well as everything else, I was scared if I loved you openly you would be taken from me as well. So instead I tried to drive you away yet not let you go."

Bella stroked my cheek.

"Can they see us down here?" she asked.

I turned and looked and one workman waved at us. I waved back.

"Sadly, yes, bad girl. What were you planning on doing?"

"I don't know, maybe taking off my dress and maybe my panties and maybe my bra and laying here with you in the grass, and letting the wildflowers hide us."

"Maybe I can send them away for an early lunch. Stay here."

Nobody objected and they were gone in minutes, the money I handed out for their meal accepted with thanks.

There was no way I was ever missing any opportunity to be with my girl again.

We had no neighbors and nobody else was due to come here today so I stood and boldly stripped myself naked and Bella did the same where she was sitting. She unbuckled the leg brace and lay it aside.

The sun was very warm today, I put a toe in the water and it felt good, almost warm, maybe?

I walked into the water and held my arms out to her and she stood and hopped after me, and I caught her up and lowered her legs into the water. She was laughing and holding onto my shoulders tightly and I had to kiss her, how could I resist? I waded in deeper, the maximum depth was around four foot deep, enough to float and swim, and we touched one another and kissed and our bodies sought to be closer. Sex in water is not a good idea, we had no idea how clean the water was and forcing it inside Bella was not good so I pulled us out on the far side and lay on the grass with her straddling me.

She was happy and that's all I ever want for her, to be happy again.

She sat back and teased me with her hand, then stroked my eager dick as he became erect and wanted to play.

"Shit, wait, I will be right back," I said and walked through the water back to our clothes and dug a couple of foil packets out of my pants pocket.

Bella smiled a little sadly.

"Edward, don't you believe in fate? Whatever is meant to be, will be, anyway. We waited until we were married and settled in our new house, before we started Lissette. We conceived Michael without knowing what was happening. Babies turn up when they want to."

"Baby, if anything went wrong, we wouldn't have what it took to survive another loss. We need to wait."

"Edward, I don't think I will ever have what it takes to survive another loss, even if we wait for ten years. I need us to have hope that we can be a family again. I have been with a psychiatrist for over five years now. If we are not ready, when will we be? It takes nine months, you know."

"We are just back together, don't you want to build on that first? Don't you want some time being Edward and Bella again?"

"We are Edward and Bella. Nothing will change that. What if we miss our chance? What if something happens, you get some disease that leaves you sterile, or I get some infection and they have to remove my womb? I was booked in a 9am to have my cast taken off, and the doctor got in early so he did it in my room, and the woman who got my appointment in the treatment room died, Edward. Just like that. Her time was up. She brought her kids in with her, they were sitting in the waiting room while she got her cast off. Her husband died recently, she was their only parent and she walked in to a hospital and ordered the two boys to sit down and behave and next thing, they are orphans. We have no control but I want our baby to come when it's ready. I don't want to use condoms."

"Bella, baby, I love you so much, I just..."

"I know, and I love you. We are not new, we are renewed. We have been married over ten years, we have been together even if we weren't communicating. I love you, you love me, neither of us wants anyone else. We both need another child. Why can't she choose when she wants to come to us?"

I had no answers and what she said was true. Maybe our entire lives were written in some Heavenly book somewhere already and it made no difference what we chose to do.

I lay the foil packets on the grass and lay down, helping Bella straddle me again. We kissed and she stroked me to hardness and I pushed inside as she lowered herself onto me.

Whatever will be, will be.

Looking up and watching her face as she ground onto my pelvis, the sun caught the red highlights in her hair and made it shine and glisten in the sun. The water droplets were drying but being replaced by a slight sheen of sweat as we sought to be closer still. I was bucking out of control, watching my Bella's face as she felt me buried deep inside her was turning me on so much I was not going to last long and she knew. I was aware she was desperate, she wanted me to release before I came to my senses and insisted we use protection. The sun hit the foil packets and reflected colors, every color of the rainbow glistened and shone, and I ignored them and felt my wife grip me tightly inside her as her body sang in pleasure. I let go and filled her with my love and maybe started a child.

Bella fell down to my chest and our out of control hearts beat together, as we gasped for air and lay skin on skin.

"You know we will love this baby no matter what. Never will a baby be more wanted, more loved, more cherished. We know how precious babies are, we will be ready, I promise you," she whispered.

I believed her.

Maybe years at medical school teaches you the best options and the statistically most favored timeline but Bella needed this hope of a child to mend.

Maybe it's a mistake, who knows, but I love her too much to deny her anything. I had not exactly got anything right these last few years, maybe if I let her choose from now on, things would be better. We would love this baby. Even if it was being born right now, I realized, I would be thrilled and awed and love it and keep building everything back still with Bella and love them both on the journey. Making her watch Rose blossom and grow her baby would be too cruel unless she knew our baby was welcome whenever it wanted to come. We would be ready.

I rolled her beside me on the grass and hovered over her.

"As always, you are right. We are different now and stronger, and we are back. We trust one another, what reason is there really to wait. I guess if it's not the right time, the baby won't come yet anyway. But if it knows already how much we love it, it will come live with us, love, soon. I can't wait."

"Neither can I, Edward, I have to be a Mom again. I can't be me unless I am a Mom as well."

"I know, baby, I know. Ever since Ashley called me Dadda, it's all I have wanted, other than to have you back like this. We are parents, and parents without kids, it just isn't right or fair. There is a big hole waiting to be filled and only our baby can fill it, no matter how much therapy and help we get. I love you, I love this baby, we are going to be okay, great, almost perfect."

Bella picked a single bloom and lay it on her belly and I kissed her breasts as I lowered my body inside hers again.

"What's this flower called?" she asked as we lay cuddling in post orgasmic bliss.

"**Caltha leptosepala, Mountain Marsh Marigold****," I answered, twirling the small yellow flower in my fingers.**

"Her middle name should be Marigold then," Bella decided.

"Unless 'she' is a boy," I cautioned.

"Okay, unless it's a boy. Then his middle name will be Marshall. But it's a girl. I can tell."

I kissed her again, my lips would never be able to kiss her enough.

xxx xxx xxx

"Bella, are you ready, love?" I called again. We had to go, now, the Best Man has to be early and ensure the groom is on time. I needn't have worried, Emmett was there, sitting with Jasper at the back room of the church, singing quietly as Jasper strummed.

"Hey, bro, way to be calm and unruffled," I said, sitting beside them.

"What do I have to be ruffled about? Rose and I have been together forever. This wedding is simply a public confirmation of what everyone always knew. I love Rosie and she loves me. We are a forever couple. It's just photos on the wall to show our kids some day, why we are doing this."

I remembered feeling much the same when I married Bella. We knew what we knew, the wedding was just the declaration in case anyone else doubted what we felt and I had needed to know she was mine forever. I needed God to know that and bless us.

"Get out there, it's time," said Alice, holding her blue bridesmaid dress up out of the way of her ridiculously high heeled shoes. Bella was the other bridesmaid, Rose had decided late in the piece to show her faith in us by asking her to be in the wedding party, something she would not have done six months ago.

We men stood together at the front and turned to watch the beautiful women walking towards us down the aisle. Alice was first, with baby Ashley on her hip, in her pink Flower Girl dress. She had no flowers to hold because at this stage, anything in her hands went straight into her mouth.

Then came the most beautiful sight since she walked down the aisle to me, all those years ago. My Bella, so beautiful in her royal blue dress, walking slowly and carefully, smiling at me like we were the ones this day was for.

Then came Rose, looking amazing, all in white, which Alice had thought hilarious and Bella had indignantly pointed out, Rose was a virgin until she met Emmett, and it was impossible to keep oneself pure until the wedding when one was with a Cullen brother. I couldn't stop smiling, the girls all looked amazing. I blinked quickly when my eyes and brain were fooled by the rays of sunlight pouring through the upper stained glass windows, caused a flashing, flickering effect, it was as if I was seeing a child was walking down the aisle, a girl in a pink dress, dropping pink rose petals in her wake.

I gasped and looked up, I thought nobody else had noticed anything but Alice was looking a little surprised, and when my eyes met Bella's, she had tears pouring down her cheeks and she nodded once at me. She had seen it too. Some illusion, some trick of the light, we both imagined our daughter was skipping down that aisle as well, for one split second.

The ceremony was soon over and my Bella walked into my arms and we clasped hands together as we walked down the aisle behind the bride and groom.

"Did you see her? Did you see Lissy in that church?" whispered Alice urgently to us.

Bella smiled at her and touched the top of Ashley's head.

"Why wouldn't she be here, she loved weddings," she said, leaning in to kiss the baby's face.

Jasper walked away with Alice and his baby daughter and Esme approached and handed Bella a single perfect pink petal.

"This was in the aisle, it seemed to want me to give it to you," she shrugged. I heard the whisper as she leaned in close to Bella's ear. "It's from Lissy."

We all looked at the bouquets the girls held. Red roses, white tiny baby's breath, purple irises. No pink roses anywhere in sight.

Bella tucked the petal into her bra and led me outside, and we did the photo posing thing and finally got to dance at the reception.

"I know I'm pregnant. That's why Lissy was there today. She is coming back to us."

I stood still and gaped at her.

Shit, it was too soon. I should never have agreed to this.

"Bella, even if you are pregnant, it isn't Lissy, love."

"It is, Edward. Just wait, I am right," she answered happily, not bothered by my lack of belief in her words.

We continued dancing and I desperately looked around for my father. I wanted to ask him if this was some sign Bella was not doing as well as it seemed. She had to sit out a lot of the dances as the brace was tiring to carry around at the best of times, so I sat with her. She kept her fingers entwined with mine and smiled endlessly, so happy in her delusion. After a while, she went to the ladies room with Alice and I took the opportunity to grab my father and quickly explain my concern.

"Edward, I saw Lissy as plain as day in that aisle today, didn't you see her? I don't care what's possible or impossible, I just got my faith back." He clapped me on the back and accepted a drink from the tray carried by a passing waiter and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's not all explainable, Edward. Science can not answer every question. Maybe there is more and you just have to believe in miracles. Bella does."

I took a drink myself and wavered between wanting to believe and wondering if my whole family needed the services of Jacob Black.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella nonchalantly handed me the plastic stick and kissed my forehead. I had insisted she take a test and had bought the kit myself.

"I'm going to look at maternity jeans, they are so comfy, I should have kept that denim pair I wore my whole first pregnancy," she mused.

"How about you wait to see it this turns positive or not?" I suggested, checking my watch.

"It takes three minutes, you can wait three minutes, surely."

"I know I am pregnant, and I know the baby is a girl. So, bye, I shall give the plastic a workout."

The door closed behind her and I shrugged.

Two faint lines. Darker now.

"Two lines indicate you are pregnant" said the writing on the box.

"Congratulations, Bella, you were right," I said to the empty room.

I couldn't just sit here and not tell her. I grabbed my car keys and headed off for the Mall. Sure enough, there she was, in Blooming Gorgeous, buying several pairs of maternity jeans.

"Guess what, you are pregnant," I whispered as I stood beside her and put my arm around her waist.

"I know," she answered, frowning like I was being ridiculous.

"The test was positive, you are really, truly pregnant."

"Edward, of course I am 'really, truly pregnant'. There was never any doubt."

She smiled and signed the sales docket and handed me the bag of jeans to carry for her.

"But it's confirmed now, scientifically," I insisted.

"And are you getting the air analyzed to make sure there is really oxygen in it?" she asked.

xxx xxx xxx

I sat beside the examination table and watched the screen carefully.

Carlisle was discussing with my wife whether single sex schools were better for girls than the other co-ed variety and he moved the transducer across and showed us the tiny face.

"There, isn't she just as pretty as ever?" he commented.

"I believe you have to check the other end to determine the gender," I advised him.

"Edward, we know it's a girl," Bella chided me.

"You think you know it's a girl, I would like to medically know," I answered.

Carlisle shrugged at Bella.

"I guess he has always been a man who needs proof of everything. He never accepted anything we told him as a child until we backed it up."

He started scanning the baby's lower end and showed me the female genitalia on the screen.

"Happy now, there's the proof," Carlisle scoffed.

"Well, as far as I know, mother's intuition is somewhat unreliable and not carved in stone," I retorted.

"Bella always knew it was a girl and the very day she was conceived, oh doubting Thomas. In a meadow I believe, during a display of sex in public. That's actually against the law, you know," my father pontificated.

"Nobody saw us and it was on our own property," I defended myself.

"So, you are having a girl, like Bella told us all weeks ago. When are you going to start believing your wife?" he changed the subject.

"When she gets a medical degree," I answered.

xxx xxx xxx

Bella was a new woman since that day in the meadow. She had calmed down, cheered up, gotten straight back into life. She was my old Bella again, like she had been years ago.

The lost years were wiped away and she seemed to have forgotten they ever existed.

She shopped and chose curtains and furniture and excitedly told me what she wanted in each room.

The light fittings were chosen and purchased before the roof was even on.

Her kitchen was planned and drawn up to the finest detail. White painted wood, glass fronted cabinets, hutch, table in the far end of the room, breakfast bar in the middle, racks to hang pots and pans from above.

Tiles were chosen with great care, dinner plates that co-ordinated with the room colors, it was her fulltime job getting everything perfect.

Her days were full and she always had a lot of exciting news by dinnertime.

Rose and Emmett had wanted us to stay on when they got back from Hawaii, so we extended our time there by two weeks, but Esme refused to consider us changing our minds about moving in with her and my father, so we went there next.

My Mom and Bella were like mother and daughter, and Mom explained the reasons this fabric was better, more hard wearing, whatever and Bella listened and learned and they shopped and discussed furniture and window treatments.

But at night time, Bella was all mine and she expected me to make love to her morning and night, it was our new routine. One I loved and definitely approved of and put into action.

She saw Victoria once a month but that soon stopped, she seemed to have truly moved on and had no need of her any more.

Jacob Black sealed his own fate when he reacted badly to the news of our pregnancy. He advised Bella to abort and she stood up and left his office and never went back.

He left phone messages for a while, but she deleted them without listening to what he had to say.

I sent him a Thank You basket and a final check and a warning to back the hell off and desist contacting Bella and he complied.

She had what she needed all along, a new start with me, and our new baby. She just wanted our old, happy life back.

The nursery was going to be an explosion of pinkness, with a blue ceiling covered in fluffy white clouds. All white furniture , the same as throughout the house, she wanted no other kind, so we hunted and found exactly what she pictured in her mind.

Then it was done, finished and we moved into our new little cottage and life really was good again. Almost perfect.

As perfect as our lives could be now.

Bella was only worrying in one single respect.

She still insisted the baby inside her was Lissy.

Coming back to give us another chance to love her and parent her again.

xxx xxx xxx

Carlisle moved the transducer over Bella's belly and stood back, smiling broadly. Seven and a half month's pregnant and everything was going swimmingly. I moved closer to the screen and watched the 3D image as we saw our new daughter's face from every angle.

"Oh look, she has that little fold on her left earlobe like Lissy had," I said, without thinking.

Carlisle and Bella looked at one another and laughed.

"What? Are you both crazy? She is Lissy's sister. She is bound to look like her and have some shared characteristics. You pair are just spooky. And Dad, stop being Bella's enabler. Please."

"Of course, son. Bella, you are delusional, and everyone else is as well, except Edward, therefore he is right and we are wrong. Understand?"

"I understand, Carlisle. Thanks, can I have some stills? I want to put them in Lissy's "sister's" album. I never thought to ask for them last time I was expecting her. I was always sorry."

"Honestly, you two, you make me feel like some scene from 'Rosemary's Baby', you are both whacked in the head."

"Edward, that was an awful movie, take it back," Bella demanded, her lower lip trembling.

"Okay, okay, sorry. I didn't mean that." I kissed her forehead and ran my thumb across her lip to calm it as I cradled her face.

I followed Carlisle out of the room while the nurse cleaned Bella's belly and got rid of the sticky gel.

"Dad, stop it. I don't understand why you, a medical professional of all people, plays along with my wife's delusion."

"Fine, Edward. Whatever you say but when I touch her belly, I feel Lissy. I think Bella is right, I believe as she does that your daughter is coming back. And you will not be taking her to any exotic locations. I think you have been given fair warning. Sell that damned house in Africa, you have never been back there, it's bricks and mortar."

"It's mud and straw and a shitload of sweat, actually. I already donated it to the World Wildlife Fund, they use it to observe game at the river. I signed it over years ago."

"Good. Now I will be checking on every batch of vaccine and having them checked here in the hospital again before we inoculate this baby. There will be no slip-ups on my watch. We will do the right thing by Lissy this time, no matter how obsessive it seems we are being. I can take the criticism and looks."

I shook my head, all completely loony.

Bella walked out and kissed Carlisle goodbye.

"I am going to that baby shop in Port Angeles with Alice. You remember that white hail spot muslin dress with the pink smocking embroidery we brought Lissy home from hospital in, the same woman who made it is sewing again for the baby shop and I am getting it remade for Lissy, she always looked so pretty in it."

Of course.

"Bella, when she turns two, don't cut her bangs, you regretted that last time and they took ages to grow out," Alice chimed in.

"Oh, of course. I forgot. Remind me again on her second birthday. I remember I did it the day after the party."

They walked to Alice's car and strapped the toddler into the car seat. I wondered if I was being a responsible uncle, letting two insane women take that child anywhere with them. Bella waved and blew me a kiss and I got in my car and when back to the office, glad for the sanity break

Who would ever have thought Emmett would be the most rational and normal member of my family?

When this baby arrives and is different to Lissy, I for one shall sigh with relief and they will all be wanting to dye her hair and make her a Lissy clone. And I shall stop them.

"I know I owe you like years of extra hours but be warned, I am taking six months off when this poor baby is born, to protect her from the coven of witches our family has turned into," I warned Emmett, seriously.

"No problem, bro. So long as you fill in for me the six weeks I take off, starting in about eight minutes."

"What?"

"Rose is in labor and she wants me there from the start, so I am off. Goldsmith's will be in at two, Taylor and Burn's want an update, it's all in their file, and tell Wentworth what he wants is not doable, unless he doubles his budget. If he does, it's very doable. See you later, I hope to be a daddy next time we meet."

I shook his hand and clapped him on the back.

Lucky him, he got the normal wife and was about to meet his normal son. I got the loony wife and the daughter who was possibly a reincarnation of my first child. According to everyone else.

xxx xxx xxx

Emmett rang and announced the safe arrival of Baby Roman Emmett Cullen.

Eight pounds five ounces, so not as large as Rose had feared.

Quick labor, four hours from start to finish, quick delivery.

"Three pushes and he was out. He is all boy, Edward."

I congratulated him and refused to brood about my own son's birth.

Maybe I would never have a living son but I had a son, once.

I ordered flowers to be delivered to Rose's room and called Bella to tell her the good news.

"Roman?" she asked.

"Yes, it's sort of after Rose, Rose's little man," I repeated what Emm had explained,

"Okay. Cute. I guess we had better go visit?"

"I will be home soon. We don't have to stay long, Rose will be tired."

Bella was nervous, having not been near a maternity hospital for years and I held her hand. Rose and Emmett were great, not pushy, they let Bella just look and didn't try to force her to hold the baby.

I asked if I could, and I sat beside Bella and showed her his face and his enormous hands and feet. She looked okay, a little scared, but we managed to pull off the proud aunt and uncle and left soon after.

"You did great," I assured her in the car.

"Maybe I should have held him. Was I rude not asking to?"

"Everybody understands, Bella. Nobody has ever expected as much from you as you demand of yourself. I am sure you will hold him sometime in the future, when you are ready."

xxx xxx xxx

The women were out buying gifts for the baby boy and I was at home alone, puzzling out my latest challenge.

I had ruled out any possibility of naming this baby any name that could be shortened to Lissy. No Melissa, or Calista, or Alissa.

Or Felicity.

Bella was evasive to what name she had in mind but some of the blankets had an "F" embroidered on them so I had searched the web for hours, and concluded it must be Felicity she had in mind.

I was laying on the couch idly watching television when Bella finally came home and dropped a dozen parcels on the coffee table.

"I am so tired. That sister of yours could shop for America in the Olympics."

"You have always known that. Don't go pretending otherwise."

I placed my hands around her waist as she sat on the edge of the sofa beside me and pulled her down so she was lying flat as well. The baby kicked at my hands so I rubbed circles on the skin covering her. She kicked more gently and I started humming some lullaby that had appeared in my head, unbidden.

"She always loved that," Bella said.

"What?"

"You were humming the lullaby you wrote for Lissy on your piano."

I shrugged.

Coincidence.

It had been so long ago I had honestly forgotten.

"Bella," I asked, needing to distract her from one of her reborn/reincarnation conversations.

"Hmm?"

"I found that green lockbox you asked me to search for in the rubble of the old house. Can I see what is in it?"

"Sure."

She handed me her keys and I slid the box closer from where it sat on the coffee table.

"Sit up. Well, sit me up," she asked and I laughed. I adore her when she is all pregnant and can't move much. It must be an act because she sure can still move very well in bed, when she is racing and writhing to achieve an orgasm.

I sat us both up and she opened the lid as I turned the key.

Photographs.

Photos of us at high school.

Snaps people took of us at our wedding.

Lissy in the hospital nursery having her mugshot taken at one day old.

Her little pink wristbands.

Baby Girl Cullen (Swan).

The tiny thin ribbon tied in a bow with some kind of white Velcro on the back, it had been put in her hair for the photo.

A little cotton top that tied at the back of the neck with a ribbon. The first piece of clothing she had ever been dressed in.

Her going home dress, in a plastic baggie.

Her cot tag and a cloth tag that had been pinned to her clothing.

A birth certificate printed with baby animals colorfully around the edge.

Lissette Marie Cullen.

Mother: Isabella Marie (Swan) Cullen.

Father: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.

Cards, from friends and family, the type that come on flowers from a florist.

The final thing was a sealed envelope addressed to Bella and I.

It had an African stamp on the front so I knew what it was. Birth and Death certificates. If she had ever opened these, she would have known his name.

"Open them," I said quietly.

She frowned and hesitated.

"I just want you to read his name," I assured her.

She slit the envelope open with her finger and took out the two sheets of paper.

Plain severe forms, announcing the birth details and death details of Michael Carlisle Cullen.

Bella went to put them back and stopped, dropping them on the table, putting her fingers inside the envelope and pulling out two small photographs.

He had been stillborn, he had never had that healthy rosy coloring babies have once they scream and breathe.

She held the small pictures in her hand and looked at me.

"I didn't know they took photos of him," I answered the look she was giving me.

One was full length, his whole body, and he seemed at peace, just as though he was sleeping. He had been washed , someone had washed the blood away. Baby Cullen was written on his chest.

The other photo was just his face. His eyes were closed and his skin was ashen and pale, as it would be. His hair was thick and untamed , a wild haystack of copper.

His long black eyelashes rested on his cheeks. His mouth was like Bella's, I had not noticed. He had her pouty full bottom lip and her slightly uneven top lip.

She put a hand to her mouth and sat there gazing at the photos for a long time.

"What color were his eyes?" she whispered.

"Green," I answered, sad I had never told her.

"We should frame these," she said, walking into the bedroom with them.

I followed and helped her undress and get into bed. She seemed a little shocky.

I made her tea with a lot of sugar and helped her drink it and she fell asleep in my arms.

xxx xxx xxx

Next morning she woke early and wriggled from my embrace to waddle to the bathroom.

"Edward," she screamed suddenly and I flew into the bathroom.

"I think my water broke."

"Is there any bleeding?" I asked.

"No, but I was peeing then there was this sudden gush of liquid from somewhere. Not my bladder."

"Okay, don't panic, I will ring Carlisle."

Bella stayed perched on the toilet, too afraid to move and Dad advised we meet him at the hospital and told me not to worry. The baby was at most, five weeks early.

Bella was pale all the way in the car but Carlisle and Esme greeted us at the door and helped Bella into a Treatment Room and he announced it was something and nothing. A tear in the sac, but it seemed to have healed.

He wanted Bella to stay in for a day or two, just to be safe and he had a nurse attach her to a fetal monitor so the baby's heartbeat echoed around the room they put her into.

It was an unexpected development but when Bella asked to stay until the birth, my father agreed it could be a good idea and I admit, I was relieved. My nightmares had returned as this pregnancy ended and I didn't want to have to deliver another child alone, with no idea what I was doing.

No doubt Bella would be bored and restless and need a lot of visits but it was better this way. We both liked the comfort of the equipment and staff and Rose stopped in on her way home with baby Roman.

Bella looked at me and I nodded.

"May I please hold him, Rose?" she asked.

Rose agreed immediately and lay her son into Bella's arms.

I was so proud as she took the baby and held him tightly.

After they left, I cuddled up close, and lay beside her as she rested.

"I never thought I would ever handle doing that, Edward." she said, hours later but I knew she had been thinking about it the whole time.

"But you did, and you were amazing," I answered, kissing her hands.

xxx xxx xxx

**BTW Before anyone whinges about the lack of real lemons, my husband is home sick with the flu, so I cannot write lemons with him sitting here beside me...that would be too weird, though he does know where I get my details from,lol! (He would freak if he read Row 61, it's so close to the story of us).**


	10. Chapter 10

Unforgiven

Chapter 10

"Edward, you need to get down to the hospital now, you will miss the delivery if you don't move your ass," Rose said, grinding her teeth. Where the fuck was he? He knew this pregnancy was a day by day thing and although it was eleven days early, the baby was about to make it's entrance. Carlisle and Esme were here, Emmett had decided to babysit baby Roman and Ashley, Alice's toddler, at home, Jasper was manning the video camera in the corner of the room, shooting so he had Bella's thigh side on and the private areas were not on show, she may wish to show this to someone one day.

Alice wiped Bella's brow again and smiled. She was freaking out inside, the way these two spoke this was probably the only baby they intended having and if Edward missed the birth...

She had left six messages on his phone and Rose had left maybe a dozen.

The door clattered open and a bedraggled Edward ran inside.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Rose demanded, as though it were her husband being errant and missing in action. "Do you know how many times I called you?"

"I got all your messages but the car was involved in a minor bingle and I had to walk, run, until a kind lady gave me a lift and trusted I wasn't some serial killer. Living out there in the sticks seemed like not our best thought out idea today."

"Are you okay?" Bella gasped, as another contraction hit.

Alice and Rose each held a hand and let her squeeze the living daylights out as she cried out in pain.

"Can't you do something, give her something?" Edward barked.

"She wants it to be a natural delivery and wants to feel this baby come into the world. It's not as bad as it looks," Alice assured him.

"It...fucking...is," gasped Bella.

Edward plowed his hands through his hair and looked frantic. Esme was beside him, rubbing his shoulders and trying to calm him down. He had only gone home to shower and change his clothes and he had expected to be gone less than an hour. Now it was five hours later and Bella had started about ten minutes after he left.

Nobody had worried at first, he would be right back, he always came right back. After the first hour passed, they started phoning. Jasper had driven out and back, along the road three times.

He didn't ask where Edward had really been, he knew there would be an innocent explanation.

"Okay, we need a really big push, Bella," said Carlisle, assisting with the delivery.

"Help me, Edward," Bella cried and he overcame the fear and rushed to her side, taking the hand Alice handed over to him.

Bella bore down and grunted as she pushed, and everyone waited to see if it worked.

"Okay, we need you to really concentrate, Bella. Edward is fine, he is here now, and you have to concentrate fully on what needs to be done. Hold her up, you two, and Bella, grasp your thighs and really push hard, ready? Big breath. Push."

This went on for another ten pushes and Carlisle caught Dr Fleming's eye. No progress at all.

The heart monitor on the baby pounded out the regular 120 to 160 beats each minute and everything looked okay but Carlisle was extra cautious and vigilant, knowing how precious this baby was.

"Okay, maybe we can try something else." He grabbed a long, thin towel and handed one end to Bella and told her to pull on it as hard as she could. He held the other end and pulled away from her, like a game of tug-of-war. The baby's head crowned on the first attempt and he grinned victoriously.

"Up this end, Edward. Ready everyone?" he asked.

"Hellz yeah," answered Rose, as they all laughed. It was as if Emmett was in the room with them, almost.

Jasper moved in closer and Alice and Rose flanked Bella's sides as Carlisle ordered the final push, and he stood back and let Edward catch the emerging body. He had discussed this at length with the ob/gyn and explained about the tragic delivery Edward had been forced to participate in, and he desperately wanted to erase that memory and replace it with a joyful one.

Both professionals were right there, Carlisle could grab him and move him aside in an instant if need be, and the ob could take over, but it wasn't necessary, and Edward stood dumbfounded at the wriggling child in his hands.

"It's a girl," he whispered, as if it had been a secret until this moment.

Carlisle grinned widely and Edward gingerly held the baby up so all could see her.

"Lay her on Bella and cut the cord," Carlisle instructed.

Edward gently lay his daughter onto her mother's body and took the scissors as Carlisle clamped the cord and showed him where to cut.

"Well done, now get up the other end and go meet your daughter."

Bella was oblivious of the placenta being delivered, all she could see was the baby on her chest. The nurse had thrown a warmed blanket over the torso and was clearing her airways but the healthy screams laid aside any doubts she was breathing alone.

"Alive," said Edward, dazed as Rose guided him into a chair she had pushed beside the table.

His hands hovered over the baby.

"Touch her, Edward," Bella said.

He gently picked her up and Rose helped get her wrapped warmly and the nurse pulled a cap over the messy hair. He held the infant at arm's length and gazed at her face.

He shook his head and laughed.

"Wrong color eyes, she isn't Lissy," he said, relieved. He had not really bought into the madness but it was still a relief.

"Show me," demanded Bella, reaching out for the child and checking her eyes as they gazed at her own.

"Slate, Edward, all babies start with slate eyes."

"Michael didn't," he said.

Silence filled the room.

"He didn't, he had green eyes, really emerald green eyes."

"That's possible," Carlisle confirmed."Edward's eyes were bright green at birth. It is more usual for the eyes to be blueish/grey but there are variations. If you hold her up to the window, you may see specks of her true color."

Edward walked to the other side of the bed and took the baby and held her in the window light.

"Nope, can't see any flecks."

Bella was holding her head in her hands.

"I can't remember what color Lissy's eyes were at birth. Nobody really cared. I wish I could remember."

Edward handed the baby back to her and put his arms around his wife.

"It doesn't matter, Bella, she is our baby daughter and Lissy and Michael's sister, it doesn't matter what color her eyes are."

"She looked like she had the same hair," Bella said.

"They all had the same hair, it improved over time with Lissy, don't panic," he laughed.

"I'm sure, I was so sure,..." Bella started.

"Bella, let it go. She is her own self. Let's love her for being ours, not worry about if she is or isn't like anyone else."

He stroked his wife's cheek and she nodded.

"We promised," she said softly.

"We did," he confirmed. "Now, what's her name? I have been puzzling this out for ages. Felicity?"

"Felicity?" answered Bella, frowning. "No, it's Faith, of course."

"Of course," he replied. Suddenly it seemed like the only suitable name.

"Faith Marigold," said Bella, winking at him.

"Marigold? That's kind of old fashioned," said Alice.

"Do you want to know why Marigold?" asked Edward, his eyes twinkling.

"Eeew, I don't think so, I have a feeling it's one of those stories only Emmett would appreciate."

xxx xxx xxx

Carlisle walked silently down the hallway and paused at his daughter-in-laws doorway and watched his son, sitting in the dark, holding his new daughter and crying his eyes out. He knew it had to happen, the whole birth was bound to take Edward back to that other delivery, and he had never had a chance to really say goodbye properly to Michael. The baby had been taken by the ambulance team and neither he nor Bella had seen him again, then Edward had collected his ashes and those of Lissy, and that was it, all over.

But the emotional release had never happened, he had grieved too long and hard for his daughter whom he had known for almost four years and barely thought of the boy that he had merely held for a few minutes after death. It wasn't the same. It was still tragic and Carlisle suspected regardless of the gender of this new baby, the absence of a child of the other gender would be acute. It wasn't that they were replacing Lissy by having Faith but they were creating a family again, and they had a new daughter but now Edward would have to feel the absence of his son.

He waited and watched until Edward wiped his eyes and kissed the baby's head and placed her back in the bassinett beside a sleeping Bella, then he walked over and put his arms out to his son and held him like he had wanted to when the children had died.

Edward had not been ready then, he had rejected all physical contact for years and had been afraid to even touch Bella in passing, let alone in any intimate way, but those days were gone, Thank God.

Edward walked into his father's arms and the two men stood there in the dark and thought about the small stillborn boy who would have let them relive their own childhoods, the boy they would have played sport with and taught to fish and taught about girls one day.

So much lost and stolen away from them both.

xxx xxx xxx

Taking home a baby after such a long gap since the last was daunting, and Bella and Edward both felt very much like first time parents. Edward had put a wooden cradle beside their bed, on his side, so he could scoop the baby up in the night to assist Bella feeding her. He wanted to be totally involved.

The first night was the worst. They went to bed early and Edward pretended to sleep so Bella would sleep, and he lay there listening to the sound of the baby breathing quietly beside him.

"Is she breathing?" Bella asked, out of the blue.

"Yes, I can hear her breathing," he replied in a whisper.

"Are you going to lay there listening all night?" she asked.

"Probably," he replied.

"I love you, Edward," she said , rolling over and finally going to sleep.

He lay there for hours, watching them both, hoping this time they would be lucky.

He drifted off just minutes before Faith woke screaming for another feed.

Edward groped around, pulling the blankets off himself, wondering what happened, where he was, then he picked her up and shook Bella who was snoring lightly.

"Hmm?" she muttered.

"Meal time," he said.

"I'm not hungry," she replied, rolling away again.

"Not you, meal time for the baby."

"Baby? Baby!" She sat up and took the infant and helped her latch on tight and leaned back against the pillows.

Bella was soon asleep so Edward changed sides when it became obvious that side was done, then he rubbed Faith's back and got the wind up before settling her back in the cradle.

Bella slept on, oblivious, so he slid her body down again and cuddled her closely.

Just need to shut my eyes for a minute, he thought...waking when the next four hours had passed.

Clearly they had to have faith. Do all they could, but have faith she would keep breathing in the night. He knew already their fates were written in the stars and there was no changing anything, so he gave up, and slept when his girls slept. And supervised night feeds, which both girls tended to drift off from in the middle of.

He slept during the day, at first, whenever he got the chance but soon Faith slept longer, six or seven hours at night, and he got back to normal.

Bella was regaining her strength and he made sure she slept and relaxed and didn't lift a finger that someone else could lift for her. The women dropped in meals, cleaned, washed their clothes, Alice shopped for their groceries, baby needs, clothes, more clothes, a million baby dresses with matching bonnets and shoes and frilly pants and sox, the men sat around, mowed the grass, chatted with Edward if Bella and Faith were asleep, and he started to relax gradually.

Life was back to where it had been before, all those years ago. He was married to the woman of his dreams and he had a perfect daughter and he could not ask for more.

He watched Emmett play with his little son and he tried not to feel envy. He felt as if half the world was shut to him. All things girlie were once again part of their daily lives but he still felt the chasm Michael's passing had opened and it made itself felt every day, but he tried to ignore it and just enjoy being a father again, which was the best feeling ever.

Being back with Bella was how it was always meant to be, but being a father again was such a bonus, and he loved little Faith with all his heart, well, all of the second heart that had grown in his chest the night she was born.

That had been the most intense night of his life, after that other, despicable night.

He had gone home to shower and change but he knew the birth was fast approaching and felt the need to go to his parent's house and spend some time in their garden and talk to his daughter and thank her for sending her sister to them, and to speak to his son and tell him how much he missed him and how he wished he could have had even just a little time to know him.

Then he was so lost in the feelings he managed to swerve off the road and hit a tree, but luckily he was driving so slowly he was never hurt at all, and had run until a car had pulled up beside him and a lady had offered him a lift.

He would have been devastated to miss Faith's delivery, so he thought of that woman driver as some kind of guardian angel, sent to make sure he got to the hospital on time.

Life went on, that was always the hardest thing to accept and understand. Even when his world had collapsed and died, birds still sang, people still fought about petty nit picking problems like their partner buying the wrong cereal or forgetting to wash the socks, and he had stood and listened and wondered what the hell was wrong with them.

His PA in the office had left her husband because he no longer made any romantic gestures towards her, and he had wanted to slap her silly and tell her to wake up to herself and appreciate the man, maybe make some romantic gesture to him.

He had assumed all romance was gone from his life and when he finally lost his temper with the woman as she moaned about there being 'no good men left out there', he had told her the truth. She had a good man and she tossed him away.

She didn't even try to mend things, she had just disposed of him like some appliance that no longer ran smoothly then whined over not being able to replace him with a perfect substitute.

All he wanted was to have his Bella back, fixed, but he had no idea how to go about it. This woman had tossed away a perfectly good husband.

His outburst had been the first sign he was coming back to life and she had quit on the spot and run out crying, but he hadn't cared.

Then came a string of hopeless women doing the job , and getting fired or quitting over Edward's bouts of temper. It had felt good though, to feel anything again, so he admitted he had been hard on them and he had also liked to see another human suffering just a little, because his whole world was one filled with pain.

Then Tanya had waltzed in and refused to react to his jibes and temper, and he had started to actually enjoy her company. He knew she was not clever or ambitious, and he had little respect for her at all, but his feelings down below were reawakening and a plan was forming in his brain so clouded still with grief, that maybe he could be one of the many men who used her body and paid no price.

Tanya had been easy company, easy to entertain, easy to ignore, easy to deflect his anger onto. The trip to Paris had been the place he would make a move and take her but it hadn't worked quite how he expected. Zombie Bella had not reacted to the news he was going away for a few weeks, and he even told her outright he was taking Tanya, but she had not said a word and he wondered if he even still existed in her bubble.

Then he had begun the seduction, not really aware none was necessary, Tanya liked sex and didn't ever care who with, though she had a soft spot for rich men with generous pockets, and Edward knew he could be that.

So, he wined and dined her and sat in little cafes in the streets of Paris and he waved over a street photographer to capture the moment of the decision to move on being put into play, and finally he was ready and they walked back to her room, hand in hand.

He became desperate once they were inside and his erection was painful in it's need and she stripped him as fast as he stripped her, then as she reclined on her bed and opened her arms, all he could see and hear was Bella.

Bella at fifteen, kissing him behind the big tree in the schoolyard, Bella at sixteen, always ready for whatever came next, Bella walking towards him down the aisle on her father's arm, Bella hot and sweaty and crying with happiness and delight as he handed Lissette to her and they knew they had it all.

His erection had softened and he had thrown on his clothes and run to his own room. He heard Tanya screaming in frustration at him leaving her room, then later he heard her screaming in another way all together when she brought the waiter or busboy or some such man back to do what he had planned to do.

He had sat in the dark and considered just letting it all go, just taking something with a lot of whisky and maybe a warm bath and a razor, but that would leave a horrible clean up job for some overworked cleaner, so he spent the night laying in the dark thinking up the best way to die. He had pretty much got it down to two options when his cellphone buzzed, and he answered disinterestedly, wondering if this was the last action he would ever make in the world, when he heard Bella say one single word from their home phone.

"Edward."

It had made him remember who he was and he had listened to her breathing, and he lay in bed with the line open long after she had disconnected the call. The next day he changed the airline tickets and flew back, full of hope his wife wanted something, anything, from him again.

He put the street photo on the laptop to remind himself of stupid decisions and he had looked at that scene every day as he left for work, always grateful Bella had saved him. Unknowingly, true, and she had not made any further move to claim him back, and he soon stopped waiting for her to do so and his attention drifted back to Tanya.

He knew now he probably had been somewhat insane still at that point and touching her thigh had made the scenes of his Bella show inside his head again, it was as if she was there, somehow, somewhere inside him, always reminding him to wait for her.

And he had, Thank God he had.

Now he had a life back and he didn't understand why it still felt like it was not quite enough, not quite complete.

He watched Alice blossom with her second child and smiled and congratulated them when the scan revealed a son for them, this time around.

They did the hospital visit when Jaxon was born, and he held their daughter on his lap and tried to convince himself it was better this way, just the one child. It didn't pay to get greedy. He could never put Bella through another pregnancy anyway, it was too much to ask.

As Faith grew and started to walk and talk, and turn into a proper little girl, he got asked constantly when they would be having another child. He always smiled and assured the asker one child was their ideal, their limit.

Because he knew more than most, no man can have it all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry about typoes, its not easy writing and editing at work! Shhh! Lucky I can do my real work in half a day.**

Unforgiven

Chapter 11

Bella lit the candles and checked again, everything was perfect. She knew she had to tell Edward tonight, it had gone on long enough and Carlisle was getting stressed about how his son was going to react. Bella rubbed her belly and felt the baby, the boy, move gently. She had only started to feel movements this week but Edward was going to notice soon and she imagined any day now her belly would expand and nobody would be fooled, let alone her husband who saw her naked and touched her body on a nightly basis. She had been glad to have kept on a little extra weight after Faith's birth, and as her own body lost the weight, the new pregnancy replaced it, so it merely looked like she had just never started to regain her figure at all.

She knew hiding things from Edward was not her best idea but he had been so convinced it would be pushing their luck too far to have a second baby. A fourth baby, really, but she was determined to see her beautiful husband with a living, breathing son of his own in his arms.

The looks of envy when Jasper and Emmett were here, sons in their arms or on their shoulders had not gone unnoticed by Bella.

She knew he worshipped Faith but she also knew it would take a baby boy to end his anguish over Michael and give him the life he really wanted, even if he never admitted it.

He assured her over and over, one child was fine, good, great, the best, but he said it far too often for it to be true.

He often glanced at the boys clothes in the children's clothing section while she tried dresses and tops on their growing daughter and she saw him pick up a small catcher's mitt in the sport's store one day and just stare at it.

The man needed a son.

It had been a risk, she may well have conceived another daughter and that was the main reason she had waited to share her news with him.

She needed to be able to tell him the gender at the same time as announcing the pregnancy.

Carlisle had done every test known to man and the fetus was as healthy as they could detect. The 3D scans had shown his body perfectly formed, his heart beating steadily, his brain function normal.

She had finally conceded with her father-in-law, this was all she could do, now she had to break the news to her husband.

Bella checked on a sleeping Faith again then heard the door close softly, as always when he came in late, so as not to disturb their daughter. He was a wonderful father and he deserved a wonderful son.

"Ooops, what's the occasion? What have I forgotten?" he asked as he saw the table in it's finery.

Bella smirked as she watched him mentally flip through every possible date in his brain.

"A new celebration. Sit down and pour a glass of wine and relax."

Edward did so but he watched her warily.

"Please tell me you haven't gotten yourself a job. I know that is very politically incorrect and selfish of me but I really want you to stay home and be with Faith until she starts school."

"I'm not getting a job," she answered, accepting the glass of wine he offered but placing it untouched on the table. She would never do anything that carried the slightest risk to their baby.

She handed him his dinner and sat opposite, eating so he would follow her lead.

"Bella," he growled.

"Eat, you will need your strength," she teased.

Edward frowned and scooped some of the chicken onto his fork. What was she up to now? He hoped they were not moving house, he had gotten used to living out here in the peace and quiet. The meadow was his favorite place on earth and they sat and played with Faith there on weekends, when he was at home, and neither commented how she was more like Lissy every day, because they had agreed to let go of that obsession.

Bella kept her thoughts about reincarnation to herself and just accepted the child as Edward had wanted her to, but she knew.

"Dessert?' his wife asked, nervously.

Edward knew she had never doubted her mad skills in the kitchen so it was not the chocolate mousse making her unsettled.

"No, thank you. I just want to know what's going on."

"Come sit with me on the sofa and be calm, Edward. It's good news, not bad."

Bella slid the dvd into the side of the tv and pressed play.

Edward crinkled his brow and watched the images on the screen.

"Is this Faith?' he asked, then he gasped as he saw it most definitely wasn't.

"Whose...?"

"Our son. I am almost five months pregnant, Edward."

He sat still and silent for such a long minute Bella started to doubt she had done the right thing after all.

"Our son," he whispered, taking her onto his lap and stroking her belly.

"I hope you do want him and are happy? I knew you would never ask me to have another baby and I want a boy as much as you do, to complete the family. I am sorry I did this without talking it through but you would never have agreed."

"I suppose I wouldn't have. But it's done now," he grinned, kissing her forehead.

"Bella, this is the best news ever. Thank you for having the courage to do this. A boy, I can't believe it. Just like that."

"Just like that. It took me three months to conceive," she confessed.

"Oh, right, the three months after you 'started on the Pill' so we didn't need condoms."

"Yes," she blushed. It was all she could think of to make him make love to her without a layer of latex between them.

"So, when is he due?" he asked excitedly. Did this woman know him or what? Even had they talked this through a hundred times, he would never have been game to agree. This was the only alternative he had left her with, he knew that.

"Valentine's day," she answered.

Edward smiled and took her hand and kissed her fingers.

As they lay in bed and Bella slept beside him, in his embrace, he thanked God for guiding her to do this for them. Strangely he didn't feel fear, he only felt excitement and acceptance.

They had adjusted to life with another child and knew she could disappear at any minute but that just made them love and appreciate every day more. This acceptance seemed to have overlapped into this pregnancy.

He had not had to decide to take the chance, it was taken without his knowledge so he may as well just accept the pregnancy for the blessing and promise of hope it was.

Bella was so happy with his attitude, and their conversations were full of ideas for the boy's room, it would be the blue room, of course but Edward liked the idea of painting a mural along one wall, of all things boyish.

Charlie fishing in the river, Carlisle in his baseball uniform, the man still played once a week even now, Emmett and Roman playing football, Jasper and his guitar, teaching Jaxon how to strum a miniature version of his own.

Edward with his son on his shoulders, sitting up there, one hand reaching for the sky, his other hand gripping onto his father's hair...

It was the image he always pictured when he imagined himself with a boy.

Walking along the beach or into the forest, him and his son.

"So, any hints to what we are naming him?" Edward asked one day as Faith and Bella stacked small blue garments into the closet in the blue room.

Bella walked towards him and cupped his face in her hands.

"You choose his name. I named Faith."

"I named Lissette and Michael," he reminded her.

"I still want you to choose his name. I chose his conception, it's your turn to choose."

Edward grinned.

"Did I enjoy his conception?'" he asked.

"Hmm, you seemed to. Of course I can't pin it exactly down, but it was the week we went to

that romantic getaway on the island," she grinned.

"Oh yes, then I definitely enjoyed that conception. So, he was probably conceived outdoors, under the stars."

"You seem to like making babies in public displays of sex," she snickered.

"I didn't know I was doing that, at the time. Don't tell Carlisle." he added.

"Too late, he wanted a probable date of conception so I told him about the holiday."

"Just as well we had left Faith with them."

"Oh yes, I don't imagine a sister wants to watch her brother be started," Bella laughed.

Christmas day was a day filled with extra joy as their toddler daughter squealed at Santa and ripped open each gift with unbridled enthusiasm. She loved the box the drum kit Uncle Emm bought her came in but he spent the day playing the drums so it wasn't wasted.

"Did I thank you so much for that gift, Emmett?" glared Bella.

"Hey, kids make noise, maybe she will make musical noise."

Edward lifted faith onto his knee and called for quiet and the tot happily copied the simple tune he played with one finger on his piano.

The room erupted in applause at the end and Faith smiled and clapped herself as well. Edward lifted her to kiss her face and placed her back on the floor. Her cousins were all rolling in the wrappings and shrieking in excitement and Edward realized he wouldn't even object if Bella wanted more children after this one.

Somehow a house full of noise and mess and squeals of joy was just what he wanted.

xxx xxx xxx

Carlisle moved aside and let his son take his place as the baby's head emerged.

"Remember what to do now?" he checked.

"Sure, support the head, wait for the shoulders to rotate, catch the baby as he emerges."

The head was covered in the signature Edward bedhair, he could see that already.

Thank God it soon calmed into ringlets.

"Okay, nice, just ease him a little, there, ready?"

Edward caught his son and marvelled at the size.

Rose winced as she saw him and Alice cried out an 'ouch!' in sympathy for Bella.

The baby squirmed and let out a bellow that would have done Emmett proud and the room was full of relief and joy.

A live, healthy, screaming son!

Edward didn't want to put him down so Carlisle cut the cord and Edward walked with the baby to show his exhausted but beautiful wife.

Bella smiled at the child and kissed him on the face and Edward kissed her on the lips.

"Well done, Mrs Cullen."

"I had some help, Mr Cullen," she replied.

"Nine pound four ounces," the nurse announced and Edward claimed the baby back.

"Gee Bella, he weighs nearly as much as you do," said Alice.

"And his name is..." asked Rose.

"Gabriel Carlisle Edward Cullen," Edward announced. He wanted his living son to carry on his father's name.

"Gabriel, that's unusual," Alice commented.

"The archangel Gabriel is the only angel besides Michael named in the canonical scripture."

"Nice," approved Rose.

Edward lay the baby in Bella's arms and sat beside her, wiping her damp hair off her forehead.

"That was fun, I want to do it again," she said to a startled Edward.

"Really? I thought you said at first you always thought' never again' and it took days to forget the pain."

"Edward, I would go through any amount of pain to see that look on your face again," Bella confessed.

"I got it, on film," Jasper confirmed.

Edward lay beside his wife and held their new son and looked at the sleeping face of their daughter as she snuggled close between them, her small hand resting on Gabriel's leg. Faith had welcomed this baby openly and lovingly and was thrilled, without reservation. It was surprising, he had imagined she would have some jealousy as a natural reaction to being usurped as the family baby.

"Michael," she murmured in her sleep.

Edward looked at her closely, she never knew Michael, how would she know his name?

"No, your name is Gabriel this time, not Michael," she giggled.

Edward nudged her, was she really still deep in dreamland?

She sighed and rolled a little.

"This time I get to look after you on earth not in Heaven," she muttered, stilling him instantly.

No way, this was a dream.

He pinched himself and looked at Bella, who was gazing at him open eyed.

"I told you so," she said, and rolled away, falling back into sleep.

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**Epilogue, no epilogue needed?**


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